Where There’s Smoke

Well, Ben’s computer is working again. Unfortunately, he had also just installed Windows XP and Half-Life 2 Episode 1 and I won’t be sucking screenshots out of him until later this week, I think. Plus I already had this backup plan ready to go, so why the fuck not? It’ll be another ridiculous entry. Maybe even stupid, if we’re lucky.

There’s a saying, “where there’s smoke, there’s fire,” which is obviously where the title of this episode comes from. I say I’m not fan of fire, but that isn’t really accurate. I like fire as a concept and I like campfires and wheels of fire and balls of fire. Those are just great. I don’t like the idea of my stuff on fire.

I also don’t like the idea of me on fire. Unless of course, I had awesome pyrokinetic powers. Unless I was terrible at controlling them and would end up burning all my stuff. Really, I can’t think of what I would do with fire powers besides look really awesome when someone needed a cigarette lit.

At the start of the episode, there’s a bunch of snooty people trying to get into a party at the yacht club. A burly bouncer is keeping them all back. One guy slips the bouncer a hundred dollar bill with their tickets, and the bouncer takes the money and laughs at the guy. I think with as rich as most of these people probably are, I would laugh at 100 dollars too. You want to get in so bad, you gonna take me shopping for a new TV.

Speaking of new TVs, anyone want to buy me a new TV?


The thing that I find rather hilarious is the impression that the people clamoring to get in, do actually have tickets. These people are so rich, they are buying tickets that won’t even get them into anything. The foxy redhead that approaches, however, doesn’t even have a ticket. She does have legs though, and I get the feeling that she also knows how to use them.

Inside the boat, Clark and Jimmy are working hard on another boring type assignment you wouldn’t expect one of the best reporters in town to be handling. They spot the sexy mama and Jimmy snaps a few pictures of her for his “private collection” as he puts it. As we all know, that means “spank file.” Volcana wanders up and says something to Jimmy like, “I wanna have your ginger babies,” before wandering back off again.

She heads towards a door, which she melts the knob off of, and Jimmy pops open his camera revealing that the film inside has been turned to ashes. Volcana pops open a ceiling vent and decides to try turning everything else to ashes. The yacht club starts on fire and as Clark and Jimmy head through the smoke, Clark decides to accidentally get seperated from him and grabs a change of clothes.

He flies back in as Superman and starts saving people rather slowly and not bothering to put out the fire with some sort of, I don’t know, freeze breath he might have. Instead, after getting everyone out, he decides to take a giant boat propellor and spin it into the water, shooting it into the yacht club and extinguishing the flames. Wow.

That night, Clark goes back to the scene of the crime to find a bunch of POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS tape. He crosses it anyway, and a guy tells him to get away from the yacht club, and that he’s on a “clean up” crew. Clark gets all smarty smart on him, saying that there’s no chemicals to clean up because the yacht club is wind power only. Oh ho ho, Mister Clean, how ’bout that? He asks Clark to leave again, and he does, but not without making an angry face that he has already made like twice this episode.

As he leaves, a bearded man who has so much beard and hair it can only be a beard/hair disguise, is following Clark. Probably because Clark is asking too many questions like “what are you doing?” and “what do you think you’re doing?” and the classic “do you mind telling me what you think you’re doing?” He turns down an alley and flies up the roof before Beardums can corner him. Beardo pops into a telephone booth and pulls a similar disappearing act, like he’s Maxwell fucking Smart or something.

I just had to pause in the middle of this review to go see how much that complete set of Get Smart DVDs is. Answer? 200 dollars.

He goes through what I imagine is a series of 40-some doors and takes off his terrible disguise. Supes uses this time to watch him with his X-ray vision, and notices that the hidden lair is under some federal building or something and is upset at the use of his tax dollars, and all I can think is that scene from Doomsday where he tells Bats he would never fight the government.

What if they’re ludicrously spending your hard earned reporter money, Superman? What about then?

In another part of town, Volcana is on the phone trying to fence the nautical goods she stole from the yacht party, but the dude ain’t real interested in “boat stuff,” as he puts it. She blows on some whistle and says that it’s touched the president’s lips. Which, great, now you got your spit all over it. The guy says “what hasn’t?” implying that the president is a huge man whore, and that he also puts his lips on lots of things that may or may not even be people. She gets an idea for a caper and tells the guy to meet her at the usual place. They both hang up without saying goodbye as is the case in any TV show.

As the guy hangs up though, a creepy guy with an eyepatch leans in and threatens him, asking to know where he’s supposed to meet Volcana.

Clark has decided to do a little investigating and tells a tiny, pudgy scientist man that he wants to do a story on his School for Gifted Youngsters. Er…Facility for Kids with Telekinesis and Maybe Even Other Stuff? Pudge leads Clark around, showing off kids who seem to mostly just have mental powers. Clark asks about funding and Pudge gets a little nervous, though explains that yeah, he gets some money from the government.

Clark ponders burning the whole damn place to the ground for stealing his tax dollars RARARARARAAARARRGH!

Instead he asks if any pyrokinetics have passed through the joint recently, and Pudge makes an excuse to shove Clark out the door. While trying to escape the uncomfortable conversation that’s come up with Clark, a couple of goons show up and take Pudge to their car. There’s a commotion as the tires explode and Pudge manages to make a break for it. He finds Clark and decides that maybe that conversation wasn’t so bad, and Clark is rather dreamy, and sure he’ll come back to his apartment with him. He also explains using his magic brain powers to blow the tires up himself. He makes a joke about “also being a client” which is funny from a bald man, and a joke that no one will get in probably another 10 years.

Back at Clark’s place, we find that apparently every room in Metropolis just comes standard equipped with root beer float supplies. Pudge is telling him about the government taking one of his students, renaming her Volcana and turning her into their happy little worker bee who can control fire. He also amuses himself by calling the float “paranormally good” which, as far as jokes go, is paranormally bad.

During a routine scan of the entire city with his X-ray vision, Clark notices Volcana about to do some stealing. He makes an excuse to leave, the excuse being an “errand” which I guess is semi-accurate. Volcana is looking to steal some document and burns through the glass to get to it, and magically manages to not also burn the document.

Supes tries to help her since he is so sick of the stupid government and their careless spending! The people deserve better! He deserves better!

Volcana manages to escape and heads off to fence the ring she stole instead of the document. She arrives to find eye-patch guy (who is apparently named Kurt) and a bunch of goons. They’ve got nice backpacks and Kurt explains that they spent two years inventing them just to take her down. She powers up some flames and they fire at her! They seem to have spent two years and millions of dollars inventing fire extinguishers!

The next day, Jimmy is hot on the gossip trail, telling Lois all about some rumours he heard about a hotel room covered in fire retardent materials, despite there not being a fire. Lois says one of my favorite lines in all of Superman: “Now there’s a headline, ‘No Fire in Hotel Room.'”

It would look something like this:

Clark overhears this and sets out to get Volcana away from those jackasses. He swaps out his suit for his suit and heads over to where they’re keeping her. A guy with a fancy gun is explaining how fancy his gun is. As he’s talking and talking and talking, Supes cuts him off by zipping over and just smashing the gun. It’s one of those moments that makes me go “I fucking love Supes.”

In their secret underground lair, Volcana is locked in a bubble with a breathing mask on. Kurt the Patch is talking about selling her or something when Supes busts in. He tells Kurt McEyehurt that he knows everything. In his expansive examination of the federal budget, he found that there is no funding for this bullshit. That it’s simply a hobby these fuckheads apparently have. Their other hobby at this point is getting their asses handed to them.

A chunk of Volcana’s bubble burts open and she flames up which gets fire just everywhere really really fast. She helps Supes a bit and then decides she wants to get back to criming some more so she lights his boots on fire.

As she goes to give him another blast, there’s a bunch of liquid hydrogen chilling out in the building which blows up something fierce.

The episode ends with Volcana living on a desert island in the middle of the ocean getting food from Supes every now and then.

She macks on him and he grins a bit but flies away, unappealed by the idea of his genitals near a woman who can start herself on fire.

Wednesday! The return of real pictures! I know how sad you guys will be!

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