Welcome readers, to Friday, the best time to take a look at what might be the most disturbing episode ever, when viewed by someone who has been through sex ed. It’s not what you expect from Superman really, but man.
Superman! Double Dose! Here we go!
Our episode starts with our man Danny, who could possibly be the worst janitor ever, as his broom seems to only hit the floor about once every 5 seconds. Much like his love life, he’s swinging shit around, but he ain’t hitting a damn thing. He is apparently in some sort of prison and wanders down to Livewire’s swanky cell with a bookshelf that I’m sure must have some really interesting books. Danny makes a nice face at her:
Which just screams “I cannot get laid to save my life.”
Livewire uses her feminine wiles to get Danny’s walkman from him, claiming it’ll get her “in the mood.” Which for some reason, he falls for despite the fact that there’s a huge goddamn door between them. I guess he thought they would magically do it through the door, because he has a poor idea of the mechanics of sex.
One thing I always wonder about most supervillian prisons is how often they let them keep their outfits.
As Livewire makes her escape, thanks to a charge from the Walkman, a fine gent is hanging out in a tiny electric vehicle. Just chillin’ out, eating a sandwich. Livewire takes over the tiny car and begins driving it towards the uh…officers? I think they were? At any rate, not a one of them thinks to ghostride the damn thing.
After news of the escape breaks, the press is getting their shouting on ol’ Dan Turpin. One guy yells “Dan!” the next yells, “Turp” and the third says “Inspector.” So there ya go, in case you forgot his name I guess. Livewire shows up and gives Turp a big ol’ kiss and around the time she’s been kissing him for like 3 fucking hours, Superman, who has been there the entire time, finally decides to help out.
As he blasted with electricity, Livewire yells “Why won’t you die!?”
“Because you’re not magic, or kryptonite, and there’s no red sun lamps around here, what are you dumb?”
Side note here, I’m drinking Mt. Dew: Livewire while I write this.
In some other prison somewhere, Parasite is watching his TV when Livewire decides she’ll break him out so he can help her kill Supes. The scene is rife with innuendo, suggesting that if Parasite help her he can have a taste of something or other, basically saying “Help me out and you can bone me! I mean…feed on my uh, electric powers, sure.” Yeah ok. The electric powers in your bug zapper of a vagina, I’m sure.
They make good their escape, and Parasite ensures their victory by sucking all the power out of a middle-aged man. A worthy use of his time, I’m sure. In a nearby park, with a lovely view of the prison, Clark and Lois are getting some hot dogs, when they hear the sirens going off. Clark makes a terrible excuse to leave, and changes into Superman. I assume he ate the hot dog first. I mean, why wouldn’t he?
Parasite, who is on a boat, by the way, ends up doing a lovely “oh shucks” gesture as Supes begins to carry the boat away. He decides to take a dive into the water and suck the juice out of a nearby shark. Just great. Shark powers. He tries to get at Supes and misses, just like a shark and once again whips out the “oh shucks” motion. It is a gesture that no one in real life has actually ever used except in a manner mocking the only place it happens: the television and film industry. Parasite manages to get away from Superman by ripping a gate off of a thing and blasting away with shark speed!
He meets up with Livewire, back somewhere, and makes with suggesting that they push the twin beds together and have themselves a little fun. She refuses and begins to walk away as Parasite creeps up on her, in a manner that screams “I AM GOING TO RAPE YOU.” As if it wasn’t clear enough, Livewire turns and says “No means no.” Jesus god, what is going on here? Let me just assure, this gets worse before it gets better.
Lois is reading the newspaper at the planet, and thinking “hey I wrote this” then shoves it into her Bag of Holding and pulls out an entire raincoat. I’m surprised she didn’t also have galoshes, an umbrella, and her car in there. Though, really, maybe she did.
Supes has since discovered where Livewire and Parasite went, and in an attempt to keep them from completely destroying him, shows up in the most ridiculous outfit I have ever seen anywhere.
As if that thing wasn’t jaw-dropping enough, Livewire feels the need to make a comment about him bringing protection.
What in the holy hell.
During the fight, the plastic wrap gets busted up and Supes flies off to buy a morning after pill, by which I mean, he runs the fuck away, but not until Parasite gets a chance to suck him dry.
Oh god, maybe I shouldn’t have said that with how filthy this episode has been…
Anyway, Livewire was all going to kill him and then Parasite sucks her power too, and decides to…to…tie her up so he can keep her and feed off her all the time, holy fuck this is a weird episode.
Parasite sees Superman stumbling through the office building, and he catches up to him quite easily. Supes chucks a bottle of water at him, which makes him sizzle a bit, thanks to the weakness he also got out of Livewire. Supes turns to a janitor’s closet and pulls out a broom that catches fire when Parasite tries to zap it. Superman, in a moment of pure genius and Batman-esque dickness, holds the broom towards the sprinkler system which sets it off and drowns the fuck out of Parasite.
And it ends with a broom! Full circle!
God what a weird episode.
I think I need to take a shower.