You Scratch My Back

It is October the first! Did you fuckers see that shit in September and how I never missed a single fucking day? How about that? I was actually worried that today would be the first day I fucked up and had to say “sorry guys” but I’m sitting here and I’m gonna churn this fucker out for you.

I still have to apologize for one thing though. See, Ben my husband, is the guy who takes all the screenshots for me, because the DVD player on my computer is…I don’t know stupid or something and I can’t seem to fix it. Unfortunately, he managed to pretty much break his computer for a week. As a result, I’m going to have to make due today with whatever shots I can get from the internet.

This uh…this is gonna be tough.

I’m gonna try to make it through today, and hopefully since Wednesday is just gonna be a spotlight entry I can get through that too. Friday might be a complete mess. Just wait and see. See the mess I shall create!

We haven’t done any TNBA for a while so today we’re gonna take a look at You Scratch My Back. When I first got that volume of DVDs I watched this episode several times because it has one of my favorite moments in it.

The episode opens with Nightwing and his mullet hanging out at some dockyards watching some dudes do what must be some shady business because in the DCAU that’s actually the only thing that goes on at dockyards. They could have police just go down and arrest every single person there with the assurance that they in fact were all criminals. As he and his mullet are ready to take action, Batman and Batgirl show up to see how things are, catch up a little, go get some coffee, you know…just hang out. Nightwing and his mullet are a little annoyed because he insists that he can kickass on his own just fine.

He sees the shady business get just shady enough to warrant some action on his part, and he swoops down towards the hooligans with these weird little wing things on his suit. Perhaps an inspiration later for Bruce to add little wing things to the Batman suit, perhaps Nightwing and his mullet trying to look even sillier than they already do.

He lands and goes to town on the dudes, sticking one to a large crate with a couple of Nightwingarangs. He takes care of the group all right, but misses one sneaking off, whom Batgirl promptly smacks. Nightwing and his mullet are totally pissed. They don’t need help from a girl.

Another guy, who’s eyes seem to indicate a lack of sleep or possibly gene splicing with a raccoon, has escaped Nightwing and his mullet. And holy god here comes my favorite part. Go watch this episode if you haven’t in a while. Go watch it right now just for this part.

Raccoon Face runs around a corner and Batman is there. Not towering above the thug or glaring at him or anything though. He leaning. Nonchalantly. Against the stack of crates. The thug nearly fucking dies of a goddamn heart attack. Batman however, isn’t even looking at him. He’s just staring straight ahead. The guy has no fucking idea what is going on. He seems unsure as to what to do, does Batman even see him, why fuck am I not dead yet, is this his idea of a sick joke what the hell what the hell whatthehell fuckfuckfuck. He manages to get himself together enough to continue running, when Nightwing, who has apparently been lightly jogging his way after the thug, comes around the corner as well. He paused to chat with Batman who still chilling out like he’s on his coffee break.

Nightwing and his mullet continue their chase when the guy is thrown from around a corner all tied up and his mouth taped shut. Catwoman walks out and Nightwing and his mullet are outraged at her tying that guy up for fuck’s sake HE WAS GOING TO DO IT. She suggests some stuff about teaming up that is not laced with innuendo at all, and as she scampers off the thug tries to talk through the tape. Nightwing and his mullet acknowledge his mutterings, as if Nightwing had taken classes in “Talking through Tape to English” translation. Probably part of standard regimen at Wayne Manor.

At Nightwing’s place, or The Wing Lair, he and his mullet are getting ready to go see about doing some stuff with their new lady friend Catwoman, paying no attention to the foxy redhead right in fucking front of them. He takes his uniform off of the….whatever was holding it up. It seemed to momentarily be just a cardboard stand up of a uniform. Going a little heavy on the starch there, Nightwing?

He takes off on his motorcycle, leaving Babs totally hanging. He meets up with Catwoman on some roof, where he’d found the leader of the whole shady dockyard hangouts. The guy’s name is Ricky the Hook. Because he has a hook. And the creativity of a retarded camel.

Ricky The Hook.

He apparently also goes by the name “El Gancho.” I don’t know any Spanish but I swear to god if I look that up and it means “The Hook” I will probably roll my eyes or do something else completely non-threatening. Not that it matters, as we’re all well aware, I’m too fucking lazy to look things up.

Ricky Gancho seems to also have a nice scar down his face, which is likely a result of the hook. Something in his eye one day, goes to scratch it. Slices his face right open. “FUCK I FORGOT I HAD THIS FUCKING HOOK.”

Man, if I were missing half of one arm, I would totally have an attachment that was like a snuggly pillow.

Catwoman, noticing that currently there are not people in their immediate view, decides now would be the best time to dive onto the rooftop and into Ricky’s humble abode. Nightwing asks Catwoman to give him some warning next time, which marks the first time I’ve ever heard a dude say that to a chick.

Inside the apartment, Nightwing and his mullet are hacking away at the computer. Like most computers in cartoons, the keyboard consists of about 12 keys. They should really just have a one key and a zero key and everyone speaks binary. Catwoman has his back for all of two minutes when a couple guys who were up to good starting making trouble in–augh fuck. That almost went terribly wrong.

They starting beating Nightwing up. Catwoman has fucking vanished and he’s a little upset despite his insistence earlier that he didn’t need any help ever. Before he gets ass creamed though, Catwoman returns to help him. But oh fuck, it’s Captain Hook. He starts waving his hook around like it’s a fucking sparkler on the Fourth of the July. Like a genius, he manages to get it stuck in a desk. Fucking brilliant.

Catwoman, Nightwing, and his mullet make their way to a gym where the goons fire their guns at them as they dive into the pool, and the mullet reminds itself to use some conditioner later. They hide under the diving board before getting out of the pool and hilariously disposing of the hoodlums with a medicine ball to the head, and other things that would probably kill or nearly kill a normal human being. They manage to escape, but not before Nightwing notices Batman and Batgirl watching him, since I guess it’s a slow a night and they have to be observing the mullet in its natural habitat.

Later that same evening? or the next evening? It’s sometimes hard to tell which evening it is or if it even is the evening or if it’s actually noon or what. Catwoman is at her apartment with all of her cats when Batman shows up through her open balcony door. He’s a little pissed at her bullshit with Nightwing. She refers to “the Wing” as a Man Wonder which is just a wee bit unsettling to hear, but thankfully Nightwing shows up then too through the open balcony door. Catwoman complains about them never using the front door, but seriously I think a lot of people in Gotham seem to have balcony doors they never bother to latch.

Batman zips away angrily, though who could tell, and Nightwing looks through some shipping schedules. There’s a bunch of ships and some clue as to which boat they want and also the SS Minnow, thusly establishing Gilligan’s Island as a part of the DCAU, and I will begin reviewing those episodes sometime next week. Around this same time, Nightwing and his mullet notice a Bat tracer thing and they stick it on Isis to distract Batman and Batgirl. She takes off, but I’m sure Ace is on that case like nobody’s business.

Batgirl doesn’t seem to be paying much attention though, distracted by her Tiger handheld gaming system. I had a football one, it was so fucking awesome. Aww yeah.

We again head down to the shipyard because oh big surprise some shady activity is about to go down there! Nightwing and Catwoman fight their way through some thugs and find the stolen goods: a bunch of artifacts that Ricky was stealing and smuggling and then selling. Catwoman smashes a few and pulls out a nice shiny jewel that she refers to as the Cat’s Eye Emerald. You suppose she calls it catsup instead of ketchup? I’d totally put money on it.

Anyway, she totally doublecrossed Nightwing and his mullet into helping her get this gem and they’re a little upset, but she still suggests running away, just the three of them, and lays a fat kiss on Nightwing. Like every other person in the Bat-business, he appears uncomfortable with signs of affection. He pushes her away and they start to fight instead.

Around this time, Batman and Batgirl show, and the Bat-Fam reveals that oh ho ho they fucking totally set Catwoman up! Ha! Fucking take that! Goddamn, fucking smooth.

God it’s getting about time to wrap this up.

Some thugs show up as is their wont, and Batman starts working ’em over like a bunch of chumps. Nightwing and his mullet take off after Catwoman leaving Batman to take out Ricky. Ricky manages to get a slice in on Batman with his hook making everyone at home “did they just show blood, for reallies?” since they never ever show blood. As Bats gives him a few punches and Ricky returns the favor, we get the classic “haha, I’m the villian and I’m totally gonna beat Batman, it’s me! I’m the best!” But Batman conjurs up the energy to give Ricky one last hit, causing his hook to catch on a chain and then it pulls his whole hook half-arm off and then holy fuck, and huge pile of crates on a platform smashes down on him, and some-fucking-how does not completely obliterate him.

Catwoman is making good her escape on a boat despite what I’ve always heard about cats and water, and it usually seems incredibly important to Batman villians that they stay in character. Nightwing and his mullet are in hot pursuit and whaddya know? They manage to catch her.

Everything works out quite nicely, including flawless end credits, and I’ve still managed to not miss a day! Send me a motherfucking prize.

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