Night of the Ninja

Ninjas. Countless hours have been spent on the internet debating their worth against pirates, zombies, spartans, MADD, and the Catholic Church. They’ve been depicted as turtles, surfers, and people in orange jumpsuits with terrible headbands.

I believe Chris Farley also played a ninja once.

God, isn’t that depressing? Chris Farley played a ninja.

How on earth did the ninja population recover from that publicity?

They won’t have their name tainted by Batman though, that’s for sure! Night of the Ninja is a go!

The episode opens at Wayne Cosmetics, and a branch of Wayne Enterprises that I’m sure serves Batman quite well when he wants to dress up as a hobo and get kidnapped. One lonely sole is working late, in an effort to finish up his important typing. Hey just like me! Purple gas begins to waft into the room, and he passes out at his desk. Also just like me! The door swings open to reveal, dammit! A ninja!

He wanders over to the safe and cracks it open with the standard issue ninja electronic device. Once again a door swings open to reveal something. This time it is a fucking shitload of cash. I can’t even fathom a place with that much cash on hand besides a bank. A nervous little security guard shows up to give this thief a taste of what’s what. He tracks him to the rooftop where, instead of just disappearing, the ninja decides to ninja star the gun out of his hand, and then chop the guy’s flashlight in two, and then run off.

In the secret lair of Bruce Wayne, aka his house, he and Dick are sparring. Dick is a mere green belt, though I’m not really sure what the exact order is on that whole belt thing. I know it goes white, yellow, something, something, something, black. I may not have enough “something”s in there. Naturally, Bruce wins, and Dick is a little upset. Alfred enters with the news of another robbery. Dick declares it to be the 6th one, but Bruce has to fucking outdo him again by noting that it is in fact the 7th. Stupid ward.

At the scene of the crime, Commissioner Gordon points out the throwing star, and we’re in Bruce’s mind taking the fast track to flashback. A younger Bruce is sparring with a bald guy at some martial arts…studyin’ place? Sure. The bald guy defeats Bruce, and refers to him as a “rich man’s pampered son” even though there’s no rich man around to do much pampering. The teacher, an old guy, takes Baldy down a notch though. Baldy, whose name is Kyodai Ken, changes out of his ninja scrubs revealing his large, wacky tattoo.

Bruce returns to the present to find that bitch Summer Gleason up in his fucking face. Blah blah tell me what happened blah blah. He stomps off, as is his way, and she insists that he can’t ignore the press. Well guess what, Summer? He just fucking did.

That night Bruce throws on the Batsuit and takes off without Dick. We take another trip to Flashback Town, as we see young Bruce practicing as the old teacher guy approaches. Bruce insists that he be the best, and the old man informs him that defeat is more instructive than victory, which is something I’ll be sure to make note of if I ever get beaten to death in a fight.

Our delightful little ninja is prancing around the rooftops of Gotham when Batman decides to give him a little how’s it going. They fight for a bit, before the ninja whips out the smoke like a dirty pansy ass cheater. As he’s about to kill Batman, Robin shows up and the back of the ninja’s shirt gets sliced open. And here’s a huge surprise, it reveals the wacky tattoo underneath. See, because the ninja is Kyodai Ken. If you hadn’t figured that out already thanks to all the flashbacking.

In the Batmobile, Batman is explaining to Robin who this dude is, and the difference between samurai and ninja (one is named Jack, the other’s a bunch of turtles) and referring to Bruce Wayne in the third person.

Summer, that bitch, is determined to find out what Bruce’s little secret is, and refers to him as the Ultimate Boy Scout, which always made more sense than calling Superman a boy scout, what with the boy scout motto “Be prepared.” Lots of boy scouts in the Lion King too.

Later that day, I presume, Alfred and Dick are talking about Bruce when he walks in on them and he’s like “what the fuck you guys, I’m fucking out of here.”

He goes to some thing at a museum where he’s digging some swords that whip us around to another flashback. Kyodai Ken is about to steal a sword when Bruce flips on the lights, and says it’s a good thing he decided to practice that night, as if he doesn’t practice late every single night. He’s all ready to kick Kyodai Ken’s ass, but old teacher dude shows up and tells Ken to get the hell out.

At the museum, Summer pops out from her brilliant hiding spot behind a samurai display. Bruce asks why she’s been following him and she’s shocked to find that he knew she was there. She seems the type who would use the hiding technique of tip toe along behind the person and when they turn around, pretend to be a statue.

Bruce heads for his car, and Summer follows him, trying to be annoying as possible and flawlessly succeeding. As Bruce shuts the door, the valet leans in the window and it’s Ken! He gasses Bruce and Summer, because he’s gassier than 4 fat guys in an elevator after a trip to the Taco Bell.

Robin at around this point, has decided that Bruce is way late, even for him. He takes off on his motorcycle towards the blip from the tracker on the car. Boy those things are handy.

Bruce and Summer are coming to, at a Wayne Enterprises Storage building. There’s lots of rolls of carpet. He and Summer are laying near them, and Kyodai Ken is ranting about Bruce getting him kicked out of Ninja School and now he’s gotta be a theif, and Bruce responds that being a theif is what got him kicked out. I believe the saying here is “oh” followed by “SNAP.”

Summer wakes up and is all “whaaaa” and Kyodai Ken decides it’s about time to be killing them. Bruce and Summer are terrified!


Oh, no wait, he’s not. Robin has accidentally triggered an alarm, and Kyodai sets off to check things out. He finds Robin on the rooftop and instead of just killing him with his sword like he probably quite easily could, he opts for an elaborate “cut down the water tower thing and drown him” method instead. As would be expected, it doesn’t work, even though he leaves thinking it did.

In Rugland, Bruce has scooted his way to a statue with a sword and cuts the ropes holding his hands. He moves to untie Summer too, when Kyodai returns. Bruce stands up all ready to give Ken a beating but remembers that Summer’s there and she’s a nosy and stupid and all the papers will be plastered with “BRUCE WAYNE BEATS UP NINJA; WHAT’S HIS DEAL?” He tucks away his superior skills and Kyodai beats the crap out of him for a while. Bruce is banged up to a high amount when Robin masterfully slings a metal marble ball thing from the rafters, to knock one of the carpet rolls over Summer’s stupid face.

Seeing his opportunity, Bruce turns to Kyodai who is ranting about this and that and who fucking cares. Bruce gives the most Bruce response one could imagine:

“Shut up and fight.”

He shows Kyodai his formidable knack for kicking the crap out of dudes, and Kyodai needs but a taste to realize that the best course of action here is to puss out and dive out a window.

The next morning at breakfast, Dick and Bruce are sitting around in their robes, eating some eggs, and discussing their enjoyable evening. Bruce told Summer that Batman showed up, which hopefully shut her up. He also takes a moment to actually thank Robin for helping him out. Alfred and Dick, in response, take a moment to make sure he’s the real Bruce Wayne.

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