It is here. It is fucking here. I am trembling with nervousness as I write this, taking breaks to pace around the room, and staring at my notes, overwhelmed at the task I have decided to take on.

Today, readers, for the first time, I will discuss an episode…

of Static Shock.

With the lack of DVDs, and my apathy towards torrenting, I haven’t seen much Static Shock in a while. I hope and pray that this will not hurt my ability to perform well here.

I take a deep breath and pop in the disc. It was a single DVD, containing the first 6 episodes. And it is not nearly enough to sate my appetite, but it will do for now.

I have chosen the episode “Grounded” and well…here goes nothing.

The opening sequence rolls, and as this is a first season episode, lacks the Lil’ Romeo theme song whose “weh weh”s made it such a delight later on. It also has Static in white shirt, which seems impractical and easily stained.

Static Shock is set in the fictional town of Dakota. As some of you may know, I grew up in the all-too-real state of South Dakota, and let me tell you…there are some major differences. The first being that in Dakota, the town, there are black people. There are also other people.

The episode starts with Static fighting a villian that sounds seriously, like something I would come up with, named Carmen Dillo. To give you an idea of just how silly my own creations are, I recently wrote an outline for a character I named “Two-Arms MacGeddon.” And let me just say, it’s brilliant. So Carmen Dillo is doing…something, stealing something, terrorizing people, something I don’t even really know. Is looking absolutely horrifying a crime in Dakota?

During the fight, this giant blob monster comes up out of the ground. I guess it was sick of being in the ground, which I can totally understand, having once been buried alive (not really.) Static blasts the blob monster a few times, chases it off, I guess and declares Dakota to be “one fun city!” Which is another way it is different from South Dakota: the existance of fun.

Static heads off to school to meet up with his Little White Friend, better known to most people as Richie. A goddamn crazy student comes over complaining about some sort of bullshit that you would expect a crazy high schooler to complain about, Richie and Static (or as Richie calls him: “V” which is short for Virgil, because Virgil is a dork name) voice their support by pounding their fists and chanting jokingly about their own desire to go on strike. Hell with how much homework I turned in in high school, I pretty much did go on strike and very rarely did someone actually care. But these guys…they are really gonna go on strike, I mean check this shit out:

Richie shows off the new walkie talkies he’s built and they decide to call them Shock something something, I’m too busy staring into Richie’s eyes to listen to what he’s saying. Later he tries to get to his locker, but some jackass janitor has blocked off the entire damn hallway to clean up some spilled juice.

“No you can’t get shit from your locker. Least of all your books! Do your homework from memory!”

Static fights the blob monster again, I think. Man, what the fuck was I taking notes on when I watched this, because I don’t think it was actually the episode.

Let’s just jump to this point. Static has a chunk of the monster. He and Richie decide to break into the school to use the science lab to examine it. The thing turns out to be a spry little face hugger, but thankfully Static and Richie are wearing the biggest masks I have ever seen in a high school science lab:

The journalism students have also broken into the school, so crazy protest lady can write a crazy protest paper. As they work hard in the journalism room, they spot the janitor coming down the hall and quickly turn the lights off. Goddamn brilliant. I can’t think of a better way to attract attention except maybe just running out into the hallway and yelling, “we’re in here! we’re doing stuff in here that we’re not supposed to be doing!” The janitor pokes his head into the journalism room, ya know, because it sure looked like someone just shut off a goddamn light in there, and decides to lock the door, which locks the journalism students in.

Static, meanwhile, is chasing the facehugger through the ventilation system. I sorta skipped the part where he went in there, but he ends up falling through the ceiling into the room with the journalism students, who, conquered by the mighty door, have yet to take their battle to the many conveniently located windows.

Richie swipes some keys from the janitor and with the help of this magic funhouse mirror that makes you black:

he busts Static and the journalism students out of that room, just as blobster shows up again and freaks that janitor the fuck out. Richie instructs the journalism students to “stay calm” since the blob can “smell fear” even though the blob doesn’t seem to have a nose to smell anything with. I yell at the TV, telling them to not move! It can’t see you if you don’t move! And as Static powers up with some crazy spinning I implore him, “Static! Get rid of the flare!” as he shouts back “Get the janitor!”


It was quite intense, to say the least.

The battle moves outside where the marching band is apparently practicing, late at night, in full uniform. The blob begins terrorizing them, and a few of them climb the goal post in celebration. This means the rest of practice is cancelled! A husky tuba player throws his tuba at the blob in a heroic effort to save the day, but the blob is invulnerable to tubas, and shoots the thing back at the student, with a resonating B flat.

During the ruckus, Static notices that the blob is weak to the janitor’s magic green mop water, brewed in his creepy magic janitor’s closet and used to exorcise demons from the school’s mystical floors. Static swipes a couple barrels of it, and sends the blob to its final resting place: the middle of the street.

The journalism students hog the glory and use the press to bitch about their whatever again.

Static says that he can’t bother with the press because he “caught a germ.”

You didn’t catch it, Static; you killed it.

Killed it dead.

I hope I’ve done you folks proud. I certainly tried my hardest at what was a gargantuan duty. And say what you will about Static. I still love it. And I love this shot:

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