Monkeys are universally considered to be funny. Like that one that puts his finger in his butt and then smells and then falls off the branch? HILARIOUS. Monkey butt must smell awful! Ha Ha Ha!
You see, monkeys are known for two things: that video, and going in to space so we don’t have to. In Monkey Fun, a monkey gets launched into space. There is however, now butt-finger smelling.
And I’m just gonna be honest with you guys, this is a fun episode all around, but the highlight is easily this dude’s face:
I think we need a better a look at that.
The episode opens in a backyard where two black-haired girls are playing with a monkey, all by themselves. No supervision or anything, just letting the kids play with a monkey. They grabbed a stuffed monkey they call “Beppo” (oh ho ho) and squeeze it so it starts playing “Pop Goes the Weasel.” The girls are Lois and her sister Lucy. Their dad shows up in his snazzy uniform with a couple of scientists in lab coats. See, the girls weren’t just playing with any ol’ monkey, they were playing with a government monkey. And the government is probably lucky the monkey didn’t just decide to run the fuck off because, as you’ll recall, there was no one watching them.
Lois is upset at the monkey’s, Titano’s, eminent travel to space, and her dad tries to assure her that he’ll be ok. Lois suggests sending her sister Lucy into space instead, and Lucy eagerly volunteers. Why? Because space is awesome. The scientists however will have none of this. They are also fucking tired of the 2 minutes it is taking to get a monkey away from two children, so they just barge the fuck over to Titano and drag him away. Fuck those kids, get them a gerbil.
At the launchpad we see the rocket getting ready to blast off into space. It is named the Titan O so Titano is named after the rocket because NASA does not have a lot of time to be naming things.
Inside the rocket, Titano is freaking the fuck out.
A NASA guy is telling Lois not to worry about Titano because of how strong and mighty our nation is and we spent a lot of money on that rocket and that he personally, is hoping nothing goes wrong because it’s his ass if it does.
And thus, no one is surprised when alarms start going off and shit starts going wrong, and the magic camera in space is showing the folks in NASA the rocket splitting apart and the chunk with Titano floating off into space, Titano inside going absolutely crazy.
It’s ok Lois! He…likes space, a lot. He’s gonna be fine, seriously. Here look at this guy:
Cut to 20 years later.
Superman is in space hang out by the space station getting ready to punch some meteors. That’s right, punch meteors. He is in his fancy space suit
They’re heading towards the space station and they don’t really have any other means of getting rid of meteors, even though it seems like the sort of thing they should plan for. Superman probably was their plan.
As the meteor start pouring in, Supes punches one, which bursts open. The chunks of meteor fly out and start glowing blue. They hit other meteors which also burst and turn blue. It’s kinda messed up and Professor Hamilton back on Earth asks Superman what’s going on. Superman informs him that he doesn’t fucking know, something about reactions and chains and stuff. He keeps them from the space station but notices something lodged in one meteor. He grabs it and rips it apart, revealing the tiny chunk of rocket from earlier. Inside, sound asleep, is Titano. Supes tells Hamilton that he’ll be heading back, and he’s bring a surprise!
Guess what the surprise is?
(It’s the monkey!)
Back at STAR Labs, Hamilton is examining Titano who isn’t interested in bananas (perhaps he is like Grodd, who hates bananas despite bananas being delicious). Hamilton says to Clark that Titano is twice the weight he was when they launched him. Right around Lois comes barging in, excited to see her beloved monkey. She asks the monkey if he remembers, saying “It’s me, Lo-Lo!” As if the monkey would remember her once he heard her name.
“Who’s this broad, I don’t know any broads. Oh my god, Lo-Lo?! Look at you! How you’ve grown!”
He is though cheered up by her presence and Hamilton suggests Titano go stay with Lo-Lo. Hahahahaha, now you’re stuck with this monkey, Lois. I wonder what that guy thinks of this.
In Lois’s apartment, Titano is going crazy, flying around the house, throwing shit everywhere and probably throwing actual shit everywhere as well. Jimmy has come over to take some pictures, when Lois decides she should leave him in charge of Titano and trusts him to not go through her panty drawer. Panty drawer strikes me as funny phrase. Shortly after she bolts out the door though, Titano gets kinda glowy blue and practically doubles in size, freaking Jimmy the fuck out.
Back at STAR, Hamilton is looking at something under a microscope. He mentions something about gas pockets in the meteor fragments and tells Superman to take a gander because he might find it interesting. “Yeah those are great, Professor, ya know what else is cool? Flying. See ya later.”
In a different part of the lab, a bunch of little germy things are getting really big, really fast. Superman hears the crash and zooms in, moving at superspeed which is always just kinda cool and makes me go “teehee!” The giant germ things are cornering the various scientists and going “I’m going to make you totally ill. You and your Purell hand sanitizer! You made us what we are!” Superman grabs one and flings it against the wall. He laser eyes another one, and I think punches one of them. They dog pile on top of them, and after flinging them off, Hamilton freezes them by turning a can of compressed air upside down and spraying it at them.
He uses a fire extinguisher.
Hamilton theorizes what must’ve happened to make them grow and he and Supes simultaneously realize that it the same has likely happened to Titano.
This guy doesn’t realize anything.
In Lois’s apartment, Titano has grown to a size that could be described as “unsettling.” Jimmy is doing his best to contain him, but seriously he’s like a 16-year-old runaway dropout or something, I don’t know who would really expect him to perform in this situation. Photography is all he knows!
He calls Lois, as she has far more experience with monkeys. She’s getting a massage because dammit, she’s worth it! Unconcerned for Jimmy’s welfare, she reluctantly leaves to take over monkey-sitting duty. Before she can make it home though, things go dreadfully wrong as Titano bumps Jimmy who, no joke, slips on a banana peel and goes careening off the balcony. As he plummets towards the ground screaming, Superman catches him and flies him back up to Lois’s window.
(Add “Superman catching people” to my list of things that I would like to keep track of how often they happen.)
Right around then Lois comes home to see her apartment completely destroyed and Titano gone. She screams.
At the zoo, a bunch of people are looking at monkeys, including this guy:
One of the kids sees Titano and tries to point him out to his oblivious parents. No one else at this pointed as noticed a two-story tall monkey wandering around, being very careful not to cause any impact tremors. The zoo patrons go screaming away and Titano reaches down to free his monkey brethren from their tiny prison. The monkeys run amok in the zoo, and storm the zoo’s fancy security office, which apparently did not have a door that would lock, despite being, as I stated, “very fancy.”
The monkeys leap about and push a button, opening the door to the lions’ cage. That’s the smartest way to design a zoo. There’s one button in a room across the park that lets the lions out. The engineers behind this must’ve been crazy 14-year-olds or something.
“Ya know what would be awesome?”
“If we just had a button, right here that would open the lion cages.”
The lions, naturally, have not been feed for days because you have to push the button and then run over to the cage and try to put the food in there and then run back and hit the button again and it’s such an ordeal that the zookeeper just said “fuck it.”
The lions were waiting right by the door, as if preparing to enter a gladiator arena. The lions burst out and immediately set their sights on a pile of delicious children. As the slowly approach, Superman flies over and frees a tree from its cage
So that he can place it over the lions instead.
Titano, in the meantime has run off again, because it’s hard to keep track of a monkey that is now somewhere around 4 stories tall. Supes flies away to look for him, as a kid and a monkey both wave.
Titano has made his way to the docks, which has a convenient shipment of bananas there. He grabs a pile of them and starts munching away when Bibbo decides to take things into his own hands. He climbs a bunch of barrels and crates and crap and yells at Titano, swatting him on his giant monkey nose.
Titano pauses a moment before heaving Bibbo out to see, where he lands on a garbage barge and dies of massive internal bleeding (they don’t show that part.)
On the docks, the cops have showed up with tranq guns. Maggie isn’t really sure this is gonna work, but Turpin is determined as ever, and insists that these things will knock that monkey the fuck out. They fire at him, and the few darts that spurt out, have absolutely no affect on Titano, much to Turpin’s surprise. Though, I don’t why, it seemed those darts barely had the girth to pierce Titano’s skin.
Superman shows up and sets to work on Titano, though it’s not really going all that well. Superman seems to just be pulling on Titano’s fingers, for the most part. As Jimmy and Lois show up, Titano flings Superman at Lois’s radass car, just as they climb out of it. Superman turns to Lois and says “I’m sorry-” which I expected to be followed by “about your car.” But was instead the precursor to him explaining that he’s got to stop Titano.
“I’m sorry, Lois. But I have to keep doing the same thing I’ve been trying to do for the past 20 minutes.”
Lois insists he not hurt Titano, as he’s “just a baby” though he didn’t even seem to be a baby when he was normal sized. Just then Lois’s phone rings. It’s her father driving wildly through town, talking on his cell phone, and telling Lois that he has something that might help. And it’s not this:
Titano has made his way to the carnival, which is my absolute favorite place for fights to end up. You get all kinds of shit that can only happen at an amusement park. Titano bumps a balloon ride and a lady falls out that Supes catches. He hits Superman with a roller coaster. He throws bumper cars at him while Supes punches them down, before getting flung against a Test Your Strength game. Around this time, Lois and her dad show up and Superman tells Lois to get the hell out of there, fuck, every fucking time and then I just have to fucking save you again go to your home, woman!
Lois has the little monkey toy the used to play with with Titano as kids. She tries to get Titano’s attention, but he’s kinda of huge and a guy in a cape punching him has him a little distracted. He throws Superman into a House of Mirrors, which thankfully is one of the few things at the carnival that doesn’t still have 40 some people on/in it. Unlike the ferris wheel, which still has passengers and they aren’t even bothering to stop they’re just going round and round.
Titano goes to step on Superman but Supes pushes back on his foot and Titano crashes into a game with lots of stuffed monkeys for prizes.
I think you see where this is going.
No, not there.
The monkeys have spilled out onto Jimmy and Lois, with the toy monkey Beppo getting lost in the pile. FUCK.
Titano walks over the ferris wheel with the people still nonchalantly riding it, assuming this day would never come. Oh how they shall suffer for their hubris! Titano lifts the entire ferris wheel off of its ferris wheel holder and Superman tries desperately to keep him from setting down and spinning it like a quarter.
Lois and Jimmy dig through the pile of monkeys, squeezing them to find the one that plays music, while I scream “THE HAT. LOIS. YOUR MONKEY HAS A HAT. LOOK FOR THE STUFFED MONKEY WITH THE FUCKING HAT.”
Jimmy is easily discouraged but Lois pushes him on like a football coach at half-time. “Shut up and keep squeezing the monkeys!” she yells.
Boy, if I had a nickel…
Anyway. As Titano shakes the ferris wheel, Lois has found Beppo (he was the one with the hat! duh!) and runs to the amusement park PA system. She gives it a squeeze and the music immediately calms Titano, as the police helicopters come in with some gas to make him go sleepy bye.
Titano moves to a desert island, which Superman seems to do with his foes more often than you would imagine (because really, you wouldn’t imagine it at all). STAR Labs stopped his growth spurts and they put Beppo on a necklace for him. The necklace being a giant chain, which I sure hope is a breakaway safety chain, so he doesn’t accidentally hang himself.
Like when he falls out of a tree smelling his finger.