So I spent probably way too much of the last review discussing how hot Batman is. Can you really blame me? I can’t really say if part 2 is going to be better or worse, and I guess it really depends on what you think is better or worse. Personally, I’m hoping for better! My definition of better. Which is more Batman.
Wonder Woman wakes up in a barn with Batman leaning over her. HOT.
Diana however does not appreciate the absolute porn-ishness of the situation and is more concerned with her friiieeend or something. Oooh where’s Auuuudreeeey? Batman explains that she’s getting married right now and Wonder Woman leaps to her feet and rushes off to stop it while Batman pops a major boner that he will save for later. He has that power.
The two of them head to Kasnia together but are attacked as they enter the country. Inside the castle, the wedding goes on and vandal’s robot vows are probably something like “I promise to tolerate and acknowledge you, until your death does us part which will hopefully be sooner rather than later and probably at my hands and then I can get on with being king and stuff, whoops did I say that last part out loud? My sincerest apologies most cherished wife-thing.”
The scene goes from fighting to the wedding to the fighting, the wedding, the fighting, wedding, fighting, wedding. Wonder Woman twice hits a line of dudes with a large tree. Batman’s crashing his plane, oh god fighting weddingfightingweddingohshiiiiit the guy is asking if anyone objects and Wonder Woman throws a tank through the wall. Vandal pulls some electrocute-y gun out of his sleeve and blasts her, and then asks if anyone ELSE has any objections.
If I were Audrey, I think I would have a couple right about now. Like um…you’re shooting my new friend on our wedding day? I…object.
After the wedding, Vandal and Audrey are dancing. Vandal keeps saying weird cryptic shit about how he’s so glad they’re married because now all of his plans are coming together and he can take over the world, he means give her the world. Metaphorically, of course. Of course.
That night Audrey wakes up in her bed to find that Vandal has left. Weeeeeiiiird. It’s supposed to be their wedding night, you’d think he’d not leave maybe. So she gets up as well and starts wandering around the castle. She finds Wonder Woman chained up in the basement with crazy space chains. Wonder Woman insists that Vandal is only using Audrey, and doesn’t actually love her, which would seem obvious when it’s already been established that this an arranged marriage, but Audrey doesn’t see it. She says that NOW Wonder Woman has crossed the line. NOW. Not before, with the interrupting the wedding with the tank.
Audrey leaves and heads to some control room where she finds Vandal. She says Wonder Woman accused him of being some power mad monster and Vandal is all “oh really?” You see, he is immediately setting his plan in motion because he apparently has ZERO patience. He can’t even wait long enough for his marriage to look slightly valid.
In the dungeon, Batman is in the rafter-ish area, looking down at Diana and trying to figure a way to break her out. He decides to call the league for back up. As Flash discusses paint with him, J’onn gets another alert. Vandal is going live with his master plan. The international space station has been a huge project for Kasnia, yes, and it turns out most of their contributions have been in the form of turning the thing into a mass driver, aka a rail gun. Vandal uses the thing to shoot an asteroid at fleet of ships and then starts listing demands like a fucking crazy man. He pulls out a very literal list.
How the fuck they managed to turn that thing into a railgun, I have no idea. I always figured there was some sort of oversight on something like the space station. “Oh, you got something for the space station, Kasnia? Yeah just attach whatever, we’re not gonna check or anything.”
Batman tells Flash that he’ll worry about Wonder Woman himself, the rest of them should take out the space rail gun. GL, Flash, and J’onn hop in the Javelin and fly over there. GL just wants to blow it up, but Flash and J’onn are both like, dude, no, there’s probably hostages and shit on it still. They fly at it with the Jav, and that thing just gets the shit beat out of it, because apparently the Kasnians also attached lots and lots of guns to the space station. Seriously did ANYBODY watch what they were doing when they worked on stuff up there? Good god people. Also this space station is fucking HUGE.
Back on Earth, Audrey asks Vandal what he thinks he’s doing and he lists off what he’s doing pretty precisely. Building a mass driver, check, holding the world hostage, check, poisoning your dad, haha totally check! He explains to Audrey that guess what, I AM the original Vandal Savage. He tells her how he found a meteor and has since outlived everyone he’s ever known. Including her dad, by the way. Who he poisoned. Hahaha again. She slaps him and rakes her fingernails across his face, gashing it. The gashes heal up, and she freaks out as the guards take her to lock her in her quarters.
In space, the trio of heroes were surprisingly NOT killed in the attack on the Javelin, but instead saved by GL’s magical bubble maker. He flies them to the door, which J’onn phases through and opens. Inside, they beginning fighting the evil Kasnian astronauts. Flash disarms them, while J’onn does a crazy wrap around and crush them sort of thing. They are so great.
Batman is breaking Wonder Woman out of the dungeon. He is hot. Oh man.
Flash is about to punch another dude, when he hits the airlock thing and sucks the both of them out into space. Unfortunately, Flash doesn’t have a space suit like the other dude does oh nooooooo. He does though, float right past GL who quickly darts outside someplace and saves Flash from a death in the harshness of space.
Batman and Wonder Woman get Audrey out of her quarters and say they need her help. She laments that she can’t even help herself, waaaaaaah. Uh, ok that’s great. You’re out of your room now, please be useful. They ask if she can at least get it together enough to show the heroes where the damn control room is. She thinks she can manage that. Wonder Woman also asks to borrow her earrings.
On the space station, GL is making sure Flash is ok. He, of course, is and immediately goes just balls ass nuts punching guys throughout the entire station when suddenly he happens upon the the control room. Sweet! He goes back and finds GL and J’onn and brings them along.
In the control room on Earth, Batman and Wonder Woman are breaking in and kicking ass. Vox is again opening his mouth a rather freakish amount but this time Wonder Woman isn’t having any of it. She gets close enough to him to crush his neck brace thing and maybe hit a few more times, just for good measure. Oh look she had those earrings in her ears, I guess those helped.
Vandal is punching some launch codes into a computer or something, when Batman says “you’re in my way” and just whips a chair at him, WHAPOW! I LOVE YOU BATMAN.
He starts trying to do stuff on the computer, GL is trying to do stuff on the computer in space, nooooo, GL tells Batman that he couldn’t stop the launch. Batman says he couldn’t stop it either but he did manage to change the target.
The alarms goes off and everyone starts evacuating the castle, Vandal jumps up and looks at the computer. It has been ‘ranged! Fuck! Didn’t J’onn crush his laptop in Savage Time too? Haha take that, bitch. And then the meteor hits the castle with Vandal still inside.
Up in space, GL is hauling everyone in the space station when Flash asks what’s to stop someone else from using it. Then the space station blows up. “That,” says GL. Uh…GL, you just blew up the international space station. I don’t really care if someone had attached a giant gun to it. Maybe just take the gun part off. Instead of blowing up the international space station.
In the debris of the castle, Audrey talks about rebuilding. Suddenly, Vandal climbs out of the ground in a rather grotesque manner. Audrey says that she doesn’t know how he survived. Goddamn woman, he’s immortal, pay some fucking attention. She has her guards grab him and decides that they’ll lock him up in the dungeon. Uh, once they rebuild the dungeon. He tell her to do her worst, he’s immortal! And can’t be killed! Uh, that, um…Vandal, I don’t know if that’s a desirable trait to have when people are figuring out exactly how they can torture you. Oh you can’t be killed? Well hell, let’s just go nuts!
Wonder Woman turns to Batman around this time and says that they never got to finish their dance. Because he’s BRUCE WAYNE. Batman is all deny, deny, deny. He must be giving off some sort of sexy pheremone or something that is too easily idenitifiable by someone with a bloodhound nose like Diana.