Warrior Queen

There’s a few different things I really like about doing Superman episodes. First of all, people are less obsessive about than they are Batman, so I get way fewer requests for specific episodes, and I can just sorta pick which ones I think would be fun. Secondly, so many of them take place on alien planets.

And alien planets are the best.

They all speak English, and none of them understand our ways. Beautiful.

The episode opens on an alien planet, in case you hadn’t already guessed. There’s lots of weird, alieny-looking buildings. A fierce lady lass is fighting a dude with a skinny little mustache and a skinny little chin thing. He’s lame and he’s wearing a lame hat.

His name is De’cine, but let’s just call him “Duh.” The chick is Maxima and she’s looking for a mate. She goes about this by beating up dudes until there’s one she can’t beat up. She apparently doesn’t watch the Lifetime channel, because marrying guy for the sole purpose of being able to be beaten by him isn’t the brightest idea I’ve heard.

Duh talks a lot while he’s fighting; it would drive Batman crazy. They’re both fairly chatty actually, like it’s a damn play or something. Duh calls the galaxy “crummy” and I think he’s a pretty big jerk. He’s crummy!

Maxima is a surly lady, but not in the ways I am. She’s one of those loud angry in-your-face types, and I tend just talk about how I don’t like things.

Later she is taking a post-fight bath with like 50 girls attending to her. They’re combing her hair, and doing her nails and her toes and and all kinds of other stuff. I’ve never understood how two people could comb someone’s hair for like 20 minutes. It’s not like combing your hair is an incredibly daunting task. I do it every day. Sometimes even multiple times in one day!

As she bathes, she’s checking out the “crummy” galaxy for other guys who could beat her up, and one of her servants has apparently tracked down footage of…wait for it…Superman. He’s beating up some robots and Maxima is thoroughly impressed, despite the fact that the footage was missing the beautiful score that often accompanies such fast, hard action.

She decides that she’s gotta have a piece of this dude, and uses her magic clothes button to put on some magic clothes. I will be completely delighted when we get this magic clothes technology. Not that I love clothes, I just think it would save a lot of time changing from one outfit to another, always having to put on different outfits, it gets so oooold.

Me being lazy sure gets to be a reoccuring theme in these things. It’s weird too, because it takes a lot of energy to actually write these.

Maxima pushes a button on her magic clothes bracelet which also opens a magic teleporter. She leaps through it and ends up on earth. Duh walks over to the chick Maxima had been talking to, who’s name is Zasu and asks if Maxima took the bait. Zasu says yes, and they make out for the rest of the episode.

Best episode ever!

Haha, no that wouldn’t be great, neither of them is hot.

On Earth, Maxima is wondering around when a group of hooligans decide to partake in some shenanagins by harassing Maxima for some of that boo-tay. She shows them what’s what by spinning one around her head like a baton or something. I don’t even know which part of the human body you hold on to to accomplish such a feat.

She insists on finding Superman. It’s a good thing he’s got a pretty easy and unique name. Could imagine if any alien lady showed up on earth and started beating people to a bloody mess demanding to talk to “Jim”?

It just so happens that the news channel is doing a story on Superman. Maxima sees it on the TV, and asks a man where the broadcast is coming from. I guess he tells her because she shows up there. It’s amazing how much people know in cartoons. If someone asked me where the news was coming from for some local station, I would just sorta point in a general direction. “I think it’s over there? Maybe? I can show you a really cool bar that shows all the football games on Sunday. Or uh, you wanna go see a band? I know some places for that.”

At the TV station, they are worried because they are 2 minutes short on this special they’re running and they need something to fill it with fast! Two minutes seems like an awful long time to be running short on, but when Maxima shows up claiming to be Superman’s betrothed, they have just hit the jackpot. She starts ranting and raving and eventually gets Superman’s attention as she is throwing stuff around the film studio.

And then…

And then…

Superman catches a flying camera, and gently sets it back down.

What the hell.

He’ll bust through random walls, smash desks, throw around whatever he can find, twist chunks of metal around criminals, but that camera? He treats it like a precious gift. What the hell.

Oooh oooh, and when he noticed and ran off to change into his Superman outfit, Clark did that “loosen tie because he’s gotta go rip of his shirt” thing, and I have no idea why but I find that so hot.

Maxima is insisting that he come back to her planet to be her hot man-slave, and Supes is a wee bit hesitant. They start fighting because that’s the obvious thing to do when someone disagrees with you. Though in his defense, Superman did try to explain his sexual orientation to Maxima.

I mean.

His…preference for…staying on Earth.

As they fight, an old lady watches from the window and is giving her husband a play-by-play, in a reference to a show that no kid watching this show has probably ever seen. It also reminds me of a fun little story.

Most places have a section in their paper devoted to the police report. In big cities, it’s actually interesting. In South Dakota, it is far less so. Things such as “Crow stuck in tree” get reported. And the follow up to that hit “Crow got out of tree.” One of my favorites is “2-20 cats reported in alley.” The image it conjures in my brain is that of a crazy lady looking out her window and two cats are outside with a box of hats. As they change the hats and pop into the alley, the old lady can no longer keep track as she frantically declares “Why, there could be anywhere from two to twenty cats in that alley!” and finally calls the cops.

THE END.

Supes beats the angry out of the chick who gives him a big hug, during which he looks a little uncomfortable.

He explains to her the beauty of marriage or something and willing partnerships and so on and so on. But Maxima drags him back to her planet anyway.

While she was away however, Duh and Zasu have taken over the throne, which just goes to show, never leave your throne. Zasu is all ready to say “See ya Maxima” when Duh pulls out a “see ya Zasu” and sends her off to some dungeons-type area with Supes and Maxima. What an asshole. You think he would at least keep her around to bone, although maybe he could force her to wear something a little more revealing and his kingly stuff a goin’ all yowza.

After the three get banished to some rockplace, Duh ponders what’s for dinner and NO ONE SAY BEEF NO. In the rock/dungeon/and there’s some tubes too place, Maxima somehow makes a sword out of a chunk of rock. I’ve no idea how. Supes flies up to try to just bust their way out and gets zapped back the ground where he stops is fall with his face.

As they investigate other means for escaping, a giant tentacle thing comes busting out of one of the tubes, and they do the only logical thing: running down a different tube. The end up in a room that is the source of all the tentacles. A monster straight out of a Tremors movie is shakin’ all around and the tentacles are actually its several gigantic tongues.

Supes takes two of the tongues and comically ties them together. This phemonenon is something I absolutely adore about cartoons. Tieing to giant things together is always funny, because how do you tie two giant things together? Especially if they’re moving all over the place. The mechanics of this operation are just plain inconceivable.

He fights the monster some more and manages to hook the tongue-tie (hahahah oh fuck tongue-tied I just noticed that) over a giant electrical thing that zaps the monster and shuts down the field keeping them in Dungeon Rocksville.

They blast up into the castle area where Duh is being a crappy king. Even crappier than Maxima did as queen (which was really crappy) and it starts to seem as if the people of this planet will never catch a break. Here in the United States, I’ve certainly never felt that way.

Maxima and Superman start beating up the guard dudes, and they decide to just throw them into the portal Maxima has open that, for all we know, sends them into a black hole. Maxima is victorious over Duh, and moves in for the kill. Superman scolds her, and she pensively suggests not killing a dude. It seems like such a natural thing to do. Instead she decides to send them off to jail, though I think a different jail than the one with the giant monster. Or maybe she just told Superman she was sending him to a nice jail when she actually did mean the monster jail.

Instead of punishing Zasu though, she decides to let her hang out because Maxima is all about the girl power and whatnot. Plus, I bet she’s kickass at combing hair.

Supes prepares to leave and Maxima asks him one last time to stay and make with the makeouts. Supes respectfully declines, as she could never handle the makeouts he is capable of. As he walks into the portal, Maxima asks if there are more like him. “No,” he says, but assures her that “there’s someone for everyone.”

And eharmony.com is the place to get ’em!

Anyway, Maxima is rather bummed at her lack of husband when who should show up?

MOTHER FUCKIN’ LOBO.

Awwwwww yeah.

And the episode ends there, because they can’t get away with what follows on the WB.