I’m gonna do a Batman episode, like I said I would. And I’ve decided to go with Almost Got ‘Im. This is a seriously awesome episode, written by the great Paul Dini (man, when you put “great” in front of his name it sounds like he’s a magician). The episode is all about Joker, Killer Croc, Two-Face, Penguin, and Poison Ivy playing cards at an obviously shady joint and sharing thier stories of how close they’ve come to killing Batman. And it’s hilarious. I love this episode.
We all know Croc’s “I THREW A ROCK AT HIM!” bit, featuring one of the best pans ever:
But one of my other favourite parts is:
TWO-FACE: Poison Ivy.
IVY: It’s been a long time, Harvey. You’re still looking half-way decent.
TWO-FACE: Half of me wants to strangle ya.
IVY: And what does the other half want?
TWO-FACE: To hit ya with a truck.
IVY: We used to date.
JOKER & PENGUIN: Ahh.
Speaking of Two-Face, can someone turn him down a notch? Jeesh! Playing cards, he gets rid of two of them, keeps two kings and a two, then gets another two. His story involves him robbing a mint of two million dollars in two dollar bills (but Harv! that’s only one million bills!) and his posse is the two-Ton gang. But the absolute best Two-Face joke?
Half & Half.
Two-Face’s story has the origin of the giant penny! Awesome!
It crushed those dudes!
It also has him going “oh god where’s my coin again?”
Seriously, Harv, that thing’s a goddamn liability.
Penguin’s story involved birds, go figure. I’ve always found the “I <3 Birds" version of Penguin to be kinda boring. Even when you dip their beaks in poison, I still have a hard time feeling threatened by hummingbirds. But, I think we can all agree that that giant casuary is a fucked up bird.
On the topic of beaks, what’s with Batman’s schnozz in this episode?
I imagine he didn’t kiss Catwoman at the end because it would likely have cost her an eye.
Joker’s story involves him having Bats tied to a chair that electrocutes you when people laugh. They pump the studio full of laughing gas, and Harley starts reading the phone book. It is a hilarious phone book. Catwoman comes to the rescue, and we get another appearance of Harley’s big gun. In one of the episode commentaries, Timm and Dini talked about getting a huge toy gun in a Japan that they absolutely loved, so they started putting a big Harley gun into episodes in the hopes that a toy version of it would get made.
So after Joker tells his story, Croc asks him what happened to Catwoman. Joker says where she is and then BAM. One of the best moments ever:
That is the most guns ever. It’s like five minutes of “KCHTCKKCHCTHKCKHCHKCHKTKCHCKTCHKTCHKTCHKCHCKHCKHCKHTKHCKHTKHCKHKHCKHTKHCKHTKHCKHTKCHKCT.”
It was such a Batman moment. One of those “hahaha gotcha” things that just make you sit there thinking “you sly fucker, you were Croc all along.”
Way to uh…take one on the chin, Bats.
Heh heh…take one on the chin…heh…heheh…oh man.
So Bats runs off and saves Catwoman and they don’t make out and I’m like “GOD MAKE OUT ALREADY!” Despite my disappointment in the lack of lip-locking, I still love this episode and I know lots of other people do too.
Up next! “In Blackest Night”