Black holes are pretty fucked up and weird. I decided that before doing this write up, I would read a little bit about black holes (see there’s a black hole in this episode.) The first thing I clicked on was an article about how black holes work, and the first line said “You may have heard someone say,”My desk has become a black hole!”” I didn’t get much further than that in my research for a couple of reasons. The first being that I spent a long while trying to remember if I’d ever heard anyone say that ever. I couldn’t recall. The second being that I spent a while trying to figure out in what ways a desk could become like a black hole? Light can’t escape from it? it’s black? It sounds like something you would say if your desk were messy, but I don’t think black holes particularly have a reputation for being cluttered. Then again, the same article had this image with it:
Hey, I do believe I rambled for several sentences there. That horrible mess of gobbledy gook is what I might some day refer to as an introduction for the Superman episode Absolute Power.
So Superman is in his sweetass rocket with his spacesuit on checking out a black hole that is 6 light years from earth for STAR labs. Hamilton is like, gosh thanks Superman, and Supes is all no problemo dude, I’m sure a disaster won’t happen while I’m away; it’ll probably happen here, what with how they tend to follow me everywhere and all. Supes launches a probe into the black hole and we see it get sucked in and stretch allll the way out like aaaah, what the helllllll. Supes nods as he makes note of what’s occurred. “okay going through a black hole means you get all stretched out got it, got it.” He’s about ready to pack it in and call it a day when almost on a cue, a huge space ship comes blasting past him and heading towards the black hole. Using his X-ray vision, he notes that everyone inside is not purposely trying to fly into a black hole and decides to get out of his spaceship and help.
My favorite is the guy just trying to mount that big thing in the middle!
He grabs one of the wings of the ships which rips off and decides instead to fly in front of the ship, activate the rocket boots in his space suit and push the ship back that way. Then he uses, I guess some other kind of super vision that he has to see the ship’s vapor trail and take it back to where it came from.
As he lands the ship on the planet, he’s for some reason no longer in his spacesuit and who knows where the hell is space rocket is. He gently sets the ship down and rips the door off because I’ll just assume he could tell that uh, it was stuck closed and there was no way the people inside could open it for him. He goes inside expecting hugs and kisses and maybe a sexual favor or two because lord knows Lois ain’t putting out, but instead the people inside recoil in fear! “He’s one of them!” one of them shouts. Maybe the door ripping was a bit much, Supes. Maybe. They go running past him as he stands there confused and unfulfilled.
Superman stands there for a bit, going over recent events in his head. Before he can hear anything with his superhearing, some crazy space rays BLAST him from behind. He turns to see two ships zipping off and thinks “OH NO THEY DIDN’.” He zips off and attacks the ships, disabling them, while of course leaving the soldier inside perfectly safe, if not a bit startled. More soldiers show up when all of a sudden OH BALLS IT’S MALA ARE YOU FUCKING ME.
She recognizes Superman and starts being all “oh hellooooo Kal-El” and then welcomes him…
TO NEW KRYPTON
Superman glares at her because this planet, would you believe, is not actually New Krypton. He thinks quietly to himself “How about welcome to new fuck you bitch.”
He follows Mala inside where Jax-Ur is also on the planet.
Jax-Ur is drinking some Kool-Aid from a beaker which he then SLAMS down onto the tray one of the servants is holding, knocking the tray and pitcher of more Kool-Aid to the floor. Seriously dude, manners.
The two of them start going on and on and on oh Krypton this and Krypton that and Krypton Krypton Krypton and do you remember Krytpon oh it was so great this planet is gonna be juuuust like Krypton except for how it’s a completely different planet but we loooooove Kryton soooooo much. Supes is finding this a little tiring. Are these people going to stop talking ever? Life is so much more pleasant when I just AM the last Kryptonian and there aren’t these other dudes rubbing their Kryptonianness in my face…
Supes asked how they escaped the Phantom Zone and they explain that while some of the scientists from this planet were out studying that black hole and then some meteors collided and opened a rift in the phantom zone? WHAT? So the two of them pop their Kryptonian asses into the vacuum of space and start suffocating until the scientists help them. The scientists take them back to the planet where oh ha ha they decide to take over.
Jax-Ur decides to take Supes on a little tour of the planet to show them how good they are at being crazy dictators! Look! We’ve cut down forests so that we could build factories, and we assigned people jobs based on what we think of them. Our schools are filled with clones and people can choose from up to four acceptable dances when at one of our only occasionally had government-sanctioned parties! What’s not to love!
Supes notes out loud that no one seems happy and Jax-Ur assures him that a fifth dance is in the works, they’re just working out the details and it should be up and running in the next month or so! Promise!
As the tour nears and end, a rocket comes careening out of the sky towards them, but Mala quickly destroys it with her laser eyes. Jax-Ur explains that anarchists still like to shoot at them once in a while, ha ha isn’t that funny!
Finding this to be up to his crazy dictator standards, Superman nods and Jax shows him to his ship, which I guess they had some dudes go get. Still no idea where his suit is but it’s best not to ask too many questions round these parts.
Jax-Ur leaves him be, as one of the chicks from the ship earlier is sneaking around. She takes out the guard near Superman’s ship and runs over to him asking him to help, ya know, beat up those assholes and stuff. She explains that the people on the ship weren’t criminals like they said, but leaders. LEADERS IN CRIME? No, just leaders. Superman says he can’t beat them up, because it would cause too much destruction. Nevermind the fact that later, everytime Darkseid drops by, he punches him through like 30-40 buildings at a goddamn time. Oh no, wouldn’t want to cause too much destruction.
Elsewhere, one of the soldiers is reporting to Mala and Jax that that escaped chick has found Superman and is plotting something. Mala is like oooooh I’m so pleeeeased that you told me this and starts rubbing the dude’s metal chest plate and trying to make out with him. Jax rolls his eyes and insists that Mala hurry her ass up. She runs off in one direction, and the soldier dude, Alterus, runs off in another to rinse his mouth out with hydrogen peroxide and ammonia.
The friendly alien chick, Cetea, is showing Superman the secret part of the tour! And that secret part isssssss…
SHIPS! Filled with robots! And those robots are going to Earth! Surprised? Who’s surprised? I wasn’t surprised.
Neither was Superman. He asked why he’s not surprised and I know he means that rhetorically, but the answer really is that everyone is obsessed with fuckin’ with him. Superman decides that if EARTH is threatened too, well then, now he’ll just have to do something, but before he can do much of anything, a bunch of alarms start going off and Mala shows up to start fighting with him.
Supes dukes it out with her for a bit, I mean he can take a girl right? But then, Jax shows up too and he uses some crazy ring thing to trap Superman. I guess it’s magnetic fields or something, the point is he is trapped.
A bit later, Jax-Ur is on a huge spaceship gazing out at the black hole. Superman and Cetea are bolted to the front of a rocket and Jax Ur is explaining his plan to launch them into the hole, which makes sense for Superman, but seems like a bit of overkill for that chick. He’s all taaaalking and taaaaalking and telling Superman how he might get to see the inside of the black hole before he dies and won’t that be like sooooooo cool?! In fact! He says that HE almost envies Superman! Imagine that! That’s just crazy.
Suddenly the ship shakes a bunch and Alterus runs in. He tells the two crazy fucks that everything is breaking and maybe you should go look at it because I can’t fix it. Jax and Mala leave him to watch Superman and Cetea. Cetea tells him that he is an asshole for helping them and Alterus pulls out a gun and blasts them free from the rocket! WHO IS AN ASSHOLE NOW CETEA!? I WAS PLAYING THE LONG CON THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I BURNED OFF MY TASTEBUDS TO HELP YOU.
Cetea and Alterus make with the escaping as Mala and Jax realize that nothing is actually broken at all, someone just turned the ship to “Salsa” instead of its normal “smooth jazz” setting. Jax figures out they’ve been betrayed and heads back to that rocket to launch Superman into space fast but he’s already free and he’s already punching them.
In the midst of all the fighting, the ship gets wrecked up pretty bad and starts to break in half.
Mala and Jax grab breathing masks but Superman is dreadfully lacking in the oxygen area as they end up in the emptiness of space. Mala wants to keep beating on Supes, but Jax is a bit more pragmatic and tells her they should make for that escape pod, ship…thing and leave him to suffocate. Superman wants the space ship pod all to himself though and tries to fight them away from it. As the larger ship gets sucked into the black hole, the three Kryptonians duke it out. Supes gives them one wicked punch each and as he climbs into the escape ship, Jax and Mala are SUCKED INTO A BLACK HOLE.
I guess we don’t know…like…for sure that they’re dead..heh, heh…eeeeeeh.
Back on the planet, the happy people are waving goodbye to Superman who has somehow gotten his space suit back and is ready to head back to earth, probably not bothering to smash up all the those robots that are still on this planet programmed for destruction, just trusting that no one HERE will be crazy and hate him. And if someone does, eh, he’ll worry about it later.