Hearts and Minds pt 2

I know it’s hard to wait a whole day to learn how things end, but I’ve heard rumors that things can always be made better through a technique called “crying about.” I tried this one time when I dislocated my shoulder, but it didn’t seem to do any good. I don’t know, maybe I was doing it wrong.

We left off with John joining a resistance on Kalinor to fight Despero while making out with Katma Tui, while Hawkgirl, J’onn, Flash, and Kilowog get K’s ring recharged so they can head to Kalinor to help.

On Kalinor GL is discussing their options regarding that asshole Despero. He suggests getting the rest of the Green Lanterns to come help, because I guess they all have nothing better to do. Unfortunately communications with Oa from Kalinor are blocked. GL says to hold on because he’ll be right back with the cavalry, though maybe he should just fly out far enough to just call them and then come back and help some more.

Me and my stupid logic!

Just then, a bunch of Despero’s soldiers bust in and start firing on the rebels. Katma immediately flies into action but as John goes to help her, he finds that his ring will only sputter out tiny green sparks. Katma asks him what the hell is wrong and GL responds that this never happens to him, swear to god, it’s not you though, you’re totally hot just, just gimme a minute.

John grabs a gun instead and starts firing at the soldiers with that. Katma orders the rebels to drop back and regroup at the second site. She collapses some ceiling between them and the soldiers and busts through the open hole into the street above. They turn to run down the street as a tank rolls up and blocks one end. They turn the other way but a tank blocks that side as well. Unable to think in three dimensions, or remember that with a magic ring you can make bubbles to carry people in, they set out to make their last stand here.

However the Just in Time League shows up to help them out of this pickle. I love watching J’onn beat people up. I would adore a video compilation of just shots of him beating people up. Every single shot of him kicking someone’s ass. Oh lord, I’m so happy just thinking about it.

Someone, I think it was Hawkgirl, asks GL if he’s ok and he gestures with his gun in a manner that says “I HAVE A GUN.” She asks why he has a gun and he responds “I’ll explain later” which took approximately as long to say as “My ring isn’t working.”

Flash hits on Katma, and they all leave before more soldiers can show up.

In the new hideout, J’onn is looking at some weird writing on the wall and explains to one of the older rebels (Shifflet) what it maybe sort of says. It’s really great writing too. It’s like “crap crap crap FIRE TREE crap crap crap FIRE TREE crap crap crap.”

Obviously, there is a message here about preventing forest fires. A younger rebel (Radocko), who helped John out of the Pytar with Shifflet, runs up with his mustache flying, calling the writings dumb and stupid and really dumb and he hates writing and he hates reading and education and Smokey the Bear. Shiflett tells him to chill the fuck out, while he and J’onn think about stuff.

In another part of the hideout, Katma is trying to figure out what happened to John’s ring. Restart it? Did I accidentally turn it off? You go flip the breaker. Maybe it’s the bulb. I don’t know. Katma says that the problem is John, who is all “fuck, Despero did something to me.” Katma explains that the solution here is to train him again, which John is kind of opposed to. She says the problem with the Corps is too much using their rings like jackhammers or something, which is total bullshit, I’ve never once seen John make a jackhammer. He was only trained in bubbles, everyone knows that. She says uh…bullshit that I think was supposed to be deep and John says she sounds like Yoda. Maybe he has Return of the Jedi tucked in next to Ol’ Yeller. (Return of the Jedi is the second best movie that starts with “Return of the J”)

Around this time Flash comes strutting by. There’s an exchange that involves the word “impotence” and they’re all uncomfortable and Flash says that he was just…uh, going over there. Based on the direction he entered from, it seemed that he actually was just going over there.

In Despero’s hall thing, the soldier who had been trying to capture the rebels apologizes for not catching anything. Not even a cold! Ha! A cold! A-hem. Despero sends him off to die, because he is an asshole.

As they work on retraining John, which…I guess they got his ring kinda working again? He’s making some shapes like a little GL 4th grader.

Unfortunately they all turn into bubbles and explode. She says to take it from the top, like he was working on a dance routine. She yells at him and he says he needs a break and there’s more yelling and she stomps off and he stomps off and doors would slam but I think the closest thing to doors there are big slabs of stone.

Hawkgirl’s been watching a great deal of this talks to GL about change and such. Like maybe he should change out of his skin tight outfit into something more comfortable, like her bed.

J’onn and Flash are hanging out with Shifflet, doing planning and stuff. Kilowog walks up with some sort of weird food ball thing and Flash asks if he can have some. Kilowog hooks him up, but it’s not exactly tasty stuff.

J’onn’s brain meanwhile has been churning along like a rocket tied to train tied to another rocket. He realizes the way to stop Despero and his crazy eye-blasting power would be to trash up that flame something fierce. No one in the rebellion has that sort of spit capacity, but Kilowog knows how to make a carbon-bomb to destroy the flame, which is probably a far better idea than spitting anyway.

In the meantime Despero’s troops have been spreading out, taking over other worlds one after another. He’s hanging out in his flame room talking to his flame which is weird and creepy though we’re talking about a despot with three eyes here so, par for the course I guess. As he’s there, Radocko with his stupid mustache comes in and goes all traitor on the rebellion. I knew we shouldn’t have trusted someone with such a stupid mustache! He explains that he only wants to be on the winning side and then Despero laughs really, really hard and you wonder if there’s a joke here that you’re just not getting because obviously something is incredibly funny.

In the hideout, the rebels are preparing for a fight while Shifflet explains how to get to the flame room to drop the carbon bomb in. GL is loading himself up with lots of ammo. Katma and Hawkgirl have a bit of a scuffle and GL thinks to himself “oh this is so hot.”

As they’re all getting ready, the soldiers suddenly bust in and the rebels start firing away. Katma blocks off J’onn, Flash, and Kilowog from the fight so that they can get the carbon bomb to the flame. Flash is upset at the not being able to help his pal in the fight, but Kilowog and J’onn assure him that it will take three people to throw a bomb into a pit.

GL’s fight doesn’t go so hot, and he, Katma, and Hawkgirl all get captured. Despero has them locked up in an elaborate “lock people up” thing that I’m betting he doesn’t get to use nearly as often as he would like.

It has three beams of purple light whose primary purpose is to make stuff look purple. He talks about stuff some more and then decides that he’s going to make them all members of his army, and starts blasting away at Kat with his eye.

We cut away briefly because you don’t want to see how that goes. You’d rather see Flash in a pipe that seems to contain waste.

Back with Despero, Katma’s got the glowy eye thing going on and so Despero turns to Hawkgirl instead. He looks her over and says “these wings are fucking hot. Screw putting her in the army. She’s gonna stay around and do dirty stuff to me. Ha ha ha.” As he starts blasting at her, we get some truly excellent screaming. John is unbelievably upset by this and starts trying to get his ring which is sitting on a nearby table because for once it occurred to someone to take it off before you lock them up. Naturally, they would get this idea the one time his ring isn’t working.

This is all just trivial anyway, as GL manages to get his ring back and start kicking Despero’s ass. He also takes a moment to fix his clothes so the animators don’t have to worry about wear the rips in his clothes are anymore.

Flash, Kilowog, and J’onn meanwhile have reached the flame and as they prepare to chuck the bomb in, J’onn yells at them to stop.

GL and Despero are fighting, Despero tries to knock some rocks onto the ladies and GL stops him, because duh.

J’onn says the Pytar is alive and that he can almost connect with its mind or whatever.

GL pummels Despero with a bunch of rocks and punches him right in the third eye, leaving an awesome ring mark there.

At least his eye was closed. Hell, he’s probably lucky he still has that eye. Not that he really needs, he’s got three of ’em.


J’onn reaches towards the flame and then says “fuck it” and in the most definitive and blatant denial of his comic book weakness to fire, he dives the fuck into it. Flash, naturally, is a bit concerned because his bestest Martian buddy has just leapt into a giant flame. After a moment though, J’onn comes rising out all purple and burn-y and talking in a cool half-his, half-fire voice. It’s really cool. Really cool.

The uh..the Pytar I guess, explains that Despero is an asshole and I’m not even sure why I didn’t kill him, I let him use his eye to use me to hurt people instead which in retrospect was a terrible idea, especially since I’m a fucking giant fire. Man. Anyway, if ya’ll decide to like me instead of him, I will make stuff totally kickass.

Everyone naturally agrees to this proposition.

At this, the Pytar turns into a giant tree that starts expanding out everywhere and busting through walls and ceilings and shit. A root busts through the ground and wraps around Despero before violently pulling him back down. In space, all the troops he had sent out start turning into trees.

Seems kinda mean to turn them all into trees, but whatever.

They go hurtling towards the plants the troops were set to invade. I would assume they would mostly burn up in the various atmospheres, but imagine for a second that they don’t. How fucking terrifying would hundreds of trees falling from the sky be?

After the tree chills out with the covering the entire planet, the leaguers regroup and get ready to leave. Katma tries to get John to stay because I guess now that his ring works again, it makes him all hot. He declines and bubbles up the rest of the leaguers. As they take off, Flash says goodbye to Kilowog and you’re kinda sad they don’t just make Flash & Kilowog’s Awesome Funnytime Super Show because it would be awesome. GL and Hawkgirl say a couple things to each other as Flash takes a nap, because fuck, it’s a long drive home.

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