Day of the Samurai

It is Opposite Day! Black is white, up is down, yes is no, night is day, and ninjas are samurai. And vice versa.

Because it is Opposite Day, instead of doing Night of the Ninja again, I guess I’m stuck doing Day of the Samurai.

I don’t know what the opposites of “of” and “the” are.

Oh, and uh. I’ll probably not mention Opposite Day through the entire rest of the review, except maybe at the very end when I remember that I said it was Opposite Day.

We open on a fine lass practicing her martial arts. I’ve been using that term because I have no idea which specific one it is, and I’d rather not say the wrong one and have a bunch of people upset because I don’t know the difference between tae kwon do and karate and jeet kune do and all of those other ones.

A man enters the room, bearing more than a strong resemblence to a ninja. Not just any ninja, however, a ninja we’ve met before. They speak some Japanese at each other and there’s some subtitles, which is one of very few times they’re even used in the DCAU. Though they’re always turned on when I pop in my Batman Beyond disc and I have to say “no, BB, I don’t want to read the entire episode in French, goddammit.”

Except on Opposite Day when I say “Yes, BB, French please, I love it.”

Do you see?

I said I wasn’t going to mention it again, and then I did. Oh ho ho.


Fuck this joke. Moving on.

So Kyodai starts fighting with this chick, and oh lord it is so intense. Really, the worst part was this horrible bone-cracking sound. To simulate this sound, go find a bone to crack. You can pretend you are a foley artist.

Kyodai kidnaps the pretty lady, and leaves a note with a very fancy ring thinger:

The old guy from NotN (Night of the Ninja!) finds the note, and decides to call Bruce. The old guy, by the way is Sensei Yoru. I can’t even decide if it would be easier to type “old guy” or “Sensei Yoru.” But he calls Bruce, and Alfred brings Bruce the phone on a little platter. Mmm, delicious phone.

He asks Bruce to come to Japan and he’s like “all right.” He hops on the BruceWing which is just a normal plane, but with Alfred providing drink service. Probably still has crazy gadgets, but I’m betting they’re secret crazy gadgets.

Kyodai is spending his valuable time slicing fruit with his sword and talking to the lady he kidnapped, Kairi. This is like in Ninja Turtles, where Leonardo’s sword was primarily used for slicing pizza and the occassional carrot.

At the dojo (I hope that’s what that’s called), Bruce is talking to Yoru, who knows that it was Bruce who kicked the crap out Kyodai despite Bruce pulling the whole “it was Batman!” routine. He’s not dumb, Bruce. He’s not sitting there going “oh goodness, Kyodai goes to beat up Bruce, the one student who was ever a match for him, and he’s beating up Bruce and oh so conveniently Batman shows up and oh lookie he’s a match for Kyodai too in the sense that he totally beats him, and that sure is weird!”

Later on, Bruce is meditating on probably all kinds of stuff. Probably more than our minds could even begin to comprehend. Like how to fend off three henchman while walking on a barrel like you’re in a circus. Alfred comes in to offer him some tea but he declines. He talks with Alfred a bit, and then changes his mind and has some tea. So obviously he hadn’t been meditating on if he wanted tea or not, or if he was, he didn’t do it enough.

Yoru explains to Bruce that Kyodai kidnapped Kairi and is holding her in exchange for a map. What sort of map, you ask? A map that leads to deadly power. Yoru spins a tale of a man who discovered a fighting style where a single blow could cripple a man. And even a touch that could kill them! The man decides that this shit is way too dangerous and no one else should know about. There’d be people in the streets, touching each other, falling over dead. It’d be the end of civilization as we know it. He took the only instructions and sealed ’em up in a cave and told no one except his oldest son, who passed it on to his oldest and so on. Now Yoru is the last in the line of descendants, and the only one who knows where the cave is. In these situations, I always wonder why people even bother to write this stuff down. “Here’s something terrible I don’t think anyone should ever know. I’ll put it on this piece of paper and hide it.” It’s like a more adult version of writing your secrets in your diary but it’s cool, it has a tiny lock and it’s under your bed.

Bruce suggests making a fake map, maybe one that leads Kyodai to Summer Gleason’s house, a fate worse than death. I suppose he might get suspicious at directions that say “take plane to Gotham City.” Yoru, however, tells Bruce that it is dishonorable to lie, and so off goes Bruce with the real map to deliver in exchange for Kairi.

He meets Kyodai on a rooftop as Batman and they debate over who’s gonna let what go first. Finally Kyodai lets the girl go and Batman throws the map and there’s some kicking and some confusion and then Kyodai has the map and he kicks Kairi off the roof. Which was a hell of a kick because they were like a million yards away from the edge. Batman, naturally, leaps off the edge, catches her, and grapples them to safety. Dear god, I wonder how many times this happens in the entire DCAU. What would be a stupider statistic to make note of: how often that happens, or how often Wonder Woman says “Hera”?

He goes back to rooftop for Kyodai who gets away from Batman by blowing glitter on him, making him so fancy he cannot stand it.

Kyodai chops down a billboard, makes good his escape (with map in hand) and Batman is filled with incredible rage.

Like always.

Kyodai follows the map to a cave, and inside the cave is a rock and he moves the rock to reveal a box. Inside is a smaller box and some of those Russian dolls and in the smallest doll is the scroll with the instructions. Kyodai is happier than a little girl with 6 ponies. And then, and then hahahahah the scroll just crumbles the fuck apart in his hand. We laugh at another person’s misery, especially if that person is a total asshole.

He keeps a small chunk of the scroll that didn’t fall apart and Batman shows up at the cave to recover the rest of it. He takes the pieces to Yoru and the two of them reassemble it. Which must’ve been fucking hard. Yoru notices that the one piece missing, and wouldn’t ya know it, is the part with that fucking fatal touch. The “o-nemuri” or big sleep.

Kyodai studies the piece of paper and remarks “who would guess it was there” and sets to work learning to poke one part of the body. Yoru explains to Bruce that the fatal touch could be anywhere: hand, arm, leg…the possibilites are endless! I doubt it is the hair. And I doubt it’d be fatal, but getting jabbed in the eye really fucking hard would sure as fuck hurt a lot. Or what if someone could shove two fingers into your nostrils and fling you across the room? Goddamn.

Kyodai is such an asshole. He kidnaps Alfred to get Bruce to come fight him. He calls Bruce and is all “got your butler.” Bruce traces the call, and practices a bit more, because there’s no need to rush into things. Kairi asks him if Batman is gonna fight Kyodai, and Bruce explains that “Batman does as he will” which is perhaps one of the most accurate descriptions of Batman ever. And around then he decides he will go to Kyodai’s place and check out his practice dummy, before meeting him by the volcano.

By the volcano! It doesn’t quite have the same zing as “in lava” but it’s still pretty great. BY A VOLCANO!

“I work at a McDonald’s”
“That must suck.”
“It’s by a volcano!”
“The best part is I could die!”

Kyodai insists that Batman take off his cape and cowl and he’s like “fine let’s do this.” Kyodai removes his little shirt too, and we see his tattoo, which he’s apparently gotten colored.

They fight and the pure fierceness of their battle is enough to set off an eruption in the volcano. Bruce tells Kyodai that maybe this wasn’t the best place to fight. I guess Kyodai isn’t one for planning. Insulted at Bruce sounding smarter than him, Kyodai moves in for the fatal touch! It is apparently in the middle of the chest, which doesn’t seem like a weird place to guess it would be, despite Kyodai’s comments earlier. A weird place would be your elbow or your second toe, or the middle knuckle on your pinky finger.

Bruce holds off Kyodai’s hand but uuuuuugh he gets Bruce in the chest!

Kyodai struts around victorious until Bruce gets up and laughs right in his fucking face. He tells Kyodai that the technique is a load of bull. He moves to lay the smack down but the lava is cozying up to them. Kyodai ends up on a chunk of mountain with lava on all sides. Bruce tries to save him, but Kyodai doesn’t accept the offer. A lava bomb explodes around him, and I would say he’s pretty much dead.

Alfred asks how the hell he didn’t get killed by the poke in the chest and Bruce pulls a large metal plate out from under his shirt. God that must’ve been uncomfortable.

They say goodbye to Yoru, who tells Bruce that Batman is so cool and Bruce continues to pretend that Batman is just some dude he met once.

Everyone should now try to find a spot in their chest where a poke would kill them. I’ve been looking around all day, and there’s nothing. If you find the spot, let us know. Or, I guess, leave a note that says “if I’m dead it’s because of a poke in the chest and you should get on the internet and let them know, if only to warn them!”

That’s it.

The beginning.

(Opposite Day!…Opposite Night? Identical Night? Wait, I gave up on this joke.)

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