For those of you who are unaware, Superman Doomsday comes out tomorrow and you should all head to the store to purchase it. Last summer, DC announced a project of adapting several of its well-known stories to an animated form, spearheaded by the one and only Bruce Timm. They premiered the movie at Comic-Con this summer, and I was lucky enough to attend. Let me just say, it is fucking awesome.
As a precursor to its release, it was suggested I do one of the episodes featuring Doomsday. Since A Better World is a hell of a task, I opted instead to do Doomsday Sanction.
The episode opens with the infamous shower scene. The adorably plump Amanda Waller wakes up at the un-fucking-godly hour of 4:30 in the goddamn morning. I have seen 4:30 in the morning more often due to staying up that late rather than getting up that painfully early. She has herself a good ol’ mug of Freedom Coffee, and heads to the shower.
In the time it takes her to scrub every inch of her body, Batman has determined this would be the best time to creep the fuck out of her. She reaches for a towel and Batman hands it to her. Oh how I’ve dreamed of Batman handing me a towel as I emerge from a steamy shower. God that’s so hot.
Waller explains that Cadmus was started because Superman had to explain the whole “world domination” thing that the Justice Lords pulled. Cadmus was created to kick the League’s ass if need be. Though they seem to try to be doing that even if it not need be. He politely explains to Waller that he is a fucking badass, and it is fucking on.
As he scampers away, Waller decides to now try to call security. Perhaps she realizes the uselessness of that, and just wanted a hug.
On the Watchtower, the original seven are chilling around their conference table. Flash is more concerned about evacuating the island but everyone else wants to have a camera spinning around the table scene like this is That 70’s Show or something. We see the folks at Cadmus having a similar meeting, and holy fuck there is a lot of foreshadowing in this scene.
The league is discussing the money backing Cadmus since, as Supes explains, he’s seen the federal budget and there’s no part in it that says “Cadmus” or even “ARRRRR JUSTICE LEAGUE BAD.” Anyway, the more pressing matter here is why Superman is looking at the federal budget in the first place? Did he just swing by the White House one day? “Hey lemme see the budget, I’m gonna check your math.” Was he hovering above looking down through the roof with his X-ray vision into the president’s desk and saw a folder labeled “BUDGET”? Is he just looking at the budget that’s released to the public? He can’t seriously believe that’s the actual budget. I mean Bruce hides funds for an entire satellite base in the Wayne Tech budget. In a world where someone like Question is in a superhero league instead of in a basement somewhere, how can you possible afford to be that naive?
The Cadmus crew is discussing their various projects, and an old friend from B:TAS, Dr. Milo is getting his worthless ass canned. He expresses his bitterness by imagining whipping out a huge gun and killing everyone. Instead he stomps angrily away, vowing to show them! Show them all!
He heads into a room where we find Doomsday all hooked up to a bunch of shit. He starts chatting him up, explaining that Superman isn’t who he should hate, despite this eerie shit:
Comes equipped with laser eyes and everything.
Instead, Milo suggests, he should kick Waller’s and Hamilton’s collective ass. He explains that Doomsday was a clone of Superman, made to be genetically superior. “Superior” meaning “hideous with lots of bones exposed and a poor dental plan.” Doomsday tells Milo that sure he’ll kill people, scout’s honor, pinky swear. Milo lets him out, and, big surprise, Doomsday promptly murders him cold. Doomsday starts knocking down some shit, but don’t worry these guys with guns are totally on top of things. Undeterred by the annoyance of bullets, Doomsday catches the next rocket out of there.
Let’s backtrack a moment.
Waller said Cadmus was created after they found out about the Justice Lords. But when the Justice Lords initially showed up, they fought Doomsday. Doomsday was created by Cadmus. Is she a lying bitch or was it just an oversight on the production end of things? This is the sort of thing I would ask Bruce Timm, if I weren’t too busy asking if certain buildings are supposed to look like faces.
So where were we? Ah yes, Doomsday escaped and on the island of San Bacaro, the League is working on getting everyone to safety because a damn volcano is gonna blow its freakin’ top. In an attempt to buy them some time or maybe stop the eruption all together, Supes is digging some holes with lava racing along behind him.
It isn’t long before Doomsday finds him with the help of the Superman tracking device he must be equipped with. They start having this awesome fight in lava! I think everything is probably just that much cooler if it is taking place in lava. A car chase, a late morning brunch, a bowling tournament. Add “in lava!” to the end and it is a one-way ticket to Excitement Town.
Eiling thinks Doomsday going right for Supes is the best fucking thing ever, but Waller is ready to body check him into a wall of spikes, and insists that he fix the fucking problem since he’s so fucking happy about it. He calls in an order to a sub, and as we all know, 98% of subs are nuclear subs, so there goes a nuke. See ya nuke.
Supes is fighting Doomsday in the lava some more, and Wonder Woman is quite concerned. She doesn’t say “Hera,” but you know she’s thinking it.
From up in the Watchtower, Batman and J’onn see the missile heading towards the island. Suddenly a phone rings in Waller’s office and it’s Batman, calling on the super secret president line. He tells her she best get that missile headed somewhere else or he’s gonna go all Psycho on her the next time she showers, she knows he can.
Bats decides to take matters into his own hands, heading for the hangar and telling everyone to get the hell out of there, which they do. He starts entering the atmosphere a bit too fast, and J’onn, not wanting Batman to catch fire, says that maybe he should be just a teeny tiny bit careful.
Waller, having heard about this missile from Batman, stomps off to yell at Eiling some more. I would’ve loved to see her slap him around a bit. She insist he call off the missile but, as he informs us, anti-abort safeties have already kicked in. Look. Anti-abort safeties? Those aren’t fucking safeties. Those are something else. Dangerousies, perhaps. Or how about: fucking stupidies.
Back inside the volcano, Superman’s shirt has finally succumbed to the lava and Doomsday’s brutal hands. His pants, however, are in tip top shape. I don’t know what the hell they make pants out of in the DCAU, but it is the sturdiest shit ever.
J’onn tells Wonder Woman about the missile, and she then instructs Flash to “Get everyone as far away as possible” which I thought was the entire point of evacuating an island which they are already doing. Thanks, Wonder Woman. She heads off to help Superman.
Batman has made it to Earth without dying and he’s heading for that missile at a fierce velocity. He fires a couple of his own missiles at it and they bounce off, because the missile is armed with magnetic something something. J’onn knows a way around it, though it won’t be pretty. He reluctantly tells Batman that he could give the hull of the Javelin an opposing charge, and you don’t have to be a telepath to know what J’onn’s thinking: “Why did I tell him that, he’s gonna do it and god I hope he doesn’t die.”
Bats takes J’onn’s advice and he gets the missile right up on the Javelin, and steers it away from the island before ejecting and getting tossed around in the seas. It always looks so cool when someone punches through glass to hit an eject button. If I had one of those “Things to do before I die” lists, “punch through glass to hit an eject button” would totally be on there. Right around “slide down a zip line directly into a Ferrari.”
Supes is still pounding it out with Doomsday and even tries to lobotomize him, as the Justice Lord Superman had done! DUN DUN DUNNNNNN! He picks Doomsday up by the head with one hand, and I think “man, he must have huge hands.” He chunks Doomsday into the volcano as it explodes. The lava floods near him and Wonder Woman swoops him up at time. Even though I believe he was just splashing around in the lava like it was a kiddie pool a bit earlier.
Up in the Watchtower, they’re interrogating Doomsday who’s trapped in a bunch of hardened lava. They decide to send him into the Phantom Zone, and Doomsday threatens that he’ll get free and kill Superman still. Which, given certain peoples propensity for just hitting whatever buttons they damn well please on the Phantom Zone projector, doesn’t seem that all that unlikely.
Bruce is laid up all full of bandages and braces.
Supes and Wonder Woman walk in, and the latter makes a crack about monitor duty. Batman is bitchin’ and moanin’ about sending Doomsday to the Phantom Zone, and Supes makes a joke about Batman being there to stop him if he starts getting uppity. Bruce informs him that he doesn’t get joke. Apparently it was ok when Wonder Woman did earlier though. Titties get you a free pass. Bruce reminds Superman that he took a huge fucking bullet for him, and he instructs Bruce to get some rest. Like that’ll happen. He was probably in the Batsuit again that night, hobbling through the Watchtower insisting they teleport him home because he’s got shit to do. He has to go tell Lucius about his terrible…ski accident. Yes. Yes, ski accident.