As comic book fans, we here are all too familiar with the neverending debates of which character is stronger/faster/smarter/richer/cuter/better in the sack. We cite issues and stats and power levels that change faster than uh, for relevancy’s sake, let’s say the weather. As fans we never get the chance to actually decide who would win and make a definitive answer and say “HERE THIS IS HOW IT GOES.” But the actual writers do have that chance! And sometimes they act like they are going to do that and then don’t actually do that at all!
Speed Demons opens with a lovely banner declaring that today there will be a FASTEST MAN ALIVE CHARITY RACE. The race is going to be between Superman and Central City’s Scarlet Speedster, the Flash. The race has to be for charity so that everyone watching doesn’t go “hey shouldn’t they be saving people?”
They are saving people. With this race. It’s for charity.
The episode doesn’t mention how it’s for charity. I hope it’s not one of those “pledge a certain dollar amount per mile” sort of thing because the race is a race around the world!
ONE HUNDRED TIMES!
The earth is around 25,000 miles around. So if you pledge a penny a mile, you have just agreed to give 25,000 dollars to charity.
Don’t worry too much though.
Shit’s bound to go wrong.
At the race, Superman comes flying through the air, waving to fans. I guess he doesn’t want to get his running shoes dirty. Yeah, there’s Lois, yep, point your butt at her, very nice. Jimmy tells Lois that he is so sure Superman is gonna win this and did she see how Superman just pointed his butt at him? That was totally weird. Lois laughs and says not to be so sure, because this guy from Central City is pretty damn fast too. Well if he’s so fast, Jimmy wonders, where is he?
I don’t know, maybe he’s saving someone Jimmy. Maybe he’s got some annoying fuck at his office who is always like “oh no I’m in trouble again.”
Right then though, Flash comes zipping in and almost totally blows Lois’s skirt up. Flash offers up a high five to Superman which he seems incredibly excited about, but Flash pulls the ol’ TOO SLOW routine and leaves Superman looking the fool. Lois manages to get a question in to Flash and he zips over and starts hitting on her. Are all the other reporters in Metropolis really bad at trying to ask a question or does Lois just have a voice that pierces above and beyond the rest? Anyway, Flash does some macking and Supes ain’t too pleased with it, but it’s time to start the race anyway, so whatever.
The…mayor? Yeah mayor (voiced by Carl Lumbly!) attaches an armband to each our contestants so we can track them on the ridiculously and unnecessarily long race. He is handed them by a shady guy with a goatee. Yeesh.
Flash and Superman get poised at the starting line. Superman crouched over and Flash standing straight up with arms crossed, looking nonchalant and totally chill. Supes doesn’t much like Flash. The Mayor fires off a gun, and the two take off through the town, down the busy streets. At one point they appear to go down one road and then turn back and go down a different road? The route for this race was really poorly planned.
AND 100 TIMES?
As our heroes zip away from the starting line, the mayor spins around hilarious, Lois’s skirt probably flew up again, and the shady goatee man creeps away almost foaming at the mouth with glee. He climbs into a jeep and drives off, removing not only a fake goatee but also fake hair! He turns off a road towards a house mysteriously covered with snow. The dude looks mighty pissed and stomps inside where this piddling dude is like “See Mark? It works!” and explains that the armbands on our heroes have already generated enough energy to power the weather controlling dumbell he holds.
“Mark” then grabs the dumbell and calls the other dude “little brother” which is something I also often do with no explanation to my family or anyone else around me. Little brother, big brother, second cousin, great aunt. Just constantly referring to relatives by how they are related to me. He yells at him and tells him not to make fucking snow piles out front, goddammit, the jeep almost got stuck and he doesn’t have a ice scraper and how fucking annoying would it be to scrape your window when it’s not even snowing 30 feet away?
Mark puts on some silly glasses and sends a video to NIMBUS or the army or something and makes some crazy threats and as a display of his power, decides to fuck with the weather in the ocean somewhere.
As the sky grows cloudy, the waters get rough and a boat gets into some trouble. Superman and Flash, on their like…35th lap or something just happen to be in the area.
God. ONE HUNDRED LAPS. That is some Nascar level shit there. And it’s not like anyone could even watch. There’s not even anything that exciting TOO watch. They’re just going in a straight line. And everyone else is just seeing the dots on a tracking device. “Oh look, they’re still right fucking next to each other, great.” You would think a race between two goddamn superheroes would be exciting, but god, can we just do like a 100 meter dash next time? Isn’t that really all that’s necessary here? Is this really an endurance trial? STOP RUNNING.
Where the fuck was I.
Oh yeah, so Superman notices the boat in trouble and FLIES over to help and Flash is like, oh ok I guess we’re done and he goes over to help too. They fix the boat and clean up the oil and save all the dudes. On the boat, Captain Earmuffs, who seems to fucking love his job, is showing Flash and Superman the tape Mark sent.
He has now declared himself the Weather Wizard. Flash says he recognizes him as someone he’s arrested before.
Flash takes off to find Weather Wizard and Superman takes off after him. As they run back to Metropolis, Weather Wizard points his dumbell at his hoverhologlobe and makes a freak snow storm occur that freezes the two of them solid and probably fucks the ecosystem in the general area, for at least a little while.
Thankfully Superman was frozen with his eyes wide open and he charges up the laser eyes to melt his way out. Boiling hot steam on the eyes! Ow!
Flash is already out, and Superman asks how. He explains some stuff about vibrating and particles and melting. It’s Flash, he might as well say “magic” most of the time. He did leave a wacky Looney Tunes-esque Flash cut-out in the ice.
Flash is about take off again, when Superman’s gigantic brain ponders how Weather Wizard managed to target them so effectively. Uuuuh, he’s a wizard.
THE ARMBANDS! They both declare!
Or…or the armbands, I guess.
They snap them off and again head toward Metropolis. Weather Wizard is making some more threats and demanding money or he’ll unlease a hurricane that’ll destroy Metropolis. In their little woodsy cabin, Ben (his little brother) is begging him not hurt anyone as that wasn’t part of the deal. He made a weather control device to help people! He was just gonna let you play with it, now give it back! C’mon! I’m gonna call Mom! Weather Wizard tells his naggy little brother to just leave if he doesn’t want to help kill people and also calls him a dork and a wuss. Ben leaves, but the Wiz also attacks him with…guess! A snow storm! It causes Ben to crash his jeep over a ledge, but Superman and Flash have arrived in time.
Inside, Wiz is pointing his wand at the hoverhologlobe and cranking it up to hurricane. I have no idea how his dumbell wand works.
There’s no dials on it, and pointing at a globe is the most inaccurate method of targetting ever. It’s like “HURRICANE. HERE.” and then “here” ends up being all of North Carolina.
In Metropolis, it’s getting a little stormy, and Lois’s skirt is going a little crazy again. She also seems to still be standing at the start of the race.
Flash runs towards the house and suddenly lightning blasts out and hits him, multiple times. It’s like some kind of sheild or something. Superman says he’ll figure something out and does his little drill routine. He busts in and Weather Wizard blasts him with lightning from his wand. He says, for serious, “Your powers are nothing compared to mine.”
Hahahaha, that’s a fucking riot. His powers are nothing? Nothing? Hahahahahahaha. I could end this review right here because that is the funniest shit I have heard all day, Weather Wizard.
Around then, Flash comes zipping in through the hole in the floor as well, and makes with the punching of Mr. Wiz. I lost track of what went wrong here, but the machine starts basically fucking up. The inside of the house gets really windy and Superman grabs Wizard and Flash and flies them away. Thank god the machine breaks down and defaults to “off” instead of “on” otherwise we’d be blaming it for everything instead of global warming or El Nino, or it’s retarded cousin, La Nina.
At the prison, Supes and Flash are patting each other on the back for a job well done and a house well blown up. Supes says to Flash, “This morning I thought you were a hyperactive jerk. But you’re ok.”
Yeah, thanks. Don’t fly through any rings to be nice to me or anything. God.
Around this time they realize they forgot to finish the race.
IT WAS FOR CHARITY YOU FUCKS!
They take off again and nothing gets resolved.
Of course, later in the DCAU, Flash circles the globe in like 4 seconds so really I guess that settles that.