I’ve got sunshine (that gives me superpowers) on a cloudy day.
When it’s cold in the fortress, I don’t notice anyway.
What can make me feel this way?
The episode opens at a fashion show, that Clark and Lois seem to be covering for the paper. It’s always weird how one week, the two of them are covering a rocket careening towards the very building they work in, and the next week they’re checking out the latest fall styles. The fashion show is completely unrealistic, as every model seems to have a large smile on her face.
There’s some commotion as Lex arrives with the show’s designer, L.L. “Lana Lang?” Clark asks, apparently surprised that she’s there, despite the fact that she is the designer of the fashion show he is currently attending.
The press hounds Lana, though Clark and Lois aren’t also hounding her which makes me wonder if they actually are covering the show, or if they’re just there, but why would they go together? Or maybe they are covering it, but just doing a poor job to get out of this sort of crap later on. They ask Lana if the diamonds on her dress are real, and as a way to avoid questions about her tits later, she explains that everything about her is real or something like that.
Clark explains to Lois that he dated Lana in high school back in Smallville. Speaking of Smallville, could that show have made Lana any worse? Ugh, god. Seriously, she’s a smoking hot chick here, and on that show she’s just so incredibly unlikeable. Anyway she’s now dating Lex which Clark and Lois deem a “very bad idea.” And probably is, since a creepy guy named Mr. Eelan is currently talking to Lex about what can only be a shady business deal.
Backstage at the show, Lana is making some last minute fixes to a dress. It is the least busy backstage area I have ever seen ever. Suddenly two butch chicks bust in and kidnap Lana because they want to steal those huge diamonds. Clark has conveniently decided to wander backstage, which couldn’t have been too hard. He finds Lana missing and zips off to save her.
Butchey and Butchette have Lana in an elevator which, like most in Metropolis, has one side that is glass. Supes shows up and they rip the diamonds off Lana’s dress before shoving her through the glass, sending her, and a bunch of shards of glass careening towards the ground. Seems sort of dumb that they even bothered to kidnap her in the first place. I guess they really wanted to add “murder” to their long list of crimes. Supes catches Lana, but let’s the glass go, and rips the elevator out by its cables. He ties it to a bridge and sets Lana down as they land.
She admires his costume, and then asks if Martha sewed it. You see, she totally knows it’s Clark! He’s shocked, shocked. She mentions the “amazing things” Clark did in high school. Which, oh gosh someone who can fly suddenly shows up in Metropolis and sure looks like Clark, I wonder who that could be.
As Supes flies off, Lex runs up to make sure Lana is ok. He’s genuinely worried, and who wouldn’t be if they were dating someone that damn hot.
Later in her hotel room, I guess, Supes shows up to see her and enjoy a root beer float that she conveniently had all the ingredients for. Like, I’ve had ice cream around, and I’ve had root beer around, but so rarely do I have both at the same time.
Hey here’s a fun hint. Ya know how sometimes people will make floats with other stuff like Coke or Dr. Pepper? Yeah, don’t do that with grape soda.
Lana is laying the mack on Supes pretty thick, and he tries to warn her about Lex being a total douchenugget in a fancy suit. As he flies off, we see Mercy spying on Lana and she tells Lex all about Superman hangin’ out and drinkin’ root beer and doing other vile things with Lex’s lady, I’m sure. Lex confronts Lana about it, who unfortunately can’t just say “I went to high school with him” because if I know anything about small towns (and I do) their entire class was probably like 15 kids.
Lex gets a phone call, and Lana leaves the office, but pauses to listen in on Lex. And Mercy is nearby spying on Lana. It’s like a goddamn spy train. Lex tells the man on the line to be at such and such place at such and such time, and Lana continues with her leaving. Mercy again runs right to Lex about his girlfriend’s little escapades, and Lex assures Mercy that Lana couldn’t have understood what he was talking about.
Because I guess a date and a time are incredibly difficult things for someone to grasp.
Lana calls Clark and he shows up to find Mr. Eeland selling a crazy gun that shoots magic sparklies at shit to a couple of terrorists.
The trees blow up, and one of the terrorists feels like shooting Bambi’s dad, which would complete the work necessary to eventually transform Bambi into Batdeer, defender of justice in the woods. Supes swoops in and declares it “Open season on terrorists.”
And then Mr. Eeland just blasts a train bridge and wouldn’t you fucking know it, there’s a fucking train coming. Supes jets off to save the train in a rather slick manner of grabbing a couple other train tracks and holding them while the train goes over him. It was pretty great, especially how he managed to grab tracks the exact same size of the chunk of bridge that was missing.
Later, as he’s talking to Lana, she insists on staying and helping him, being his sidekick or as she puts it “his Batgirl.” Sounds pretty appropriate, really. Red-headed chick that you eventually bone? Perfect. As though reading my mind, Lana plants a kiss on the big guy.
Mercy is again nearby but brought Lex with her this time. Upon seeing Supes stealing his lady, he gets pissed to shit.
The next morning, he and Lana are eating…something. And a lot of bread. And…is that eggnog? What?
When Lex gets a phone call about more weapons stuff and it being in Central City. Cool, so Flash can take care of it.
As Clark zips around in his fancy car, he gets a phone call and answers it. Normally I would make a crack about how he should drive now and talk later, but he’s Superman so, ok, I guess. Lana tells him to haul his ass to Central City, and Clark pulls over into a dark alley, where I’m sure his fancy car will be very safe. The entire roof pops up and he flies off.
Lana is getting ready for supper with Lex, and runs out to her ride only to find that the creepy Mr. Eeland is driving instead of Mercy, even though I’m sure Mercy would’ve loved the opportunity to kill Lana herself. Mercy however is occupied making Lex angry.
In some factory, Eeland is tying Lana up and sticking her in trough that’s about to get filled with lead. It’s rather elaborate. But before you get much time to think about the details, Superman busts in. He saves Lana in time, and gets lead all over his cape.
Eeland makes a run for it with his techno ray gun and Supes shoves Lana in a closet full of explosives, telling her she’ll be safe there. Really given how safe the rest of Metropolis is, who really cares where she gets shoved.
The Eeland dick shoots the big cauldron of molten lead and a sea of lead spills out everywhere. Eeland ends up almost dying because he’s a goddamn moron, but Supes saves him and ties him up or something, I can’t remember. I wrote “Yes I killed him” in my notes, and I think it has something to do with what happened here.
He heads to the room that Lana is hanging out in, as molten lead creeps up around her. He flies up through the lead and grabs her, while covered in molten lead. She somehow manages to survive without any 3rd degree burns or injuries of any kind.
(aah, lead in my eyes!)
Also she kept yelling “Clark.” She might not be the best person to keep around, if she develops that sort of habit.
The factory blows up, Lex is under investigation and Lana says goodbye to Clark, as Lois is simultaneously yelling at him.
Hey doesn’t Superman look so disappointed in you here?