I’ve Got Batman in my Basement

As everyone is aware, I love Static Shock. And I’m going to do a Static episode again soon because I want to and I got a lot more episodes now through umm…magic. I’m not doing one today, but I bring it up for a different reason. Static gets a lot of shit for sometimes being a rather ridiculous show. And while some hate it for that, I love it for that. The greater point I’m getting at here though, is that we often forget how fucking ridiculous some of the episodes of every other series could be. Take for example, every single B:TAS episode that involved the Penguin.

It’s a theme that crops up all over the place. JLU had Kids’ Stuff with the Leaguers as children? Superman had Monkey Fun with a giant monkey that used to be Lois’s? Batman Beyond had Terry’s friend dating a robot. And Batman has I’ve Got Batman in my Basement.

After all that? I assure you, I am ready for Shaquille O’Neal to be doing some guest starring. Not just ready. I embrace it.

I’ve Got Batman in my Basement opens on a couple of guys going up one of those window cleaner pulley whatever things in the middle of night. It’s cool though, they got workmen outfits on, so no one will wonder what they’re doing because they are obviously cleaning windows late at night. They pull themselves up to a window where they cut a triangle in the glass and reach a claw in to a steal a fucking Faberge egg.

A Faberge fucking egg.

You see how ridiculous this already is.

This one guy’s got huge lips, which I guess will make all of you fuckers think he’s a black dude, right? If you don’t know what I’m talking about here, just move it along.

He’s also got the egg in a fanny pack, which is totally hip. As you would imagine, Batman shows up to put a stop to this most heinous of crimes. He goes to make his move but is attacked from above by a huge vulture. The vulture claws at him and Batman fights with it. I have to be honest, heroes fighting animals just always kinda makes me chuckle. Especially birds. Fighting birds is hilarious. If I could start a cock fighting ring where the birds fought like babies or something instead of other birds, holy god I would do that. Batman kicks the bird off the roof and the bird thinks fuck this shit and flies off. In the meantime, the crooks have escaped. Batman notices some bird seed on the roof and rubs it between his fingers to ensure its authenticity.

Elsewhere in Gotham, it is actually sunny somehow. For once in this show I can tell for absolutely sure what time of day it is. A couple kids are sitting on a porch checking out their new junior detective kit they got with god only knows how many cereal UPCs.

A couple of bullies show up and are giving the kids some crap as bullies are wont to do. Somewhere in this retarded exchange of child quippery, one of them tells another not to “pitch a fit” which is a phrase I am now going to use a lot and I recommend it to you highly. The Sassy Lassy known as Roberta is being oh so sassy and tells the bully to bugger off and whatnot. Sherman at this point spots the vulture and realizing that it’s obviously not native to Gotham, gets all pokey and curious.

He’s all “C’mon Roberta!”
She asks what the hell they’re gonna do.
And Sherman says some bullshit about that bird being a mystery they need to investigate instead of the more obvious and better answer of “We’re gonna go check out that fuckin’ bird!”

They follow it to an abandoned warehouse that says something like “condemned” but they go in anyway, because kids don’t know what big words mean because kids are stupid and I hate them.

In the warehouse, the two crooks are hanging out, shootin’ the shit and complaining about other shit and “the boss” and what have you. One says that he’s nervous and the other informs him to “cop a squat and dummy up.”

Cop a squat.

and dummy up.

What in the fucking hell.

At any rate, the “boss” shows up and surprise, surprise, it’s the Penguin. That’s why they were stealing a fucking egg. Fucking christ, Penguin, it’s just one thing after another with you. Birds and eggs and bird seed and arrrarargh. Then he makes a crack about “scrambling” to get the egg and fuck stop it no fuck.

Sherman, ever the informed youngin’ recognizes the egg as the one that was stolen and decides that he needs to run off and tell the cops. Suddenly Batman bursts onto the scene.

There’s some tussling and for some fucking reason, Sherman is dumping out bird seed.

I don’t even fucking know why.

He goes after Penguin and his thugs, but those stupid fucking kids manage to get in the way. They fall onto a conveyor belt that they also accidentally turn on. Like every conveyor belt in the world, it is moving towards CERTAIN DOOM

so Batman has to go save their asses. He grabs them and tells them to get the fuck out of there what the fuck quit wasting my time.

As he’s distracted by their retardness, Penguin jabs him with his umbrella and gasses him. He hits a button to call his car and staggers out to it. It pulls up and the roof slides open but he lacks the strength to climb in, and collapses. The kids come running up and somehow manage to lift Batman’s massive frame into the car. At some point, they also stole that egg from Penguin. Sherman starts mashing buttons and we get a feel for just how much fucking shit is on the damn Batmobile. Rockets, more rockets, flamethrowers, some little gas thingy, probably another rocket. Eventually they figure out how to start the damn thing, and the girl goes to operate the gas pedals, while Sherman steers. It’s complicated, as the Batmobile appears to be a fucking manual transmission. There’s no fucking way those kids know how to drive a manual.

The car zips through Gotham somehow managing to not crash into absolutely everything, and the Penguin and his thugs grasp desperately to the roof. Although, the Penguin appears to not so much be “grasping desperately to” as “nonchalantly leaning against.”

They all get knocked off and the Penguin makes a terrible pun involving the word “fowl.”

The kids take Batman home. Somehow, two children manage to lug a full-grown man into their basement without being noticed where they give him some water or maybe it was vodka. There was always lots of liqour in my grandma’s basement. Batman comes to for a moment and manages to get out the word “capsule.” The kids apparently have severe ADD as they only manage to pay attention to the first half of the word and begin spewing out all the words they know that start with “cap.”

“captured!”
“capital!”
“Capricorn!”

God kids are dumb.

The mom yells some stuff from the stairs, then goes outside and yells more stuff from outside. Just spreadin’ the yelling around. After she leaves, the bullies approach to find a conveniently located brick on the sidewalk. One picks up and pretends to play basketball with it. Bricks are so much like basketballs too. They bounce like basketballs, they’re round like basketballs, you can throw them ferociously at someone’s chest like basketballs. The one bully chucks it towards a pile of brown paper boxes and knocks them over to reveal the Batmobile hidden below. As they dick around in it, Sherman tries to get them to stop when the other half of what Batman said hits him in the brain like a brick basketball. Capsule! I’m so fucking stupid! He finds them in the car, and races back to give them to Batman.

As he runs, that big fucking vulture is back and chases him and the bullies inside. Sherman takes the pills to Batman and pops one down is throat. It tumbles down like a quarter in one of those funnel things at the entrance to the Kmart. He’s still out of it, as the Penguin shows up and the kids decide it’s finally time to call for help only to find that the phone is dead.

Outside Penguin is examining in the doorlock and then sprays it with the gas from the umbrella that I think he sprayed Batman with before, but is also magic door-unlocking gas. The kids in the meantime have set up a string of booby traps they’ve already dubbed “Operation: Fowl Play.” It’s not actually written down anywhere in the episode, but you can just hear the “w” in their words. Also, the major news networks have already created a logo for the operation and the scroll is keeping us up to date on the latest developments.

The first thing the scroll should say is “this is some motherfucking Home Alone shit right here.” The bumbling crooks are tripping and falling and running into things and all kinds of dumb stuff. The Penguin remarks that “these commoners have such cheap furniture” which, what? What the fuck? Where the fuck did that come from? Why did he just say that? What does furniture have to do…? What?

Downstairs the bullies are trying to wake Batman up. One of them implores him to “snap out of it” and the other remarks that “if that doesn’t do it, nothing will!”

Yeah, we told him to snap out of it, I’ll be damned if I have any other ideas.

Upstairs the Penguin has chased the kids into the basement where he spots his egg and probably makes another bird pun here; they all start to blur together. He fires up a spinny blade on his umbrella and remarks that he’ll have some sliced ham to go with his eggs as he the blade looms over Batman. Apparently the Penguin has a poor idea of what animal ham comes from. It would’ve been a far better crack if Batman were a cop.

But he’s not, Penguin.

You hear me? He’s not. He’s Batman.

Speaking of which, he wakes up about now and is remarkably alert. Penguin instructs his goons to attack and “take no prisoners” even though the only person they’re fighting is Batman so I guess “don’t take Batman prisoner” is what he means so “kill Batman” would be what he’s driving at. Bats disposes of the thugs with ease and sets his sights on Penguin. Penguin has a tiny dagger, but Batman, master of all weapons, grabs a screwdriver.

Batman is of course victorious, right around the time Sherman’s mother gets home. She’s quite upset at her cheap furniture being damaged and storms downstairs where Sherman introduces her to Batman and tries to hook ’em up. And then Batman probably buys them some new cheap furniture.

Later, Sherman is putting up the newspaper story about the event which include a picture of that vulture looking smug as fuck.

And he instructs the bullies to help with cases because I guess he’s Encyclopedia Brown now or some bullshit.

Do you see now?

Do you see?

Shit is fucking ridiculous.