The Balance

Today’s edition of “Jordyn Talks about an Episode,” we (meaning “I”) am going to be talking about JLU episode: The Balance. I really don’t have much else for an introduction besides that. So, tally ho!

Which sounds sort of like “Tala ho” and is appropriate for the opening scene, as we see Tala trying to eliminate the weakness of the Annihilator armor, seen getting…I guess rescued from the Watchtower in the last episode, Task Force X. Honestly, after the armor was used to teach Wonder Woman a valuable lesson back in Hawk & Dove, I thought for sure we’d never see the damn thing again. But there it is, hanging out in Tala’s room in the Cadmus building. Her room, which for some reason looks like a damn castle basement despite being surrounded on all sides by a place with probably ya know, lots of lasers and shit.

On her wall is a mirror with goddammit Felix goddamn Faust hanging the fuck out in it! His hair has taken a definite turn for the worse. Though I guess he had a hat on before so maybe it’s always been that bad. I guess the moral here is “wear a hat.”

The mirror has a definite evil stepmother vibe to it, and Tala implies that she and Faust used to spend a great deal of time with their clothes off (though hopefully with hats on!)

“Mirror Mirror, on the wall, who’s the sluttiest of them all?”
“Shut up and do me.”

So Faust tricks Tala and ends up taking over the armor and getting rid of its weakness, and smashes up some walls and the opening credits takes us for a ride!

After bopping to the best bass line in history, I begin paying attention again as Flash tries desperately to reconcile Wonder Woman and Hawkgirl. Or Shayera. Or whatever she wants to be called at this point.

See, Wonder Woman is pissy because of Hawkgirl’s betrayal back in Starcrossed, plus she’s Wonder Woman and she’s really just like that a lot. Hawkgirl is pissed because…well, I guess why not be pissed at Wonder Woman. Also, Wonder Woman is pissed at her, so it’s only polite to return the favor.

As Flash enjoys his pile of hamburgers, Wonder Woman and Hawkgirl sit in silence, eating what is supposedly pasta, and sipping on what can only be McDonald’s Orange Drink, purchased in bulk for the Watchtower (Thanks Wayne Enterprises!)

They both stomp off angrily leaving Flash to his lonesome, defending his studness and placing his hand in the huge pile of vanilla frosting he got to eat.

It has to be terribly awkward to lick something off of gloves though it doesn’t stop Fire from eyeing him lustily.

Wonder Woman wanders by the Watchtower infirmary, which has a giant window so you can see how much your teammates are suffering at all times.

“Didja hear Vibe got pretty busted up in that last fight?”
“Oh yeah, he’s in the infirmary. I hear there’s a million tubes going in and outta him.”
“Dude, I gotta see that.”

All the leaguers with magic powers are going nuts and writhing around and stuff. All the boys watching go “wow, Zatanna is so hot.” And I go “oh Doctor Fate, with your huge collar and cape and awesome voice, you are so hot.” What? I like capes and huge collars!

In her room, Wonder Woman finds a super surprise guest visitor and it’s not Batman! I think that if I lived in the DCAU, I would just say “Hi Batman” everytime I entered a room, and then that one time when he’s actually there, you would look so fucking cool.

There’s a nice reference to Jay Garrick here, where Hermes (the guest visitor) says that it’s the “Original Speedster,” while wearing a helmet that resembles Jay’s.

Hermes is voiced by Jason Bateman of Arrested Development fame. Other people who have voiced Hermes on various shows throughout the years include:

Paul Shaffer!

That’s really the only one I know off the top of my head…

Oh man it would hilarious if Paul played Lex sometime. Also, did you know that he co-wrote “It’s Raining Men”? I think that’s pretty great.

Hermes says Zeus wants Wonder Woman to go to Tartarus and kick Faust’s ass. Since she’s gonna be bustin’ up some magic, she goes to Hawkgirl’s room to steal her mace. This scene is really great, without any sort of music. I, to be quite serious, enjoy the silence in this part immensely. I really can’t even make any sort of fun of this scene, it’s so well done.

Hawkgirl agrees to just go help Wonder Woman, since her mace is like her baby or something. As they fly in, Hippolyta informs Wonder Woman that she’s not allowed to set foot on the island, which is why she flew in! And should just keep hovering! It’s foolproof!

Before they dive into the fun of Tartarus, Hippolyta decides to turn on Wonder Woman’s armor, by pushing the “on” button, which is apparently the star on the tiara.

The armor flickers on like a flourescent light bulb in a college classroom or perhaps a grocery store. Wonder Woman makes a mental note to not push the star again, for fear the armor will turn off.

They battle off some demons who fall for the old “I’m an angel” trick. Wonder Woman laments about how much she hates Hades. I can’t imagine Hades being a popular fellow in the first place, but sometimes I swear Wonder Woman just hates everyone except for Batman, whom she has the hots for.

I mean, people tell me that I’m an angry person. I don’t get why, I’m always so goddamn cheery, but really I have nothing on Wonder Woman’s ability to just ARRARARRARARRARRARGHGARARGH!

In the search for Faust, they use the magic lasso to interrogate the demon Abnegazar, voiced by Wayne Knight (aka Dennis Nedry! I love Jurassic Park!). So…was the lasso the only thing “unlocked?” I mean, it was nice to see Wonder Woman level up like that, but…were the bracelets not even that magical before? Just, totally covered in dents from deflecting bullets all the time? Hippolyta turns the armor on and Wonder Woman looks at her wrists and says “wow these bracelets look a lot better like this!”

They go to fight Faust, who just waves them away with magic where they find Hades getting his ass ripped apart by some birds who would do the Penguin proud. Hawkgirl assists in a brutal attack on the birds, which makes me wonder if she doesn’t have some deep-seeded issues. Hades says they should go back and kick Faust’s ass, so they do!

Wonder Woman also, apparently, can’t at all tell what temperature it is, which explains how she can manage to wear that outfit all the time.

The killer blow to Faust is this mace to the face! After which Wonder Woman’s hands are all sweaty, because it is probably magic that keeps them from sweating and her hands were all on Hawkgirl’s mace. Eh? Eh? Tell me that ain’t a wicked theory.

Hades implies that he “helped” Hippolyta mold Wonder Woman out of clay.

Helped with his genitals.

By having sex with her.

Ahem.

These things keep ending on a dirty note.