Fire from Olympus

When I was a kid, I loved Greek shit. That movie, Clash of the Titans? It would be on TV all the time, and everytime I would stumble upon it, I would watch the entire thing. There was that mechanical owl and Medusa and man that movie was awesome.

I also once dressed up for toga day during high school.

A toga would be an awesome thing to wear during Homecoming Week when they do “Blast from the Past” day.

Batman takes a walk through Greek Creek in the episode Fire from Olympus.

The episode opens on Commissioner Gordon, apparently waiting for someone. He strikes a match, which illuminates the Commish’s watch with an steady, even, and perfectly-edged light. It looks more like he lit a match and then just used it to turn on a flashlight. And man, it’s gotta be really fucking dark in that alley if he can’t even see his watch.

A newspaper conventiently blows towards the guy Gordon is waiting for and we follow it to him. “What’s that newspaper? The guy’s over this way? Lead us there!” The guy is suddenly jumped by two large thugs. They chase him down an alley just loaded with tires. There must be a sign that says “Put tires in this alley.” The alley, like 90% of alleys in the DCAU, is a dead end. A car approaches and corners him there. A guy walks out who is ranting and raving about this and that and mortals and then codemns the guy to Tartarus, where the only comfort is knowing that you are located under an island full of hot chicks. There’s a flash of blue from the end of the alley and the poor fella looks to be dead.

Unsurprisingly, he’s not dead but is rather recovering from getting struck by lightning at the Gotham Hospital. Batman is talking to a doctor because who cares if doctors think you’re mysterious. She informs that if not for the tires, the man would be dead. Again the day is saved by tires! I figured there was no fucking way all those tires would be important, but they totally were. This round goes to the tires. Well done, tires.

The commissioner tells Batman that the guy’s name is Yanni something or other. Really once you hear that his name is Yanni you just kinda smirk and miss the last name. Batman apparently knew of the guy and informs us that he was into some shady business, and I don’t just mean his music. He’d been selling shipping schedules to smugglers so they could steal shit. And one of the missing items is a prototype weapon: an electron discharge cannon. It sounds impressive. It looks impressive. They show a video of it and the video looks like it might be impressive as well. They fire up the cannon and the thing blows up a house! Just BAM! So long house! And it’s pretty impressive until you think that, ya know, bombs can blow up a house, and you can already get bombs. You don’t need fancy prototype bombs for that.

On the top of a building in downtown Gotham, a lawyer is ranting about various crimes including the best crime: racketeering. She tells the ranting guy from earlier (whose name is Max) that she can’t keep the law off his back anymore. Max thinks he’s Zeus or some shit and talks like he’s at some sort of Greek Ren Fair or he’s LARPing perhaps. A LARPing criminal mastermind.

He has a little chessboard like thing with figurines on it, so I guess he plays tabletop games too. This guy is just a huge fucking nerd. The chick is attempting to reason with him with her damn female logic and Max gets totally pissed. So pissed that he crushes his little figure in his hand. It seems quite obvious at this point that he had been giving this chick a little of the ol’ God of Thunder charm(in her girl areas.) And if he’s anything like the actual Zeus, he’s given it to a million other chicks too and he’s got some divine STDs.

Batman, meanwhile, has connected some dots and come to check this guy out. He shows up in the Batplane, which is taking its sweet time flying over there and is also being fairly loud. Batman climbs out and Zeus refers to him as Hades, his brother. Batman asks him about the disappearance of the cannon thing, and Zeus says he’s got all the cannon he needs right in his man skirt. He’s holding some horn thing that I think he was drinking from? Batman’s perplexed by it too.

At any rate, he sets it down so either the beverage was gone, it never contained a beverage, or the beverage has just spilled all over his table. He grabs a lightning bolt/rod thing and points it at one of his figures as a demonstration of his power to Batman. With it, he shoots some blue lightning at the figure and melts it. This guy has an affinity for destroying his own stuff. He pulls a remote out from somewhere inside his clothing and in the general area of his crotch. He turns on some gargoyle statue guns and Batman thinks this is just too fucking ridiculous so he leaves.

That chick, whose name is Clio, is all worried about Maxie and then it turns out that, huge fucking surprise, he does have that big cannon thing. Gosh. Gosh and golly.

That night? (as usual, how can you fucking tell on this show) Batman goes to the chick’s apartment and offers to try to help Crazy Maxie. Clio tells him that he was handling cargo for the mob and then one day just fucking snapped and since his last name is Zeus, it seemed like an obvious way to go crazy. She says he’s “not living in the real world anymore” and suggests that Batman probably can relate to that and Batman, like with any other thing you could possibly say to him, is not amused. She decides to help Batman sneak into the building anyway, because I guess he figured, why not do things the easy way once. He disappears immediately through a ventilation duct and one of the thugs jumps Clio.

Upstairs, Maxie is aiming his big ol’ cannon at a passing police blimp. I believe the world needs more blimps. Especially police blimps. I swear to god, the Goodyear blimp is the only blimp in existance anymore. Wait, I think MetLife might have a blimp too. And they are always booked for football games. Maxie shoots the blimp which cathes fire and heads plummeting towards the ground. It crashes or something but no one dies and they make sure to have someone say that.

The thug has brought Clio to Maxie and she begs him to stop being so fucking crazy and to put on real pants and for a few seconds he snaps out of his crazy Greek adventure. He’s right back in character though and orders the thug to tie Clio to the giant gun thing. Thug guy thinks that might be a little nutso and Maxie zaps him with his lightning bolt. His computer announces an INTRUDER ALERT and Maxie knows that it’s Hades, better know as Batman in case you forgot. He then says something along the lines of “My works. Let me show you them.”

Batman is walking in a hallway and steps on a trapdoor, like jesus christ Batman, first day on the job? Zeus rants about some Greek stuff because that’s his little theme and Batman is attacked by a snake. Much to my chagrin, he doesn’t punch the snake. Punching a snake is so cool. Instead the snake wraps itself around him and starts a-squeezin’. Batman reaches into his built and grabs some kinda of “snake passout” spray, and sprays it at the snake who then passes out.

From a nearby hallway a warthog comes charging and Batman gets some Bat-rope harnessing it, but the crazy thing flings him through some glass and down towards the ground below. Surely he must be dead.

Clio, we discover, has been tied to the end of the cannon and Maxie seems to be aiming it at…the moon? What?

Guess who’s not dead though? Batman.

Yes, our hero comes charging in to stop Maxie, who does something with his computer that has a nice glowing red light on the top, which is another entry on the list of extraneous crap I would like a computer to have. The gargoyle statues have the gun barrels pop out of their eyes again and as they start firing, the bullet casings go flying out of their mouths. It’s completely fucking ridiculous.

Batman saves Clio, and Maxie hits Batman with a blast from his lightning bolt rod which knocks Batman off the ledge, but he catches himself with his hands, which are the sort of thing you would catch yourself with, I suppose. Still determined to shoot something, Maxie aims his cannon at…seriously, who fucking knows what again. Batman climbs up, grabs his bolt and flings it at the cannon. It sticks in it, and Maxie jumps out to grab it. As he hangs from it, the cannon explodes and Max plummets to a ledge thing below. And he falls fucking hard. On what looks to be marble. And how the fuck is he not dead?

In Arkham, Max believes himself to truly be among the gods and starts saying which gods our favorite villians share similarities with. He refers to the Joker as Hermes, the trickster of the gods. Which, hey, ok…that’s not the trickster.

This is the Trickster.

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