Ascension

When you think of warehouses and docks, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? If you said “places where DCAU episodes start” well, hoo boy. Lemme tell you. A lot of them start there.

The episode Ascension opens at…a warehouse! For a company called Plastech. The dudes are robbing it, and you can tell they’re robbing it because they just ripped the door open.

Blight is there, doing his glowing thing and part of his suit his ruined. Mostly the sleeves because I guess his forearms are the hottest parts. Still that jacket ain’t getting worn again, and the next time he Blights out, he just ruins whatever jacket he has on and how many jackets is he going through? Has he thought of taking his clothes off beforehand? I dunno, I’m really starting to ramble here and we’re not even through the opening scene yet.

So they’re stealing plastic crap and it’s going just great, until Batman shows up because he’s Batman, and you’re a glowing man standing in a ripped open doorway like a goddamn beacon for authority figures. A fight ensues, and breaks up the robbery, despite Blight shooting radioactive plasma blasts at Batman. He doesn’t get away with much though, and one of his goons is crushed by a bunch of barrels, and gets left behind. Terry throws the barrels off him and grabs him when a Wayne-Powers security badge falls out of the goon’s jacket.

Curious, no?

At, I dunno, some place with his crazy scientists, Blight is getting ready to get another skin put on him. I can’t help but wonder about, ya know…his junk. Does he still have it? If he does, I imagine it would get uh “skinned” like the rest of him, but if he doesn’t, does he get fake junk made? Does he get the Ken Doll? If’s he gettin’ the Ken doll how does he pee?

He’s gotta still have junk…

Ok well the scientist guys are like, you’re almost out of skin and you’re going through it faster and faster and your temper is just fucking crazy, totally goddamn crazy. Powers FREAKS OUT. I KNOW I HAVE A BAD TEMPER WHAT THE FUCK I AM RADIOACTIVE NOW I’M GETTING IT EVERYWHERE LOOK WHAT YOU DID. He tells the scientist guys that they’re stupid and he’s gonna make other arrangements. The scientists hide their hurt feelings.

Now we’re in uh…some Spanish-speaking country and some protestors are yelling “PAXTON POWERS POLLUTER” outside a building. Up on a high floor, a dude, Paxton Powers is looking down at them, and thinking about just throwing his lunch wrapper right off the balcony just to be a dick. A lady with a fancy suit that Two-Face would pop a double boner for:

tells Paxton that he needs to go back to Gotham and visit his daddy, Derek Powers.

BEE TEE DUB.

DEREK POWERS IS BLIGHT.

So Paxton does, and he’s in the car talking to Powers. These two guys are a couple of huge assholes, trying hard to out asshole each other. Powers informs Paxton that he’s going to put him in charge of Wayne-Powers. Paxton is like, whatever, you’re an asshole and Powers is like, I KNOW I AM AND CHECK OUT MY GLOWY EYES!

He douses Paxton with eye radiation and Paxton recoils in horror. Powers reaches down to his wrist and rips off a chunk of flesh. Ew! Oh god it’s all glowy there too! Why are you doing this, Dad? Stop, please.

As they arrive at Wayne-Powers, there’s more people outside chanting. And they learned the exact same chant as the poeple in whatever other country we were in before. PAXTON POWERS POLLUTER. Meanwhile Terry is also driving Bruce to Wayne-Powers, and as he drops him off, tells Bruce to look into the connection between Blight and Powers. Terry! Terry! Look at the damn suits Powers always wears! Please just look for like 10 seconds. Ah nevermind.

Upstairs the meeting to introduce Paxton as new acting chairman has already started when Bruce walks in, but he does not seem to give a fuck. Powers says that Paxton is in charge now and Bruce stares at him, and the camera zooms in and his cold eyes almost get me to start confessing to crimes.

Somehow a couple of protestors manage to get into the meeting room, and throw a bunch of dead fish onto the meeting table. Ew! Oh god Powers is just super pissed off! His eyes start to crack and Paxton tries to calm him down. No no no, he will not have it. He hates fish and he wanted those fish dead, but he didn’t want them on this table goddammit. His face gets worse and worse until finally, oh god, everyone can see how it’s cracking and glowing and all his skin is coming off and his suit is getting ruined and Bruce and Terry are both like “ooooooooooh FUCK. I knew that suit looked familiar!”

Blight leaps at one of the protestors that had come into the meeting room and is like “I’ll show you how to kill some fish!” Bruce hits him with his cane and Blight turns his attention to Bruce instead, the radiation probably providing treatment for types of cancer Bruce didn’t even know he had. Before Blight can kill Bruce though, Batman leaps in and saves the day. Blight starts firing radioactive ball things at him, one of which Terry manages to deflect with an incredibly strong lunch tray.

Blight takes off down a hallway, and Terry pauses to see if Bruce is ok.

He replies, “I’m fine…Batman.” Nice Bruce, do you think you could wink maybe too? Maybe slip Terry a grocery list while he helps you up? “Thanks, and could pick this stuff up while you’re out and about…Batman? *wink*”

Blight is at this point gone despite being radioactive and glowing brightly. No way we could track this dude. Ah well, win some, lose some!

Back in the batcave, Bruce explains that when Powers was exposed to nerve gas on Terry’s first night as Batman, he was probably treated with radiation and turned into this. Terry’s happy to learn that he might be responsible and Bruce again stares angrily. I immediately feel the need to behave better, I’m so sorry Bruce.

Powers meanwhile has called Paxton and is demanding his help. He needs a new skin, a new suit, a mineral water, some gum, just so much stuff. Paxton goes all fucking counselor on him. Oh putting the skin on isn’t the answer, Dad. I think you might be addicted to having skin. You need to get in some sort of program for this. I don’t know where to find one, we’ll probably have to start one ourselves. Powers doesn’t want a program, of course, he likes the skin.

Terry is flying around looking for Powers (glowy! radioactive!) to no avail. He’s about to head back to the cave when what does he see in the sky but the freakin’ bat signal. He flies to the bat signal, which Paxton has lit, and throws a batarang, smashing it. “Next time,” he says, “use e-mail.” Oh ok, sure thing Batman. What’s your e-mail? Is that batman@batman.com? Would you like a Bat-text message maybe? Can I follow your bat-tweets?

“About to drop through skylight onto a bunch of goons at Gotham Museum, wish me luck!”

“haha I beat them all up lol”

“cruising around in the batmobile, what is up my peeps!”

So Terry is all annoyed at Paxton who starts blabbing about some thing he has that can like…soak up radiation like a sponge or something and Terry’s like “WHY DO I CARE? GET TO THE POINT, I HAVE TO GO FIND A BIG RADIOACTIVE GUY.” Paxton explains that he wants to help Terry trap Powers and then he’s got like…a net and it’ll be totally cool, don’t worry. Terry agrees and leaves to keep looking for Powers, while some guy walks over to Paxton. Paxton says something blah blah oh and if Batman gives them any trouble, they should kill him!

Paxton? Buddy? Sport? Maybe you should just leave Batman out of your plans all together. Because really, your tubby Mexican friend there ain’t gonna be the guy that kills Batman.

Bruce has a hunch about where Powers might be and it turns out to be right. They find him holed up on, what I guess is an abandoned nuclear sub in the Gotham Harbor. Blight is hanging out, eating a sandwich, and generally looking kinda sad, like probably the sandwich isn’t very good or something.

Terry leaves a batarang and a message with Paxton and updates his Twitter.

“Big stuff going down at the harbor tonight! Should be fun! :)”

At the harbor, Terry confronts Blight on the sub and leads him to what looks like the control room. Blight yells that he just wants to be left alone! I don’t get why I, an insane, super-powered, theiving murderer should have to go to some kind of jail or something! Terry says that Blight killed his father, and Blight says something like, that doesn’t really narrow down who you are at all.

About then, Paxton’s goon jumps out and hits Blight with that net thing and starts um, sucking radiation out of him and hurting him too, it would seem. Paxton is there as well, and he is being a prick. Terry gets angry because Paxton said they were gonna, ya know get him into that therapy group and stuff and Paxton explains that he lied, and he hates his father and he hates you Batman and he’s gonna try to kill you, but good luck with that.

Time for fighting! In the fight, Blight breaks out of his net thing and he’s pissed at Paxton and the sub is getting rather fucked up. Bruce yells to Terry that the radiation is off the scale and Terry takes a brief moment to ponder the future children he’ll never have as he watches father and son battle each other on a nuclear submarine. Is that what he would want for his children anyway? For them to hate him and him to hate them and they fight all the time over control of their multi-billion dollar company? No, it’s better this way.

Bruce tells Terry to get out of there so he does, for once, with Paxton’s goons in hand. The sub sinks to the bottom of the harbor with Blight trapped inside and I can’t help but think about how awful the bottom of that harbor must be after years and years of super villains and their foiled plots and things going down in it. Blech.

Get this! Blight’s body was never found! Terry tells Paxton to watch his back and Paxton is too dumb to realize that he means Blight probably isn’t dead and is probably gonna try to fry your face off.

One more twat:

“Had to save Paxton Powers today. H8 that guy.”

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