Ya ever get pizza for supper and then as you’re eating it, you realize that you’ve had pizza for the last 3 days in a row?
Ya ever start picking out a pair of jeans only to realize that you already own those jeans?
Yeah well, uh…
I accidentally did a Parasite episode of Superman without realizing that I did one of those like two Superman reviews ago. So whoops. It’s already watched though and the notes already scribbled out.
One is the loneliest number, and Two’s a Crowd. Not exactly my definition of a crowd but who am I to argue with common sayings.
The episode opens on a bunch of cops outside a quaint little house. Detective Maggie Sawyer is standing outside next to Emil Hamilton who is on the phone. Inside the house a phone rings and a fellow who just screams “asshole” picks up. The man is Earl Garver, an employee of STARLabs who decided “fuck that place.” Hamilton explains that Garver stole an isotope that also happens to be radioactive. As if one even has to specify that a stolen isotope is radioactive. Obviously it is. They always are. Such is life.
Hamilton also explains that the guy could make a bomb out of it, big enough to take out a fairly large chunk of Metropolis, which is where all their stuff is. Maggie and Emil can’t convince the guy to come out with their fierce powers of persuasion, so Dan “Eyebrows” Turpin decides to do things his way. He sends in the giant battering ram tank for what appears to be a wooden door.
But oh ho ho, viewers! This wooden door is only decorative as it is covering the house’s steel reinforcements. The ram gets busted to shit.
Undiscouraged, Turpin charges on instructing the officers to open fire on the building with their guns. Because if a giant battering ram can’t get in, surely bullets will do the trick!
The house is fully loaded though, and a gun pops out that starts firing upon the noble policemen. Turpin takes a decent shot somewhere near him and he gets scraped up pretty good. He hobbles towards Maggie and she tells him to get to a doctor. Dan decides that he’ll just rub some dirt on it or something, who cares? Dan is best known on the show as a crazy, tough sonofabitch.
With huge eyebrows.
Around this time, Superman shows up because traffic was bad up in the sky, what with all the birds migrating and then you get just that one dumb bird who backs everyone else up because they stopped in the middle of the intersection or got in a fender bender and doesn’t know what to do. Maggie doesn’t have time for this shit and tells Superman that Garver doesn’t want words, he wants money! Because you can’t buy a fucking thing with words, believe me, I’ve tried.
Superman bashes in the door that bested the ram, only to find more reinforcements inside. He moves to do some similar bashing and discovers that this wall is also electrified, but the guy can only afford to electrify one which is why the outside one was fine. I mean, he ain’t rich, why do think he’s demanding money? Superman hurls something through that wall and finds himself in what looks like a very pleasant living room.
Like someone waking you up in the wee hours of the morning, a bunch of lights turn on, making Superman go “uuuuuugh, 10 more minutes, christ turn the lights off.” Another gun pops out and starts shooting him but he disposes of it with little effort. He spots Garver upstairs and smashes through the floor to stop him. Upstairs Garver explains that he’s hid the bomb and lined it with lead so Superman couldn’t find it.
How the fuck does he even know Superman has x-ray vision? Did Supes have a profile in a magazine or something listing every single one of his powers?
As he talks, Garver reaches for a button on his desk. He hits it and a giant squisher thing squishes down on Superman. The thing was obviously created just to ward off Supes but it seems like a rather eleborate device for one occasion that may or not ever happen. Better safe than sorry.
Because if it wasn’t just for Superman, what the hell else is this guy doing with a giant squisher thing that’s strong enough to make Superman struggle against it for a while? I mean what the hell is this thing for besides squishing?
What in the fuck?
As absolutely everyone expected, Superman breaks it and cable swings down whapping Garver in the head, knocking him out.
In the hospital, a doctor is explaining that Garver is out cold and will be out cold for long after that bomb is supposed to blow. With time running thin, Hamilton suggests something…drastic. You’re crazy Hamilton! You’re a madman! You’ll be the end of us!
The suggestion? To have Parasite lay his greasy paws on Garver and get the location of the bomb out of his head.
They go to the prison to ask Parasite to do it, but he’ll have none of it. He doesn’t care if he dies because he’s in prison and he doesn’t care if anyone else dies because…well because he’s in prison. Then he thinks of something he wants in exchange for this favor. Something to pass the time in prison. Yes folks, Parasite wants some cable. And he wants the premium channels. And probably the dirty channels. You know, to pass the time.
They agree to his terms because they all love cable too, and Parasite sure deserves that kind of fun.
They wheel him into the hospital on one of those things where you’re standing upright but you’re strapped to the back board thing and you feel like a pile of boxes getting moved around on a dolly. The place him next to the unconscious Garver and Parasite reaches out and lays his hand on him. Immediately this is not cool. There’s some sizzling, and crackling like a short circuit and when Parasite finally pulls away and turns to the trio of crime-fighters. He speaks only it’s Garver’s voice. When Parasite sucked the information out of Garver’s mind, Garver’s overwhelming ego hit Parasite like a truck and took control of his body. Superman tells Garver that he still needs to know where the bomb is and since Garver doesn’t know where he’s at, he could die in the explosion too if he doesn’t cooperate. Inside Parasite’s head, Rudy (Parasite’s real name) convinces Garver to tell them and give up. He hangs his head, and tells them where the bomb is.
Maggie and Superman head towards the bomb which is underwater in an old shipwreck. Superman, for reasons I can’t even begin to contemplate, is wearing a weird dive suit thing.
Like, I’ll let him by on the space suit thing. It’s space. No one knows what space is, it’s a mystery. But a dive suit?
“Oh I don’t like to get the costume wet, tsk tsk.”
In Parasite’s head, the half that’s Garver is trying to convince the Parasite half that they should make a break for it and I’m wondering why the hell Parasite isn’t already back in prison, what with how he’s already sapped stuff out of Garver and then Garver who is a fucking maniac has overwhelmed Parasite’s brain but nah, let’s just leave him to chill in a hospital room with one guard. Parasite considers any escape endeavor completely useless but Garver assures him that with his help, Parasite will be able to keep the powers he takes. The Garver half of the argument wins out and they escape, managing to overpower the one guard and a bunch of doctors and nurses and various hospital employees.
Supes and Maggie are having trouble finding this bomb when it dawns upon Superman that it’s not there, and Garver has sent them on a wild goose chase. They start to leave when the ship starts sinking some more. Dirt and debris start pouring in. There’s also a bunch of wooden crates which are in remarkably good condition, considering they’ve been underwater for a great deal of time. As Superman maneuvers in the water to free Maggie from the crap piling around her, his helmet gets busted making his whole diving get-up all the more useless and arbitrary. He does some pretty slick saving and they fly to the hospital where Superman smashes in a wall only to find Garver and Parasite gone. He’s frustrated, in part because the wall-smashing looks especially dumb if there’s no one to fight after you smash it.
Maggie and Superman are at Police HQ with Dan waiting around by a phone, sure that Garver will call since he still wants his money and stuff. He insists that Superman bring it and come alone. And no one seems to even begin to consider that this might be a trap. Garver instructs Superman to bring the ransom to the old subway station.
Superman gets there and takes a look around, but Garver’s voice over a speaker tells him to not bother with his X-ray vision as there’s lots of lead in the rocks. How do people know every single fucking one of his powers? Did someone run a feature in GQ or something? It’s not like you can see him use his X-ray vision.
He sets the money where the voice instructs him to, and there’s a giant pit and then he tells him where the bomb is and how to disarm it. Suddenly Parasite’s hand flies up from under the dirt and grabs Superman! Because it was trap! WHO. KNEW.
There’s some fighting and some talking and I get distracted because Parasite has a weird mouth.
Garver rearms the bomb and Superman tells Rudy how that bomb is gonna blow and he’ll die, but Garver’s body with his brain is actually some place else so Garver will be fine, but you’re gonna die, and you are totally getting screwed in this deal. Rudy starts trying to fight Garver off, but it ain’t working. Superman in the meantime, can’t disarm the bomb so he chucks it down that pit where it goes off and almost kills everyone.
The actual Garver at this point is waking up in the ambulance he had Parasite stash him in. He goes to the door only to find that he actually half a mile above Metropolis as Superman flies him to jail.
The funny part here is that the Garver that took control of Parasite is gone. It just fades away after a while. This Garver has been unconscious this entire time. Which makes me wonder a couple things: does even he remember any of what just happened? And in court, can they charge him with the stuff he did in Parasite’s body? How does that work? Is the justice system in the DCAU just filled with completely fucked up laws regarding possession/mind control/clones/shapeshifter/etc.?
In prison, Garver is being escorted to his cell when he hears Parasite laughing. And he is laughing a lot. Because he got his cable dammit, and apparently just flipping through the channels is motherfucking hilarious.
One channel…and then another channel?
I can’t even be half that funny.
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