I Am The Night

Batman is one hard working crime fighter. He doesn’t eat, doesn’t sleep, doesn’t poop, doesn’t breathe, doesn’t do anything except for fight crime. How does he keep himself motivated? T-shirt? Posters? Maybe a picture of his parents frowning at him and underneath it says “VENGEANCE” and then in smaller text it says “IF YOU FUCK UP, WE WILL BE SO DISAPPOINTED.” That might keep him going.

I Am The Night opens with Batman sitting on this chair made out of stone or something sticking out of the wall of the cave. What the hell? Batman, I don’t really think that chair is naturally occurring rock formation in that cave. Did you carve it or something? Why are you sitting in such a terrible chair?

Alfred brings him some food, and a newspaper and Batman is just being all kinds of mopey. He cries a little about oh, everything sucks, and they don’t keep anyone in jail EVER. Batman asks Alfred if he “has it” and Alfred hands him a box containing two roses. He takes the box and leaves.

Downtown some little sniveling dude is all strutting around the bus stop when he asks a couple guys if they could spare some change, so he can get bus fare home. The guy is like, uh sure and and the little shit acts like he is just SUPER CLEVER for this ruse. Bus fare? HA! HE IS NOT EVEN GETTING ON THAT DAMN BUS! HA HA! He takes the four coins the guy gave him then, and throws all four in the air, and then catches all four as they come back down..

What in the fuck, how? Go try this, do it. IT IS IMPOSSIBLY DIFFICULT.

In another part of town, Bullock and Gordon are waiting on Batman so they can bust the Jazzman. Batman though, is meeting Leslie Thompkins in Crime Alley to leave those roses where his parents were killed. He ponders why he keeps doing this, and Leslie tries to make him feel better but he’s just like eeeeh.

Nearby, two goons are moving in on that little dude whose name is apparently Wizard. They want their cut for letting him work that corner. Really? You want your cut of those four coins he got tonight? You really think he’s making a killing pretending he needs bus fare? They’re gonna start beating up on him, when Batman hears the trouble and pounces in to make with some beating ups. He does some sweet grapple hook action when OH MY GOD ONE OF THE GOONS LANDED ON THE ROSES!

NOTHING IS GOING RIGHT TODAY.

He grabs Wizard who was like, thanks but fuck you man! Batman asks Leslie if there’s room for him in the mission, and she’s like, haha yessssss there totally is!

Gordon and Bullock? STILL waiting for Batman.

At the mission now, Batman is saying goodbye to Leslie who tells him he should go to bed and he explain that he doesn’t need sleep, ever ever ever ever don’t tell him what to do.

Gordon and Bullock? Growing ever impatient, when Bullock insists that they need to go right now even though Batman ain’t there yet. The bust turns out to be a set up, as the Jazzman and his goons have loads of guns and were totally ready for the cops. Batman shows up finally and helps take them out, with some more sweet grapple action. But after capturing the Jazzman, Bullock turns to show the prize to Commish who is oh no! Lying on the sidewalk! No idea when in the fight that happened, but ok!

They rush him to the hospital, and Batman’s day has gone from BAD to WORSE.

He climbs in the giant window of Gordon’s hotel room and starts weeping to himself when Barbara joins him. Bullock then rushes in and starts making wild accusations at Batman. Like why didn’t he tell them it was a set up? He’s supposed to know! Oh he didn’t know? Well then this is ALL HIS FAULT. So…Bullock hates Batman when he does help. Hates him when he apparently doesn’t help. What could he do that would be ok with Bullock? I have no idea.

Batman leaves to find somewhere else to sulk and Bullock shakes his fist at him in anger.

The cave seems like an excellent place to wallow, and Batman just starts going crazy and throwing things and smashing things and ripping stuff out of the ground and going craaaazy and the place is just trashed now, man.

Jazzman’s been sent to the penitentary to await trial, but is determined to bust out and finish off Gordon.

Dick has now decided to take a crack at cheering up Batman, who has apparently just been wandering around in the cave for like three days. Hey buddy, how’s it going? Wanna go play catch? Go fishing? Eh? Grapple hook around town? Batman complains that he doesn’t do ANY good and people just get hurt and he does more good for the tourist industry! Dick doesn’t bother to point out that tourism is a large industry that probably really appreciates Batman’s contributions. Batman gets more and more angry until finally he grabs his cowl, rips it off and throws it down one of the caves deep caverns!

Dick thinks to himself, “I am NOT getting that back out for you.

Jazzman meanwhile is sneaking himself out of the jail in the freakin’ laundry. Thanks guys. What a fucking bunch of morons running this place, honestly. Don’t even check that shit, that’s cool. I imagine that’s how EVERYONE has escaped and they’re just fucking stumped how it keeps happening.

Barbara and Dick are sitting in the Commissioner’s hotel room worrying about the Jazzman’s escape. Dick says there’s only person who can help him now, and Barbara says “you’re talking about Batman?” “I hope so,” Dick replies. I wonder if Barbara ever thought to herself, Dick sure talks like he knows Batman a lot.

Dick goes to tell Bruce to shut the fuck up, quit his fucking sulking about and put his goddamn suit on. Bruce is too busy sitting in a robe and reading some papers to care.

These papers are important. They’re probably not. They’re probably blank. Or poetry. Probably poetry. GODDAMMIT BATMAN, Dick proclaims and decides that he’s gonna go do this shit himself. He’s about to take off on his motorcycle when ooooooooh man! Batman’s got his suit on! Yay! Go get him Batman! Then put your robe back on though. Or just take your suit off, that’d be fine.

At the hospital, Jazzman has managed to get up the window washer’s platform thing and is about to shoot Gordon when a batarang flies in hits his gun! They fight on the platform and then crash through the window. There’s some major tussling, when Jazzman pulls his gun? Maybe a different gun. Everything goes to slooooooooo-mooooooooo. He points at Gordon! Oh no! Barbara diiiiiiiiives in the way! Oh no! Batman pulls out his bataraaaaaaang! Oh nooooooooo! He…he’s throooowing iiiiit. Oh god, it’s flying through the air!

IT GOES RIGHT INTO THE BARREL OF THE GUN.

YOU ARE A GOLDEN GOD BATMAN.

He stands on Jazzman’s defeated body and beats his chest while grunting.

The sound of a gun going off finally wakes the commissioner up, who says some uplifting stuff to Batman. Awww.

Batman leaves and his heading home to clean up the mess he’d made in the cave, when…well goddammit, Wizard is BACK on that damn CORNER. He stops in about to kick his ass, when Wiz tells him he’s…actually got bus fare and he’s actually going home. Huh. He credits Batman for his reformation and Batman feels so warm and fuzzy inside he almost grows a pony right in his stomach. Fuck it, he thinks. I am painting rainbows in the cave.

And I’m getting a sweet cushion for my stone chair!