All right all right, I’m a goddamn slacker. I went home for Christmas, I came back and decided that I really just needed some time to chill out. But now I’m excited to do some two-parters from the other series and we’re kicking things off today with The Main Man and the DCAU debut of that lovable bounty hunter Lobo.
First, let me ask you guys, have you watched the new American Gladiators? Have you gotten a taste of Wolf?
Did you know Lobo means wolf? Are you happier knowing this? Or sad? I can’t seem to decide.
The episode starts with Superman in the desert flying around in his little rocket ship that he fit into perfectly as a baby and now fits into perfectly as an adult. He zips past the shelter housing Professor Hamilton and other scientists from STAR Labs who look at their computational devices whose readings are, as they say, “off the scale.”
Supes turns around and points his rocket right at their tiny hut made from clay and dirt, likely built by local natives and bears down upon it like a dog gone mad. The scientists all shit themselves, and Superman, satisfied with those results, pulls up and parks his rocket outside. He hops out and and Hamilton runs up declaring their work to restore it a success then tries to subtly ask Superman where he kept all these years, but Superman declines to answer for fear he would accidentally say “In a barn at the house of my adoptive earth parents, John and Martha Kent-FUCK!” Hamilton gets all ooh-aah about space travel for a minute and ponders the wonderful creatures that might exist there.
Cut to Lobo. Naturally. He’s in a bar called, no joke, the Steaming Load.
He’s beating on dudes, as is his wont. He grabs this little dude, Sqweek, who has a face with an eye and on that eye is another face which is like whoa.
Sqweek is Lobo’s latest bounty, but he’s got some trouble as Sqweek’s brother is after him too. Lobo, being the baddest badass ever, prevails over Sqweek’s brother and his lackeys. Lobo whistles for a cab and when it came near the license pla-WHOA HOLD ON.
He whistles for his motorcycle, which flies over and he rides it out into space. As he nears a large ship, a weird floaty egg-esque guy spots him and commands that he be zapped. Lobo finds himself aboard the egg guy’s ship and his none to happy about. Eggo introduces himself as the Preserver and gestures down his hallway as he talks about collecting the rarest species in the universe, despite there obviously being two of the same creature in opposite tubes.
He tells Lobo that he would like to hire him to capture the last Kryptonian for him. The last Krypt–why, that’s Superman! Lobo isn’t up for it, but the Preserver shows him a pile of money which changes his mind.
On Earth, some news crews have spotted Lobo flying around and he lands his bike at a police station where he demands to talk to Superman. The cop tells him that Supes doesn’t show unless there’s trouble, well good idea cop.
At the Planet, Lois flops a paper down in front of Clark with a story he’s written on the front page. She asks Clark how he manages to get these stories and Clark calmly explains that he’s actually Superman in disguise and he uses that to get the drop on news and blah blah blah. Lois calls him sick and stomps off.
Shortly after this he’s alerted to Lobo’s no goodery down at the police station and flies off to take care of it. Lois, at the same time, receives a phone call about the action and notices that Clark is gone already, much to her dismay.
At the police station, Lobo has just armed a bomb when Superman flies up and carelessly rips all the wires out. Good thing that didn’t just set the bomb off, huh, Superman? As oft happens in these situations, the two heavyweights go at it. They throw each other into public property and at police cars and such. An officer asks Superman what the deal with Lobo is and Superman declares “I’ve never seen a creature like this!”
“I’ve never seen a humanoid creature with pale skin and long black hair wearing pants and ripped leather jacket! I’ve never even seen anything like it.”
Lois zips up in a taxi despite the fact that she has her own car. Maybe she’s tired of Superman throwing stuff at/crashing into/totally destroying it. She watches the two of them duke it out some more, and they go flying through LexCorp, laying waste to the building’s delicate infrastructure. Lobo, on his bike once more, fires a rocket which Superman easily dodges, but flies after to stop its impact with a commuter train, again resulting in devastating crash through LexCorp. Lobo notices at this time, Supes weakness: his giant heart.
Supes steers the rocket clear of any innocent bystanders but its explosion weakens him and he crashes to the ground. Lois runs up all like “ooh let me get in the way.” She smacks Lobo with a pipe, ineffectively. Supes tells her to get back but she’s dumb so whatever.
More fighting, more fighting until Lobo hops on his rocket bike and decides to book it into space, but first tells Superman that he’ll be back to totally fuck Earth’s shit up, hahaha.
Superman decides he needs to take his rocket into space after Lobo and fight him there before he can return, which made some sort of crazy sense when he explained. Probably used his super-hypnosis. In space, his rocket is picking up Lobo’s bike’s ion trail, when Lobo jumps him out of nowhere. Supes blasts him off his rocket and then his rocket starts firing lasers and shit too. Did those come standard as he rocketed away from Krypton? The rocket takes a few too many hits though, forcing Superman to eject and go at Lobo the old-fashioned way.
Aboard the Preserver’s ship, we hear a robot tell him that Lobo has lured Superman close enough. A shot fires out and Superman his zapped. A final punch from Lobo knocks him out.
He wakes up with traditional Krypton garb on and looks around.
It…it can’t be! Krypton?
Superman is a room, surrounded by glass. There is a red lamp, sucking him of his super powers and apparently also his power to see more than 8 feet or to notice when he is in a room surrounded by glass.
The Preserver explains that he’s not on Krypton, but “an incredible simulation.”
This looks just like a room might have looked like on Krypton. It’s amazing. There’s a thing to sit on. There’s decorations. Glass walls you can’t escape from. I really feel like I’m living on Krypton when I’m sitting in this room as long as I don’t look out and notice that there’s a bunch of other animals in cages out there. But no seriously, Preserver guy, this is absolutely mind-blowing.
Lobo laughs at Supes and tells the Preserver that if he needs anything else, he knows where to find him. The Preserver says he does need one other thing: the last Czarnian. Which is Lobo. So he gasses Lobo and locks him up too.
HOW WILL THIS ALL BE CONCLUDED?