After a rough week of horrible shit and plane rides and a lackluster cheesecake, it’s time to get back in the game and get my fingers clackin’ on a keyboard again. In a gesture of what’s to come, I already have a headache. At one point, I had episodes planned out weeks in advance but as with everything else lately, I haven’t had time to do much planning.

So last night I just grabbed a volume of Batman Beyond and picked an episode and luck of the draw brought about the tale of teenage angst that unravels in “Golem.”

The episode opens on an overly dramatic shot spinning around a dorky lad as he seems to enjoy the breeze as if he’s in a laundry detergent commercial. The silver-haired Blade saunters by, and he runs up to make conversation with her. The boy’s name is Willy Watt, which is an incredibly dorky name and one that likely results in a few too many “Watt’s up?” jokes. He mentions a class he shares with Blade which must be a required course because with all the technical mumbo jumbo in just the title of the class, there’s no way she’s taking it voluntarily. She laments that she struggles in that class, and Willy offers to tutor her.

A red sports car zips up and Nelson Nash, a huge douche, steps out of it to start working his mack on Blade. Willy tries to stay in the game, but he’s awkward and bumbling and his haircut isn’t doing him any favors either. Nelson shoves him and Willy catches his sleeve on part of Nelson’s car. The sleeve rips and Nelson freaks out because a spindly nerd might’ve scratched his car with his cotton apparel. Nelson is ready to start pounding on him, but Terry shows up and tells Nelson to bugger off. Nelson considers fighting Terry, but knows deep down that it is a contest he would be unlikely to win.

Willy heads to his dad’s construction site, where they’re using a giant robot called a GLM(or Golem) to awkwardly move shit around. His dad calls him stuff that’s about as nice as Nelson was calling him, because even in the future, parents are fucking assholes especially when you have some sort of problem. His dad tells Willy that he should just be an asshole too and everyone should be an asshole. Willy ponders this and wonders if he has what it takes.

At a basketball court, some children are playing basketball and Terry is clinging to the side of a wall testing out the suit’s stealth capabilities. In another part of town, the Golem has been stolen and is trashing up part of town. Whenever something huge gets stolen, I always have to wonder how it got to a different part of town before it began to wreak havoc. It seems like with one of these robots, someone would immediately notice when it got more than a block away from the construction site. Bruce tells Terry to head off to stop and Terry laments that the game was just getting good, which is bullshit because when children play games, they never get good.

At the mall-ish area, Nelson is discussing a “ride” with Blade. Ride being the optimal term for “fuckfest.” In the middle of their innuendo-laden conversation, the Golem bursts in and sets its eye right on Nelson’s car. Nelson makes for his escape, leaving Blade high and dry. “Screw that chick,” he thinks, “my car was totally expensive.” To be fair, it is a really nice car.

Somewhere around here, it’s revealed that Willy is remotely operating the Golem with it’s control helmet thing. He uses it to lift Nelson’s car and dump Nelson out of it, which probably would’ve seriously injured him, but he’s fine. Then the Golem smashes Nelson’s car and anyone who knows him doesn’t care at all. Terry flies in in the Batsuit and starts throwing Batarangs at the giant robot which is probably like throwing BBs at a charging rhino, but I guess if he wants to who’s gonna argue with him?

There’s some more fighting and throughout the entirety of it, Blade is scampering around, unable to find a single fucking spot that won’t result in her almost being killed. She also seems to trip a lot. Terry heads for the DCAU signature “outside elevator.” He hangs from a convenient bar on the bottom, and when the Golem takes a swing at him, it catches its claw-like hand in the electric wiring operating the thing. It gets zapped pretty well, and we see Willy getting zapped too. This is a phenomenon that happens a lot in fiction. Like if my TV shorts out or jabs its thumb into a powerline or something and I’m holding the remote, I don’t get zapped too. And I certainly don’t get magical TV powers. Ooh gee I can change the channel with my mind. I’m like that kid in X-Men 2, whose primary function seemed to be getting shot in the neck.

Back in the Batcave, Bruce is watching the convenient footage of the entire attack and notices that the Golem went right for Nelson’s car. He asks if anyone has a grudge against Nelson. The answer of course is everyone who knows him, a lot of people who don’t know him, a few people from other planets, and God.

A virtual anchor is delivering some news and goes crazy and says “B-b-b-bad!”

Speaking of virtual anchors, I would be totally ok with that aspect of the future occurring already, because actual news anchors are pretty damn annoying around 96% of the time.

Willy is talking to his dad, who is still an asshole and God probably hates him too.

At school, Blade is pissed at Nelson for being a pansy-ass, scampering little shithead. She comments that Nelson loves his car more than her, which is probably the case, but you can’t fuck a car, at least not safely. I mean, there’s places to put your genitals in a car but 9 out of 10 doctors would recommend against it and the 10th doctor is Dr. Dre. To spite Nelson, Blade asks Willy to the upcoming dance. Nelson decides to pick on Willy again, which at this point, fuck, get a real hobby Nelson. Go wax your car or something, fuck. Willy, we find, has some sort electric power shit goin’ on and we find that he can control the Golem even without the remote thing.

Willy goes to some sort of sewer-esque area and begins a creepy Golem-summoning chant, mostly about being able to “feel” it and how he loves it and it loves him and together they’re going to be so happy and they’re a part of each other and they have a special connection and other shit that would be creepy even in a shitty romantic comedy, but is even creepier when it’s a teenage kid talking to a giant robot. Shortly before the Golem reaches him, a bunch of Jokerz come riding in on their motorcycles. Willy tells them he has a joke for them and asks “What’s 2 stories tall and eats Jokerz?”

“This!” he states, as the Golem bursts in. Willy’s joke skills are almost on par with Batman’s riddle skills. And I don’t think that Golem really eats anything. Willy says more creepy stuff to the Golem, which god Willy, if you say shit this creepy on a regular basis it might explain at least some of your inability to fuck the second hottest chick in school (Dana is the hottest.)

At the dance, anyone who isn’t a main character seems to be wearing green. At first I thought maybe it was just the lighting, but seriously it looks like they are all wearing green. I began to wonder if it was St. Patrick’s Day or something.

Willy is wearing a terrible tux that would be out of style now and would’ve probably already gone through the cycle of being “retro” by this point and has gone back to being out of style. Nelson is trying to get back on Blade’s good side after trying the sex with his car thing and finding it unsatisfactory. It’s just like Nelson to take advice from Dr. Dre. Blade wants to run off with Nelson but some very tiny bit of humanity in her feels bad for Willy. Nelson assures her that he’ll take care of it and Blade agrees because that tiny bit of humanity is also incredibly stupid. Yeah, Blade, he’ll take care of it, don’t worry. Nelson is just gonna buy Willy an ice cream cone and calmly explain everything to him and they’re gonna hug and be best buddies and then if ya still feel bad, Blade, maybe you all can have a threesome or something.

No, actually Nelson gets Willy cornered near the waterfront and tells him to stay away from Blade. “She fucking asked me to the dance, what the shit.” Nelson pushes Willy into the water which, jesus christ he’s lucky he didn’t drown. Push the guy down, sure, don’t fucking push him off a high ledge into murky water are you fucking stupid? Lucky for Nelson, Willy is ok and climbs up the ladder as the Golem, summoned by Willy, approaches.

As it turns out this a whole fucking carnival, equipped with rides and games and a special dance floor that has a spotlight for every singe slow dancing couple.

Willy returns soaking wet, and Dana, sweet Dana, feels sorry for the poor lad and insists that someone do something.

In the cave, Bruce has been watching stuff and calls Terry to let him know that the goll-danged Golem is heading for the dance. He runs off for the Batsuit and the Golem starts attacking stuff. Nelson, not one for learning from his mistakes, blows off Blade again in an effort to save his own ass.

Somewhere in here, Willy’s dad shows up and is yelling at Willy in a poor attempt at discipline to which the natural reaction is “Screw you, Dad!” Willy starts using the Golem to attack his dad, who brilliant climbs up the framework in an unfinished building like gee this looks sturdy and like the sort of thing I could easily maneuver through and not almost fall 30 stories everytime I take a step.

Batman shows up and is fighting with the Golem again while trying desperately to reason with Willy. There’s some more electrifying and unsurprising, Willy’s dad gets in a spot where he’s dangling from something. There’s water below and Batman tells him, ya know, just jump in the fucking water. Dad tells Bats that he can’t swim.


There’s some more fighting and Batman manages to break that fucking Golem in half like a total goddamn badass. Willy grieves the loss of his giant robot, because any nerd would greive the loss of a giant robot they could control with their mind.

The dad says that at least his son isn’t wuss, having finally fulfilled his expectations of attempted murder. A 4.0? Fuck that, I want to see you try to kill a dude.

Willy gets sentenced to some time in juvie. Juvy? Juvey? Kid prison. Where we find that he still has some sort of creepy electricity powers, a remnant of him getting electrocuted like 6 times.

And that’s it! The end!

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