(Hey! Reviews Wed, Thu, and Fri this week! B:TAS today, JL Th/F)
We’re closing in on when we start closing in on the holiday season, which means that people will soon start getting stressed out and other people will get depressed and other people will complain about how this bullshit starts earlier and earlier every year, paying no attention to the fact that people are always stressed out and depressed.
Of course, no one is more stressed out or worried about stuff than rich people. You guys are so lucky you’re not rich and you don’t have to worry about stuff like the big deal that’s supposed to happen Wednesday or your investments or anything. Thank god I’m not rich! I just have to worry about still having electricity and a place to live. But at least I don’t have to get to my meeting right away, you know the board hates to be kept waiting ha ha ha!
The Worry Men starts with Veronica Vreeland returning from her trip to the rainforest where she was roughing it out with only her one outfit a day and she had to carry her own backpack or something, fuck. She’s having a big jungle themed party and everyone is asking her how the trip was. She exclaims that she saw a bug bigger than her trust fund! Ha! Her trust fund! You see, her trust fund is huge! One time I saw a bug bigger than my student loan debt! Isn’t that fucking hilarious, Veronica? Isn’t it?
I wish that bug had eaten you.
As she’s gassing on about, Bruce is talking to a guy named Hayden. Hayden is of course, worried about the crap rich people worry about. Veronica struts up and tells them that she has just the thing. She whips out a couple little doll things and informs us that they’re “worry men.” You tell it your worries and then put it under your pillow and then you sleep better or something and um, if you’re well-rested then you don’t have as many problems, I don’t know. I guess it just makes you better rested. But you have to talk to it first.
She gives one to Bruce and one to Hayden and then decides that everyone should have one, because she bought a whole fucking lot of them.
I mean, jesus christ. I can’t believe a place in the rainforest would have that many of one thing to sell. As she continues to gas on and on, a mostly naked jungle guy comes swooshing in and lands on the rooftop. He peers down through the skylight and Bruce “Always checking the skylights” Wayne notices him. He makes an excuse to run off (“Sorry Veronica, you’re ridiculously boring.”) and changes into Batman, then lands on the roof to confront what is apparently a witch doctor.
Batman grins one of those “Hi, I’m a fucking cock” grins and he and the witch doctor start going at it. Bats has him beaten in every way, when the doc manages to hit him with a ball…thing. With Batman down and distracted, the doc heads for the ledge of the building, when Batman gets a rope around his leg and pulls, causing the guy to land flat on his face in a manner that would hurt your face a great deal in real life.
The witch doctor manages to break the glass of the skylight and sends an axe hurling towards a rope holding up one of Veronica’s large decorations (good thing it’s not bigger than her trust fund! Huh? Ha!). The rope snaps and decoration swings towards the floor. Batman, of course, using one of his many ropes, stops it in time for it go crashing through a wall, barely missing a couple of people. While he was doing all that shit, the witch doctor escaped and Batman picks up the weird ball thing to check it out.
At home he’s talking to Alfred and asks “What’s an ancient Mayan witch doctor doing on a Gotham skyscraper?” First off, ancient? He didn’t look that old. Alfred asks if this is “one of those Riddler questions.” And maybe the answer is just “THIS!” and then you do something. Bruce says it is not, but it’s just as baffling! This is baffling, but all those quarters and the penny that elaborate bullshit, that all made perfect sense.
Alfred was…folding Bruce’s pants or something, and finds the worry man that Veronica had given him. Bruce is all “what the fuck ever, like I ain’t got enough shit.” He explains what it is to Alfred who puts it under Bruce’s pillow anyway, because maybe it’ll help him relax a bit. Like sleeping with something under your pillow is incredibly comfortable. Alfred also puts a bunch of peas under his mattress because Batman is a delicate princess.
The next day at work, Bruce is wearing an excellent hat.
He is cheery as fuck and flings the hat towards a hat rack where it lands perfectly. He struts around, sidesteps the ottoman, and high fives everyone. His secretary has a suitcase and says something about his request being really weird. He tells her not to worry about and carries the case into his office. He opens it up and the thing is filled with cash. He closes it and sets it outside the window.
His secretary comes in all worried still because she doesn’t have a doll or anything, and asks what the deal was with the cash and the case and all that. Bruce though, has no idea what she’s talking about. The case apparently contained 20 million dollars. Bruce is slightly concerned. Do you know how many batarangs that is? As they sit there discussing the case on the windowsill, no one bothers to get it off the windowsill and a jungle guy swoops down to grab it. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.
At home, Bruce is checkin’ the TV and watching another rich guy get arrested for embezzling money but claiming that he doesn’t know where it went. The man’s case sounds all too familiar to our hero. He notes that they were all at Veronica’s party, and so he goes to hassle her about this.
Veronica is on a boat for no immediately apparent reason, and is preparing to throw a suitcase off the back when Batman shows up. He asks what she’s doing and what’s in the case and what does x equal in the following equation and all kinds of other shit that makes her dizzy. As she regains her composure, she explains that she has no damn idea where she is and decides to see what she packed for her trip. She opens the suitcase which is filled with lots and lots and lots of jewels. Jewels are one valuable I never understood the appeal of, aside from being able to sell them and get money to buy something you would rather have like a TV or a car or a pony or six ponies.
As she’s talking, three jungle-y dudes show up in a boat and attack Batman, while trying to get at Veronica’s jewels. She wails on them with her suitcase ineffectively, as Batman does something useful and gets them to all leave with Bat-persuasion.
Veronica pisses and moans about those stupid “worry men” and how she’s gonna throw them all out because she bought like 4 million and only gave away about 20, and she doesn’t know what to do with the rest of the damn things anyway. Batman, ever the brilliant detective, asks Veronica who exactly she bought the pieces of crap from. She explains that it was a guy with a hat and Bats realizes that we’re dealing with the Mad Hatter here.
Hatter we find, has been getting rich people to give him their money to ease their worries. You know the old saying. Mo’ money, mo’ problems. He’s sitting in a hideout with some bags of money and piles of gold coins even though no one ever has gold coins, except like…Scrooge McDuck and who fucking knows where he’s getting them. The jungle guys walk in and one is missing a piece of his cloak. Hatter is all “Fucking shit! Batman’s gonna be here any minute now, you morons!” Which suggests that he knows Batman pretty well. The idea that he could possibly get away still however, suggests that he doesn’t actually know fuck about him.
Batman shows up to the hideout in a costume factory, and Hatter was ready for him. He apparently took a great deal of time to craft look-a-like mannequins of all of Batman’s villians. The Penguin (even less scary as a mannequin) comes rolling in firing as does a Riddler mannequin. The Harley marionette backs Batman against a jack-in-the-box out of which a huge Joker pops. And I mean huge. It’s incredible how often HUGE things occur in cartoons.
Hatter even told a riddle for the Riddler mannequin which was “How is Batman like a donut shop?” The answer being “They’re both full of holes!” (see he was shooting at him). Batman however does not bother responding with “How do you tell a terrible riddle?…LIKE THIS!”
After beating up all the fake guys, the actual jungle guys jump Bats and get a pretty heavy wallop on him, taking him down. They drag him over to Hatter while Bats kinda groans in pain. Hatter takes forever and an eternity to explain that he plans on retiring and buying an island and maybe some women and stuff, but he needs money first so he tricked that airhead Veronica and used his Hatter powers to get her to buy more worry men than a human could ever possibly need even if they were useful, and that the jungle guys are under just local thugs who are under his control too and one of them is actually the witch doctor he brought home to Gotham and now, NOW he is going to take your cowl Batman, ha ha ha!
Of course Batman now has the strength and wits to kick Hatter who then tells the jungle guys to place him under a convenient guillotine. Batman gets a hand free and whips out a sonic device that snaps all of the jungle guys out of it. Confused as fuck, they stop helping Hatter who, in a pissed off rage, drops the guillotine on Bats. Batman, in his standard slick-as-fuckness, catches the blade with his feet.
Good freakin’ god that is smooth.
The jungle men decide to go after Hatter, but the witch doctor who has somehow become the leader even though the other three were just thugs, tells them not to attack him for some reason about like the law and stuff or maybe kharma or something. Hatters pretends to concede before whipping out a gun. He turns to shoot Batman who is obviously by this point, fucking gone.
Hatter nervously looks for him and is distracted by an oncoming Bat-mannequin when OH FUCK THERE’S THE ACTUAL BATMAN FUCK FUCK and then he’s unconscious in a second. A sign falls down that says “Hat Department.”
HAT DEPARTMENT. BRILLIANT.
In the aftermath, Bruce is paying for a plane to fly the witch doctor home and no one asks why Bruce is doing it. The doc has also taken a moment to apparently sneak into Arkham or some shit because there’s a little Batman doll under his pillow.