Ok enough of me putzing around like this is a goddamn game or something. It’s time to get serious. Are we all putting on our serious faces?
Damn right Superman.
So serious that we’re gonna do a Justice League two-parter. Which means entries today (THURSDAY) and tomorrow (FRIDAY) and then on Saturday I am going to pass out. And on Monday I don’t even know what I’m doing yet.
But right now I’m doing Hereafter. Let’s pretend that it’s because Superman dies in it, and Superman Doomsday came out recent so it’s Superman’s Death Month but it’s actually because I love Vandal Savage and Lobo.
The episode starts with a bunch of supervillians hanging out in a room chanting like it’s a Head On commercial.
Apply directly to the forehead
The cult consists of Toyman, Livewire, Weather Wizard, Kalibak, and Metallo. Even though Weather Wizard is a Flash villian. They’re all gathered around a very nice table with the Superman logo on it. I can’t imagine it was cheap as it was likely a custom table. Or they stole it from Shaquille O’Neal. His house seriously has so much Superman crap in it. After a bunch of chanting and sealing of pacts and such, they all pull out a huge knife and stab it into the table. Just like killing Superman, yes. Except you ruined your table.
We return from the opening sequence to see the five villians (I had to stop and count) attacking Metropolis right near the Daily “Our Insurance Rates Are So High” Planet. Toyman is building a giant Optimus Prime.
Weather Wizard says he sense someone approaching and they all get so excited for Superman and are sorely disappointed when it’s Green Lantern. He refers to Toyman’s robot as an “iron giant” and man, that is easily one of the greatest animated movies ever. So fucking good. Batman comes zipping into play as well, and warns the crew that this is obviously an ambush. J’onn and Flash play rough with Weather Wizard and Flash gets knocked on his by a flying car. Wonder Woman shows to help and keep me from abbreviating anything as WW for fear of immense confusion. A lightning bolt that may have come from Livewire or maybe it was Weather Wizard heads to Wonder Woman and she turns and stops it with her bracelets. Flash sums up everyone’s thoughts here pretty well: “There are so many reasons that shouldn’t have worked.”
They need to get rid of Metallo first, so Flash grabs the other end of Wondy’s lasso and they catch him on it, flinging him far away from downtown Metropolis. Waaaay far away. Ok. So…someone go arrest him now.
Kalibak decides to focus his energies on Wonder Woman and beats up on her fairly well. GL is busy impressively saving a bunch of people in a tornado with his bubbles, and Batman has made Weather Wizard his business. I’m sure the other leaguers are fighting with other dudes, but who can keep track really?
After Kalibak finishes up with Wondy, he decides he’s up for fighting Batman. He charges at him, and Batman flips him up and slams him down like a pancake on Sunday morning.
Snapper is there! Yay Snapper! I love pointing out when Snapper shows up.
Kalibak is talking at Batman, who explains that he was simply stalling him until, ya know, Superman shows up to polish him off in one punch. Why Superman shows up at all when it’s obviously a trap for him is beyond my fucking guess. It’s not like they were losing and it’s not like there something Superman can do that J’onn wouldn’t be able to handle at least just this once.
Toyman, who has apparently just been reading a novel this entire time, finally notices that there’s fighting going on and that he was supposed to be involved thanks to some pact thing or something. He’s blasting at chunks of sidewalk and bits of clouds and the league is saving bystanders and maybe the occasional bird.
Superman is just flying around, dodging stuff, in no hurry to really defeat Toyman at all when Toyman decides to turn his attention towards Batman and Wonder Woman. Batman was helping her out from under some rubble, as rubble is usually involved when they’re thinking about making out. He sends a blast towards them and Supes goes to block it, only to get blast himself and vanish into thin air.
Everyone is fucking shocked. What the fuck just happened, they think.
She takes down Toyman and his thing with that sort of retard strength you get when you’re angry and then later you realize you broke like two bones just slamming the door of your car. She grabs him by his neck totally ready to kill him when Flash runs up and pulls out his conscience of the league routine.
You’re so lovable.
On the news, Snapper is covering the death of Superman since this time he’s obviously dead, even though I’m sure he’s gotten zapped through portals and shit like a million other times before. Can they seriously not give him like a week to get back and then think that maybe he’s dead?
Everyone is getting ready to go to the funeral anyway, putting on their fancier costumes or wearing black armbands like they’re Max from Batman Beyond, or kids protesting a war in their school. Superman LiveStrong armbands. Official ones. Obviously.
J’onn and Flash are discussing the future of the Justice League while Batman hangs out in his cave watching footage from the attack over and over. That’s one of the best parts of living in the DCAU: there is video footage of absolutely everything. Alfred informs him that it’s funeral time and Batman declines because how is he going to wear more black and going to a funeral would be totally crappy for his rep, oh and Superman isn’t dead. Batman explains some science-y stuff and we all agree because Batman said it.
At the funeral, Lex decides to show and Lois tries to hit him very gently. J’onn gives a lovely speech and for some reason the Kents are there even though I would assume that would look a bit odd. The rest of the league is carrying Superman’s casket which is fucking easy shit for them, made even easier by the fact that the damn thing is empty.
Later on the Watchtower, everyone is sharing they’re favorite Superman stories and J’onn is actually smiling which is totally weird for him. They decide to discuss recruiting for the opening they have. They call and ask Batman if he wants to be a full time member which, ok, now you have to recruit another part time member! And he doesn’t want to do it anyway, jeesh!
In the middle of their chit chat, Lobo comes smashing through the window of the Watchtower, which very nicely has an emergency window…cover thing that snaps down to keep everyone from being sucked out into space. Lobo grabs one of the armbands and puts it around his head. So…either he has a small head, one of the leaguers has a huge arm, or those armbands are really stretchy. He explains that he’s there to replace Supes which is excellent timing because they were just talking about that very thing!
Some rockin’ music kicks in and they’re working on some fighting as Batman has ended up Superman’s little memorial park, which is the fastest built park ever. They got some sidewalk laid out in a big ol’ S and they got that huge marble thing made and wow, everyone was really working hard on this.
He says some stuff that’s weird to hear Batman say, and something explodes downtown, so instead of letting people see him cry, he runs there to beat people up.
Downtown, a lot of criminals have decided to go krazy with a k. My notes say “candy corn” and for a while I couldn’t figure out why and then I remembered but it’s not important.
Batman gets there and starts fighting dudes and goes to handcuff Copperhead but for some reason his handcuffs aren’t batcuffs which is upsetting.
The rest of the Leaguers are putting the final touches on Lobo when GL notices the shit going on back on earth that maybe they would’ve noticed if they hadn’t all been fighting Lobo. As they take the Javelin down there, Lobo gets revved up for some fighting and I guess leaves his motorcycle back on the Watchtower. No one’s gonna try to steal it there.
They start fighting the criminals and Lobo gets in a car fight with Kalibak. If I lived in the DCAU, I wouldn’t even own a car. It will inevitably get smashed.
He stacks them on top of Kalibak until he’s finished and says a nice remark that reminds everyone how sad they are.
What is this!
Some sort of…strange world. And who is there? WHY
IT IS SUPERMAN