I was gonna start this commentary out by quoting the Semisonic song “Chemistry” and then I realized that fucking no one reading this would understand what I was going on about. So let’s just forget that and dive right into stuff here.
The episode opens with a huge fancy wedding. Buh. They’re preparing to toss the bouquet and fat lady gets right up in front. I caught one once. It wasn’t all that great. That fat lady misses and pretty lady in the back catches it even though she didn’t seem that frantic about it, and you would almost think she had simply been walking past when a bunch of flowers landed in her hands. The lady’s name is Susan and the wedding photographer requests a picture of her and the man that caught the garter. That man, of course, being Bruce Wayne. And you can be fucking right he caught that thing. He probably had his eyes closed and snatched it out of the air going by sound alone, while his other hand held a champagne glass that he sipped from. Because, you see, he’s Batman.
As he discusses the wedding with the bride, Veronica, she mentions how sudden the whole relationship occurred. She says something along the lines of them only having been together for a couple weeks. My mind at this point, is blown by the ability to put together a wedding that fucking extravagant in that short a time.
Quick aside here. I worked for 2 years as a wedding DJ before moving away. I am so dissillusioned to the entire ordeal involved in most weddings.
Tim and Barbara are at the wedding too, though come to think of it, I’m not sure why Barbara was there. Tim, despite being a well-trained fighter and moving with swiftness and precision in his battle against evil, does not use those same skills while eating cake.
Also who holds a cake like that?
At this wedding, Bruce is completely taken by the beautiful lady he met earlier. Later on, while preparing to bust up a robbery, he gazes off wistfully, his mind filled with thoughts of Susan, as the most un-Batman expression ever consumes his face.
Creeps the hell out of me.
He messes up while fighting the robbers, and Tim ends up saving his ass. Batman’s little Bat heart is throbbing inside his chest and he scampers off to see the lady who has filled him with such emotion. From a ledge, he pulls out his binoculars and peers into her apartment. You see, Batman would be the creepiest, most unsettling stalker ever. To have him eerily obsessed with you, with that sort of mindset that he loves you despite never talking to you. Putting tracers on everything, bugging your phone, watching what you do online, your finances, your eating habits, absolutely everything.
“You know she threw away a hairbrush once.”
Oh god, he’d have all kinds of your stuff in his cave.
Moving on, he decides to propose to this chick and gives her a huge ass ring. Fucking huge. The thing’s like the size of my eye. In the cave he ponders this new feeling, this happiness as the kids call it. He then decides to stop being Batman, because a happy Batman is a terrible Batman.
At the wedding, Jason Blood shows up.
But as the courtesy to not turn into Etrigan.
Again, I am stunned at the ability to plan such a giant wedding on short notice. Gotham wedding planners must make a million fucking dollars on this shit.
At the wedding, Bruce receives a phone call from Veronica (the chick who got married earlier!) She’s yelling and screaming and making all sorts of fuss. Faced with prospect of someone in trouble, Bruce knows what he must do and runs off to save her. I, in the meantime, am totally distracted by this picture on his wall:
At Veronica’s house, her crazy laser security can’t protect her from her husband as he walks right through because (gasp) he’s not a human! He does…something and the house blows up as Bruce arrives, causing what seems to be a damn clip on bowtie to come undone.
He naturally manages to save the chick, in part because he is really fucking smart. At the hospital, he explains to her panicked husband that someone may be trying to kill her and that he’s hired some security guards. Bruce prepares to leave on a boat with his lovely bride, along with some other newlyweds. Tim and Barbara are instructed to watch Veronica’s husband, Michael, while he fucks his wife. Bruce, that is.
Michael leads them to Poison Ivy where he shows off his leafy chest hair, and Ivy mentions a scheme scheduled to take place on a boat. “Which boat would that be?” the audience ponders. Upset at plant man, she rips his upper body skin and shirt off, but at the behest of BS&P, I imagine, leaves his pants intact.
Ivy leaves the room and Tim leaps to investigate. He and Barbara are captured by vines and shit, because Ivy’s into that sort of security. In the ensuing scuffle, they discover that some liquid Ivy had totally messes plants up, making me wonder why she even has it.
On the boat, Bruce is listening to some of the other husbands discuss their new brides. They all mention how compliant their wives are with their husbands’ unique demands. Yes, the perfect bride is simply someone who puts up with your stupid shit. The same thing as the perfect husband. Little do they realize that the shit they have to put up with is boning a plant, an activity they have most likely already unwittingly partaken in. The other husbands also mention their wives all having green eyes. So it appears that although Ivy can craft fully-functioning humans out of plants, with functioning genitals and reasonable human-level intelligence, she has yet to discover technology mastered by contact lense companies years ago.
Bruce is tipped off by this crazy shit, because he’s seen enough crazy shit to know that crazy shit usually means a crazy person is involved, and those crazy people are usually from his rogues gallery. He questions Susan. Where are you from? Who is your family? Why didn’t you have any bridesmaids at the wedding? What’s your favorite color? Did you catch that bouquet with magic plant powers?
Somewhere around here, she is revealed to be a plant to Bruce. And not like, a spy or a secret advertiser. “That’s why you never eat!” exclaims Bruce, “You’re photosynthesizing!”
One of them, I forget which, states that relationships aren’t supposed to be easy and th–wait, fuck hold on.
I gotta go make sure my husband isn’t a plant.
Ok he’s not. Wait fuck. Maybe I’m a plant.
Ok no on that one too. Weird.
Ivy arrives on the boat and everyone is screaming because she’s got some seaweed attacking it. The sturdiest seaweed in the world. She explains her plan to destroy the ship and having all the rich folks’ spouses survive. Those spouses being her plants, thus leaving them all with their vast fortunes. Yeah, because a bunch of incredibly rich people getting married in a matter of weeks, getting on a boat which sinks, and having only the previously not rich spouses survive won’t look supsicious at all.
Ivy also takes a moment to explain that the boat won’t just sink, but it will in fact explode due to the cold seawater hitting the hot boiler. I do the math in my head quick and that equation does not, in any way, compute.
Quickly moving on, Batgirl and Robin zip in with the Batplane and decide to kick some plant ass. Err…leaf? Roots. I don’t know. Robin’s got a backpack full of the acid stuff they found in Ivy’s lab and takes out her plant guy, in the sort of morbid scene they slip past BS&P with the “he’s a plant!” type reasoning.
A fat lady, upon the discovery that the only man to ever love her was a walking salad, decides to take charge and starts beating the crap out of some plant people. It was nothing if not symbolic.
The Bat-folk get all the rich people onto a boat as the other boat explodes. Bats grabs the rope ladder on the Bat-plane and zips off with one last reach to try to save Ivy. She goes down with the ship, as does Bruce’s wife, staring out the window of their cabin that she’d been locked in.
Bats holds his wedding band, which I guess he’d put in his belt? Or over his ring finger on his gloved hand. And in the most nonchalant manner, flicks it into the ocean.
I hope a fish doesn’t choke on it, or Aquaman will undoubtedly get pissy.