Terry’s Friend Dates A Robot

You guys are getting another episode commentary! Sonofabitch, it’s almost like I don’t have a job or something!

I watched some Batman Beyond last night, specifically the episode Terry’s Friend Dates a Robot. This episode has the best title ever. Yes it does. The best.

It was written by Paul Dini and features a large-toothed man named Howard. Who looks remarkably like Paul Dini, as drawn in the comic “Dini the Meaney” (from S:TAS-Mxypixilated.)

Oh, when I started watching this last night, I had somehow turned on the french subtitles on my DVD player. I think Batman would be less threatening in French. Are you le dense? Are you le retarded or zomething? See? Also the idea of Batman saying “wee” all the time makes me giggle.

So uh, the episode starts with Terry fighting some of Bruce’s robots made to look like his own villians, I guess in case any of them ever come back, and are as spry as a robot. Though I should remark that there is no Joker robot, and oh look, guess which Batman villian actually does come back.

Terry then has to go replace this head for the Killer Croc robot at what I can only assume is Robots R’ Us. I like Bruce making Terry fix his robot after first making him break it. Just uh, just seems kinda mean.

Howard comes along with Terry and while he’s there, sees a guy illegally making people futuristic RealDolls, I mean robot girlfriends. He asks the guy if he could make him one and the guy, who I should note looks like Steve Buscemi,

agrees to do so, for some money. The exact quote is, “For the right price, I’d shave a coyote.”

Which gets me wondering what kind of person needs coyotes shaved and why you have to contract that work out and how much is the right price for coyote shaving, and long story short, I missed the rest of the scene.

Somewhere along the way, Howard gets his robot girlfriend and takes her to school where she immediately starts trying to kill people. I don’t know what else anyone expects from robots at this point, really. If a robot shows up anywhere nowadays, I just assume it’s probably gonna try to kill me. It’s better to air on the side of caution with these things. “These things” being horrible killer robots. The robot is pretty hot though.

An important lesson here is that if you have a hot girlfriend, other girls will become interested in you. Apparently. If that girl is a total fucking flooze.

Ya know what I love about Batman Beyond? Everyone says “schway.” That’s schway, you’re schway, everything is schway. It’s…uh…it’s schway.

I hope I’m spelling that right, the only closed captions I had were in French.

This episode has all kinds of like…almost dirty stuff and it is totally hot, and at the same time deeply confusing.

In the end, Howard tells Cynthia (that’s the robot’s name, by the way) that he’d like to “just be friends.”

Her brain goes all “DOES NOT FEMPUTE!”

And she starts hurling things at him, including kitchen appliances. Sometimes I think there’s some sort of feminist message in the episode, but I’ll be goddamned if I can figure out what it is.

This fight ends with Terry showing up in his little batsuit and yelling “SHE’S GONNA BLOW” which, maaan, this episode is just dirtier and dirtier.

The house blows up, Howard’s parents come home, apparently from their trip to the 1950’s, and are none too pleased.

His dad yells about leaving him the credit card: “WHAT DID YOU BUY WITH IT!? DYNAMITE?! DYNAMITE TO BLOW UP THE HOUSE WITH!?!”

Ya know, I wonder if they even use dynamite that much in the future.