Maid of Honor

A while back I did a couple “podcast” type things where I’d watch and comment on an episode live and in color and you could play the track while you watched the episode and it’d be like “neat” and stuff. I had at one point hoped to do those again, but it seems less and less likely. I’d actually been saving Maid of Honor for such a time when I could do a podcast for it, but I can wait no longer. And it’s probably for the best too, since after watching it, I don’t think I could talk fast enough to comment on it properly.

The episode opens in Paris, France. You can tell it’s Paris because there’s the Eiffel Tower! Wonder Woman is heading to some party and the dude at the gate is like “holy shit, Wonder Woman, yes come in, come in.” As soon as everyone else hears that freakin’ Wonder Woman has come to the party, they crowd in and start asking her questions and shit like, are you really from an island with no women? were you scared when you fought the aliens? Is Batman as sexy as he seems?

Suddenly a voice says “Would you like to dance?” And she shouts, without even looking, “yes!” Thankfully, the mystery man is Bruce Wayne and not some creepy asshole. Oh man, Bruce is so hot and a good dancer and so…so strong.

In another part of the room, some guy is asking a blonde woman named Princess Audrey if he can take her picture. She agrees but insists that he be in it. The camera is handed to someone else, and as the picture is snapped she grabs his ass. He asks for an autograph, but she tells him that he “just got it.” Um, ok? Do you sign your checks with ass grabs too? Wouldn’t that be awkward? Checks don’t even have asses. Make some damn sense, woman!

Just then a bunch of dudes bust in the through the building’s skylight and grab the princess! Oh no! Bruce and Diana simultaneously excuse themselves from their dance. While Bruce is about to go chance clothes, Diana just rips the long part of her dress off and starts kicking ass. Bruce pops a boner and can’t leave, so he decides to hang out and watch this instead. Hey some cake! He’ll eat some cake too.

A fight ensues and naturally, Wonder Woman is the victor. Outside, the princess is telling Wonder Woman how aaaawwweeeeesoooooooome that was while she berates her guards for not being able to take out a helicopter with their meager, weak human hands. Wonder Woman is more interested in why the princess was attacked but oh! Her cellphone’s ringing and it’s her dad, the king. He wants Audrey to come home right away, but she insists that she’s fine because she’s gonna be hanging out with Wonder Woman! I guess that would be pretty damn safe. She hangs up and tells Wonder Woman she needs a new dress, but Diana is still more interested in like, clues and shit. Audrey complains that she doesn’t want to talk about clues because she’s getting married tomorrow and she intends to go out “with a bang. Several if it can be arranged.”

Man. What?

What episode would be complete without a warehouse! Some guys are breaking into one, to steal what looks to be a sweet video card,

and Batman shows up to try to stop them. He throws some ‘rangs, some gas bombs, but alas, two of the three dudes manage to escape. That last dude though, fuuuuuuuuck, is he in for a bad night or what. Batman goes to interrogate him and the man says in his crazy foreign talk that Batman can’t understand him so whatever. Batman starts talking the same language and is like “HA HA HA I AM THE GREATEST.”

Elsewhere the two goons that got away are delivering the vid card to a man named General Vox, who has a weird speaker in his mouth and doesn’t open his mouth when he talks. Ah, an animator’s dream. They tell him that Batman was hot on their trail, and he’s totally pissed, but assures the goons that not even the JL can stop them now! It’s true, they lose this episode.

Meanwhile, Diana and Audrey are hanging out in a limo post-shopping spree. Diana is still trying to ask her questions about stuff and Audrey just does not care. She’s too busy saying things in French, even though she’s not French, she’s Kasnian, she just happens to be IN France. Whatever. They ditch the guards in the limo and decide to go “clubbing.” Audrey brings Diana to a club with a dreadfully long line, Diana laments that they’ll never get in and Audrey assures her that she can get them in. The dude is like “hell yeah, you’re with Wonder Woman!” Because seriously, who are you going to recognize? Princess of a small foreign country you don’t give a fuck about? Or a founding member of the Justice League that has saved the world several times over? Really? Really?

Inside, Audrey and Diana get separated as the paparazzi are instinctively drawn to swarm someone named Princess Diana. She finds Audrey with four buff dudes, and she offers to share them with her.

This episode is so dirty. It’s like, who’s up for an orgy! Ha ha! She instead grabs Audrey and leaves, after they went through all that trouble to get in.

They hang out on the Eiffel Tower as the sun rises and bond over their memories of the fun night they had doing shit and stuff. Audrey gazes off at the sunrise for a moment and then LEAPS off the Eiffel Tower oh noooooooo! Wonder Woman jumps after her and catches her before she hits the ground. She freaks out at Audrey. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

I was thinking you’d probably catch me? God woman, calm down.

So Wonder Woman goes back to her room and oh my god, Batman is there.

This is so sexy. “_____ goes back to their room and Batman is there” is how I start like 85% of the erotic fanfiction I write. Not that I…uh..

ahem.

So Batman is uh, god I really stopped paying attention to what he was saying here. Something about rich people and them being just awful and stuff that seemed to just generally be cover. Like “I’m not Bruce Wayne, I HATE RICH PEOPLE.” He is so smooth, like something you might like to…run your tongue..along…what?

Ok, so uh, it’s the next day and Wonder Woman is gonna ask Audrey about what I think Batman was telling her, about some thefts linked to the Kasnian government. Audrey denies it and they go to meet her fiancee. OH FUCK. IT’S VANDAL SAVAGE.

Nice outfit Vandal, just escape from the institution or something?

Vandal insists that he’s actually Vandal Savage the THIRD, and not the Vandal Savage they fought when they went back in time. Oh yeah, [i]sure[/i]. Savage leaves and Audrey is mad that Wonder Woman would think a dude looks like his grandfather. Wonder Woman follows Vandal outside, he’s on the phone talking and as he hangs up, she again accuses him. He says, hey, there’s just no way I could be over 100 years old, that’s crazy. You’re crazy. That’s impossible and I’ve never seen anything crazy like, Miss Amazonian Princess. So you can take your crazy talk back to your space station and tell it to your alien friends!

Wonder Woman tells him that she’s very mad, as usual and that he if hurts Audrey!

Vandal interjects!

“Hurt her. I love her,” he says so coldy, it would make even the most emotionless robot jealous of how emotionless this human could be. Honestly Vandal, you’re how many million years old? You don’t think you could’ve found time to squeeze in an [i]acting[/i] lesson here or there? For fuck’s sake man, you’ve been alive longer than [i]there has been acting[/i], longer than the concept of marriage! Put a little feeling into it! Goddamn.

He tells Wonder Woman that’s he’s never met a woman who can do the things for him that Audrey can. Wonder Woman says she doesn’t want to hear it. I’m not sure I do either. Wait maybe I do. It might be hot. In fact I think there’s a good chance it’s hot.

He explains that he’s referring to making him king of Kasnia. So, oh, nevermind. That’s not hot at all! General Vox shows up and Vandal says that he could show Wonder Woman the way out. She says she can find her own way, which she does. (The way out is apparently just flying straight off into the sky).

At a rocket launch, some Kasnian astronauts are about to take some stuff to the international space station. There is some winking here that is mighty suspicious.

In the castle in Kasnia, a maid is bringing the king a beverage. All seems well until, oh no! He collapses! Poison!

In space, the astronauts have made good time and are arriving the space station, which is freakin’ huge. Something is most definitely up though, as the Kasnian astronauts get off their shuttle because I’m pretty sure astronauts aren’t supposed to have quite that many guns. They take the rest of the astronauts hostage, and are now in control of the space station.

News of the king’s “illness” has gotten to Vandal who says to Audrey, “it’s the king. he’s had a stroke…”

He pauses, while his mind searches desperately, desperately for a term of affection. Uh, infidel? No. Ummm, oooh why must this be so hard!

“…dearest.”

YES! Got one!

Audrey is so worried about her father, and makes arrangements to head home right away.

Wonder Woman is in her hotel room again, this time talking to Batman on the phone. Batman is in a different hotel room, except he’s not in the batsuit, he’s sitting in a chair, with his shirt kind of…undone and…and his sleeves all rolled up and…oh my. Bruce…It’s uhhhh, yeah I like this scene a lot.

While they talk, a lady mentions on the news that the king of Kasnia has just fallen ill and Bruce is like “oh ho ho, that’s effed!” Wonder Woman takes off to warn Audrey and Bruce flies out of his chair to suit the fuck up!

Unfortunately Audrey and Savage are already on a plane heading for Kasnia, which Wonder Woman pursues. Savage sends Vox out in a jetpack to take care of her. He flies around a bit and then OH GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HIS MOUTH THAT’S HORRIFYING.

He knocks Wonder Woman down, pounds her head into the dirt and eventually leaves her beaten up in a barn as Audrey assumes the throne of Kasnia and moves the wedding up to RIGHT NOW GO GO GO.

SHOCKING CONCLUSION NEXT TIME! You paid for a whole entry! But you’ll only need the edge!